[MomInSaratogaNY]

Good Morning!
I am an "older" Mom and have two adopted children; a son from birth, soon turning 9; and a daughter from Russia at 8 months, soon turning 4. My daughter, Mik, has been in counseling with me for the summer. While her beauty and adorableness can melt chocolate, her anger and rage whenever she's NOT in control of EVERTHING is explosive. I wish I had known more about RAD earlier, but I have just finished reading three good books. I am taking back control, but it is NOT easy! We have lots of eye contact and I'm teaching her to "ask" instead of DEMAND, and just started an "anger room" off the kitchen so she can scream and I can get my hearing back. My son starts school tomorrow so she and I will have more Mommy Time and she will have less competition.

Any idea HOW LONG before she will accept my being her mom and in control? I'm realizing that she is my full-time ministry and am pulling back from other volunteer work to focus on "US".

[dadfor2]

wish i had the answers, there is no majic number, i had heard, and this is with older children, that 1 yr when child was removed from bparent.

BUt i dont think that is true.

I also heard two years, and i can say that 2 years for my younger son, was not the case, its wasabout 3 yrs. and we still have issues.

as for my older guy, well, thats a whole other story,not sure if he will fully attack.

[ajjhmf]

There is no real magic number. It depends on the kiddo, what they have been through and so on.

The best advice is to start with an attachment therapist and go from there. Contact kelly@radzebra.org if you need help finding one. She has the most comprehensive list I know.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Emster]

It may be helpful for you to look at attachment as a process, not a specific, certain destination. For example, instead of looking at her unattached behaviors, look at those that indicate she is on her way to some attachment...(I hope that makes sense...).

It is likely that you will not wake up one day and say, "wow, I think we're there. She's so attached now."

It would be easy to say "she fights us most of the time," but to look at the fact that "occasionally she accepts kindness from her mother" indicates she has some capacity to do so, thus over time this capacity most likely will increase.

Certainly, this way of looking at things is not a cure for your child's reactivity, but it allows you perhaps some hope, a way to measure the positive steps, and some ability to reduce the pressure looking for a specific timeframe for all things to change.

Hang in there!

[MomInSaratogaNY]

Thank you both! I realize there is no magic formula. We have a good therapist who works with us and has been in foster/adoption care for 25 years. Could the "intensity" of our love relationship reduce the overall time for recovery? I'm willing to do the extra effort if you think it might help.

Is there a part of this that might be "spiritual battle" or is it just a matter of love and control?

[MomInSaratogaNY]

Thank you, Em!
My son went through "something" - a milder attachment issue at the age of 4. He was so verbal about his birth experience and his memories were so vivid. Although we were there at his birth, he still sensed the loss of his birth mother. Because we could "talk" and "cry" things through together (he is very bright) we did work through it and there was a kind of "magical" time that we were fully bonded. I didn't know what I was missing until we were - so I knew there was a "difference".

The bond is so strong now. We just came back from visiting his birth family in Iowa this summer. It was a beautiful reunion! Only God could accomplish this on our behalf!

[stevenstwin]

I can't remember where, now, but I did read the "magic number" and I sure as heck HOPE it isn't true!! The author said to expect it to be about one year for EVERY year in care. Great - at that rate my son might be "healed" by the time he is 28 (14 years in and out of care). Good thing kids aren't machines!

[tinkerbell11599]

Hi Mom in Saratoga NY,

I've heard the saying too about 1 year for every year in care (I think that was for orphanages but I'm not positive on that).

We had some trouble with our son bonding to me and he was 10 1/2 months at the time of his arrival. It took him almost 3 months and getting chicken pox from the vaccination to bond with me and I'm a SAHM. I also got him involved with Kindermusik classes (since he has a love of music). It has helped a great deal since it's something that only he and I do. His sister will be joining us this fall so it will be interesting.

I'll PM you since we are so close in geography.

Jen

[mikeintexas]

Here are some specifics on how to know when your child is attached. These are from the adoption forum blogs and Nancy Spoolstra is the author of these. They are excellent. There is no one way to answer the question, but these will give you some idea:

Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog - How can you tell if your child is attached? More ideas...

Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog - More ways to assess attachment progress...

Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog - Is my child attached or not?

Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog - Assessing attachment in a newly formed family


She has written extensively on her blogs... should be a regular reading assignment for all of us where attachment parenting is the gold standard.

Mike