[rottymom]

Just some basic background on me...
We have one 9 yr old bio-son, 6 yr old adopted daughter and soon to be adopted 2 yr old girl.
We had the youngest placed at 18 month with the intent to adopt however bmom was doing her job to reunify and a date was set for baby to go back to mom in April. bmom has since relinquished and now adoption is pending. Anyway, the reason I am here is because in researching my 2 yr olds extreme behavior I am now realizing my 6 yr old may have RAD.
I have read alot about attachment and hopefully am helping the two year old but how can I redo the damage from my 6 yr old?
I have had one meeting with therapist that thinks my daughter has a learning disorder. (yes, she certainly could but I believe it is attatchment.) My daughter is falling behind her classmates but when pressed at home she knows her "stuff". She is very angry and becomes almost violent when I make her do her work.
I love my daughter very much but the four years of parenting has made me feel little emotion for her. She is very hard to parent and I sometimes get so tired of being her parent. I just want a healthy happy child but sometimes I feel like she hates me because I have to be so tough on her.

[lovemy6]

I was not able to help my children bond to me. I needed the help of an excellent attachment therapist. We went to a regular play therapist for a year and it only made things worse with the kids and more frustrating for me. They're hard to find and expensive, but you can fight DCFS to pay for it. We had to.

You definately sound like a mother of a child with RAD. The way you describe your feelings are exactly the way I felt. You're not alone!

The Nancy Thomas website has a list of attachment therapists. The one we used is now on her list. Good luck to you!

[lucyjoy]

The Attachment Disorder Network can help you locate a therapist as well. Email Kelly@radzebra.org and tell her what area codes(not zip codes) are around you and she can give you some therapists in your area. Their website is www.radzebra.org

I would also go to Nancy Thomas website. She has excellent material for parents to help them parent in a way to facilitate attachment.

[rottymom]

Thanks for the replies...I have visited the website listed...I am not sure they have any therapists in my area for attachment, also I am not sure insurance will pick it up. We will be scheduling therapy for both children what should I expect during visits? My main concern is if I can attend or not. Thanks.

[stevenstwin]

If this child is attachment disordered, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that you attend therapy with her. Do NOT allow therapy that excludes you. If there are no "attachment therapists" per se, at least make sure your therapist is familiar with attachment disorder. Therapy for her alone without you will not improve her attachment issues, and could even cause damage - too many cases where an unwitting therapist ends up buying into the world view of the damaged child and concluding that the parents are just cold and unfeeling.

[Howdy]

There is a site for the Post Institute, I'm not sure whether it is okay to put their URL, you could find them by searching for Post Institute Therapy. They offer (I don't know if they are any good) things like Attachment Parenting Camp and Attachment Family Camp that on their website they claim is a terrific help to families with a RAD child.

My daughter doesn't have RAD but her new psychiatrist is very in favor of the Post Institute's methods. She had me read the book Beyond Consequences. I'm trying to react to my daughter's rages with sensitivity that there is a fear base to it and with lots of love. That part seems to be useful and work okay. But, she is very attached, she just has tons of trauma in her past.

[ajjhmf]

Just an FYI. You'll find Post's methods very controversial in attachment circles. I would do my research before heading down his therapy route. He has a pretty high number of disruted families.

[lucyjoy]

Kelly@radzebra.org has a bigger list then what's on the website. I would check with her directly.

[rubymama]

Originally Posted by ajjhmf

Just an FYI. You'll find Post's methods very controversial in attachment circles. I would do my research before heading down his therapy route. He has a pretty high number of disruted families.

Would you kindly say more? Where would I find such research? A search has found nothing. Thank you.

[rottymom]

Thanks, I will do some more research...I wish I had known about this stuff when we were adopting my 6 yr old. I had all the signs but I just thought love would take care of everything. We spoiled her for a year until one day at the age of three I realized we had a brat.
On our next child we were strick from day one...I can see an amazing difference in bonding. My two year old doesn't wander off to strangers anymore for loves she comes to me...It is a huge acheivement. We still give her bottles and I have learned to bottle feed her like an infant (she loves that and it calms her down).
Right now I work and I wonder if this is hampering attatchment on our two year old? I find I need respite from my challenging kids and I don't get as upset as I was when I stayed home...but now with my new education (learning about attachment) should I stay home with my new toddler?
Anyway, I have set up therapy appt with both kids and we will see how it goes...It is a stepping stone for us and I hope it helps.
My six year old is beginning to be a good liar and steals things. We are hoping to nip it in the bud.

[MomInSaratogaNY]

According to Nancy Thomas in "When Love is Not Enough" - it's NEVER too late! Her book is a definitely good read for any age and she offers so much hope! "Adoption Healing" helped me to understand the pain and need for control that adopted children feel that makes it a matter of "life or death" to them.

Hang in there and keep loving them! I'm struggling, too!