[Javalita]

My son (2 years old, adopted from Russia at 8mos old) has struggled with attachment. We've done lots of attachment work - holding, cosleeping, fun eye contact games, etc.etc.etc. We've made tons of progress – still working on eye contact and him not acknowledging pain/odd dealings with pain. Progress on these too lately.

Our bedtime ritual has gotten really out of hand and I feel like there is no end in sight. At bedtime, I had transitioned from rocking him to sleep to now bringing him upstairs after his bottle and bedtime story, rock him in the chair for a while and then move into crib (awake) while I read my book in chair about 3’ from crib. I bring him into the bed later on after he’s asleep when we’re ready to go to sleep. Lately he started screaming in the crib, for over one hour, asking for things that weren’t important – stuffed animals, bottle etc. and then refusing them, but still crying for them afterwards. In desperation I have started laying down with him in bed instead of putting him in crib after rocking. I don’t like the idea of having to lay down with him for the next 5+ years.

BUT it is still taking him 1.5-2 hours to go to sleep every single night. I can see him start to get pretty sleepy and then start moving around like he’s trying to force himself to stay awake. He does this over and over before he finally can’t stay awake. I am going crazy! I know that he is capable of sleeping quickly – naps take only 10 minutes and bedtime used to take 30 minutes. I am not sure if it is normal toddler seperation anxiety, insecure attachment signs or what.

I feel like we still aren’t where we need to be, attachment wise. But also, I know that I can’t continue on forever with this bedtime ritual. Some day we need to move into a more “normal” bedtime ritual. Here are a few ideas we’re kicking around:

1. Going back to rocking time, into crib awake and letting him “cry it out” with me sitting 3’ from his crib. Seems a little harsh since I’ll be ignoring him, but other parents of non-IA kids do this sort of stuff.

2. Rocking time, into crib awake and parent leaves room letting him “cry it out”. My gut tells me he’s not ready for this in his attachment progress.

3. Continue on as is and hope that I don’t lose it in frustration and stress.

4. Setup a first-time appt with attachment therapist to analyze our specific situation and offer us advise on how to proceed, where we are at, etc.

I am desperate and frustrated, looking for ideas and advise about how to proceed. When is our life going to be normal, if ever – kid goes to bed asleep and parent gets to leave to do chores, etc.? If you have any ideas please post! Thank you!!!

[LilyMoon]

It is possible that he is having anxiety about bedtime and going to sleep. This is common with many children, adopted and bio. As the children get older, they may develop certain fears based on things happening in their lives. It could be about anything, but commonly it is about fears from watching TV, movies or TV commercials that are frightening, having nightmares, or recognizing certain fear based possibilities like death and robberies, etc. Both my children have gone through this and my daughter is still fearful at times when going to bed. I just stay with them and get them to talk about their fears.

It seems to have worked since my daughter is putting herself to bed most nights now. My son has long outgrown this issue, but we did go through it with him too when he was younger and I did the same thing with him.

[Javalita]

Thanks LilyMoon. I agree, I think alot of it is normal fears and seperation anxiety that are common at his age. I'm going to set his bedtime a little later and see if that helps.

[qs mom]

Maybe he needs a slower/longer transition. Since you are reading, does that mean the lights are on? I had to turn off the nightlight in my son's room, if there was enough light for him to see, he played.

Something I had to do with my son was to touch him. After I stopped rocking him, he still needed me to touch him. Rub his back, touch his hand, rub his head. He just needed my touch - to KNOW I was there. Would you be able to do that for a couple weeks, and then move to just sitting with him? It might help.

[Guppy]

I think this is so tricky with the fact that you have attachment issue to take into account. With my well attached son, he will not go to sleep with me in the room. He thinks it's a play time. I have to leave the room for him to fall asleep on his own. I can not even go back in the room because he will then demand that by crying and has quite a staying power to cry to get me there.
I would try choices. If you lay down with him and he plays and hops around and such, I would say: you can lay down with mommy or you can play in the crib. If he doesn't lay down sufficiently then he goes to crib. In crib: "When you calm down, you can lay with mommy." Then you should achieve him laying down next to you more less calmly and him falling asleep soon (he'll be bored). Is light on or off?
If this isn't good for you and you want him to fall asleep in crib and you reading, make choices around that. If he asks for unimportant stuff from crib: "you can quite down or mommy will turn light off" If he doesn't calm down turn off light and don't respond. Or just say: "as soon as you calm down, light can be on." And do that. I think your reading and light being on might be quite unconductive to his sleep, frankly.
If he can't see anything (even if you lay next to him) he should fall asleep fairly quickly because there's nothing to do in dark.
HOpe this helps.

[T-N-T]

This might seem strange but it worked for our two year old boy on several occassions, "swaddeling."

We also use fans for background noise.

[qs mom]

I forgot about that. My son is an SI kid. Even now at age 6, I wrap him up like a 'taco'. The weight of the blanket on his skin calms him and he sleeps wonderfully.

[Javalita]

Thanks everyone. We've got the fan and that helps in general. We've started a new longer bedtime routine and it seems to be helping. 30 minutes of reading, bottle, music and pacifier. Bedtime is also 30 minutes later than before.

I sleep with him and cuddle so he's getting touch, which he does like. He also likes a light and he knows it is bedtime, so doesn't play.

Tonight was about 1 hour. Down by 1 hour is a good thing. Trying for better. Hopefully once the new routine settles in a bit we'll improve!

[zebramom]

I have done aromatherapy with our son.

Bath & Body Works makes a lavender & vanilla line that is fabulous. My son is 13 and still loves to use it. It is safe for little ones. They make a pillow spray, lotion and bath gel.

[KaydensMama]

Originally Posted by Javalita

My son (2 years old, adopted from Russia at 8mos old) has struggled with attachment. We've done lots of attachment work - holding, cosleeping, fun eye contact games, etc.etc.etc. We've made tons of progress – still working on eye contact and him not acknowledging pain/odd dealings with pain. Progress on these too lately.

Our bedtime ritual has gotten really out of hand and I feel like there is no end in sight. At bedtime, I had transitioned from rocking him to sleep to now bringing him upstairs after his bottle and bedtime story, rock him in the chair for a while and then move into crib (awake) while I read my book in chair about 3’ from crib. I bring him into the bed later on after he’s asleep when we’re ready to go to sleep. Lately he started screaming in the crib, for over one hour, asking for things that weren’t important – stuffed animals, bottle etc. and then refusing them, but still crying for them afterwards. In desperation I have started laying down with him in bed instead of putting him in crib after rocking. I don’t like the idea of having to lay down with him for the next 5+ years.

BUT it is still taking him 1.5-2 hours to go to sleep every single night. I can see him start to get pretty sleepy and then start moving around like he’s trying to force himself to stay awake. He does this over and over before he finally can’t stay awake. I am going crazy! I know that he is capable of sleeping quickly – naps take only 10 minutes and bedtime used to take 30 minutes. I am not sure if it is normal toddler seperation anxiety, insecure attachment signs or what.

I feel like we still aren’t where we need to be, attachment wise. But also, I know that I can’t continue on forever with this bedtime ritual. Some day we need to move into a more “normal” bedtime ritual. Here are a few ideas we’re kicking around:

1. Going back to rocking time, into crib awake and letting him “cry it out” with me sitting 3’ from his crib. Seems a little harsh since I’ll be ignoring him, but other parents of non-IA kids do this sort of stuff.

2. Rocking time, into crib awake and parent leaves room letting him “cry it out”. My gut tells me he’s not ready for this in his attachment progress.

3. Continue on as is and hope that I don’t lose it in frustration and stress.

4. Setup a first-time appt with attachment therapist to analyze our specific situation and offer us advise on how to proceed, where we are at, etc.

I am desperate and frustrated, looking for ideas and advise about how to proceed. When is our life going to be normal, if ever – kid goes to bed asleep and parent gets to leave to do chores, etc.? If you have any ideas please post! Thank you!!!

one thing is he is 2. this comes with the challenages of being 2. Now the every night deal should start to lessen the more you work with him. I have a 2 yr old who did the same thing as well for a while. He is a normal 2 yr old other then he had a rough start to life and had to spend many months in and out of the hospital and not allowed to cry until he was 1 yr. Any how he had to learn how to self sooth himself and feel comfy in his bed. Be started with him sitting in his bed for 10 min's a day to just play. I would play with him and had to until he reached about that 30 min mark week and then now he can normally sit there and play for a good hour with a book or 2. I did that until he was able to do that then we added naps on the couch then moved him to his bed so he would wake up there, and see he was ok. once he was ok with that we went to playing on his bed to nap time, this one I had to not play with him and if he looked at me i just stared off so we didn't make eye contact (otherwise he will think it's still play time) after about a week he got the hang of it and started falling esleep about 30 min's after laying him down.
Once we got that we start night time and we are still working on that one, but he's not screaming anymore (for the most part, some days he does) I am at the laying on the floor next to his bed so he can see me but after i say goodnight and give him hugs and kisses I lay down and some nights it takes longer and some night's it's easy. All depends really on how much they want control. just hold your bonds and take control. I say to Kayden (I know you want control over this, but this is not an ok time for that. you are tired and you need to lay down and go to sleep. Mommy will be here to play with you when you wake up in the morning, when you are rested.) our nightly ritual is Dinner play for about 20 min's then dessert then Bath time, 15 min's of play then wash up, living room to get lotion on then queit play for 10 min's then bed (light out, with lamp only) story time about 15 min's then we turn on his cd and i say goodnight kiss him and say what I say and then i lay down and act like i am sleeping. He finally rolls over and goes to sleep. I switch with daddy so i get a break. after a month this time it takes is getting shorter and shorter.


Good luck but one problem is he is 2 and learning how and when he has control. it comes with the age. Good Luck again