[ParadiseinFL]

Hello all,
This is my first post and I'm new to the forum and I need some advice. My husband and I have been looking to adopt for about 9 months. We've been matched with a beautiful 5 year old boy and have had 6 visits with him over the last 3 weeks. We get along great and are anxious to move forward but want to do it in the right way. The problem is that he is extremely bonded to his current foster mother. In his mind she is his only mother and doesn't want to leave her and doesn't want to talk about being adopted. Our SW seems to be discouraged by this but I think it must be pretty normal - what 5 year old voluntarily wants to leave the only true home that they've known.

Any advice on how we can better prepare him to bond and then move on with us as his forever family?

Thanks.

[DianeScraps]

Do you have the support of the current foster family or do they also want to adopt?

[ParadiseinFL]

We have the full support of the foster family. They love him but had already adopted 3 and felt they couldn't adopt a 4th child. We also knew the foster family prior to the adoption match.

[DianeScraps]

Whew! Well that helps! Ask the foster mom what the childs favorite things are - animals, toys, etc. . .

Also can he help choose some things for his new room? Maybe a comforter, picture, etc

Also when you are visiting with him at your home build him right into the routine - clearing the table, shopping for groceries, etc

Diane

[JocelynC]

This happened with my aunt when she adopted her daughter. She was like 4 or 5 and had been with the same foster mom since she was 18 months. She considered this woman her mom, and she didn't want to leave.

My aunt came up with the idea to let the foster mom come over and visit about once or twice a month for about six months. It helped make the transition much easier.

Now she's 9 yrs old and she still sees her old foster mom about twice a yr and she considers her "Aunt Jamie".

It was a good solution for my aunt, but of course you have to do what works for you.

[ParadiseinFL]

Thanks for all the suggestions. He moved to our house this weekend and its going ok. It sounds like we're doing all the right things - helping him pick out his new bedspread and pillowcase and having his foster mom come for visits and have phone calls. It's good confirmation for me. I think I am looking for the "magic bullet" that will make it all better for himl.

[MatthewS]

You will never find a magic bullet. Our AD's foster family were such a positive force in her life, that we have integrated them into part of our routine, at least as much as possible.

"A" had been told from the beginning that the foster family wouldn't be her permanent home--and in fact had a disruption prior to being placed with that foster family.

In any case, you want to include your kiddo in all aspects of family life--while "A" was in transition to us, she helped in tasks like cleaning the house and shopping for groceries.

We have dinner with the foster family as much as we can--it helps reinforce that positive relationships can change.

We've been pretty lucky. I *think* that "A" has bonded to us. Mind you, she does rage sometimes, but less now. We've had a year with her. Fortunately in the first two years of life, she had a pretty normal family situation. That helped us a lot I believe.

Good luck! It IS worth it. You're asking the right questions.

[sallyshore]

There is lots of literature out about bonding and attachment when adopting older children. Since the child is already in your home, some of the transitional stages have been missed, but you can work on attachment with the child now in many ways to help insure he truly bonds with you in a healthy way. There are books about adopting toddlers and some of those might help, despite his being older. There are blogs and message boards for new adoptive parents where lots of therapeutic attachment information is shared. It's very important to start these activities as early as possible -- attachment is probably THE most important part of making an adoption work.

Good luck!
sally