[Niclayson]

I have not posted here before. I really need some advice. My son is 9 months old. He came home 7 weeks ago from Guatemala. He had previously been in an orphange and then was moved to foster care for 3 months before we picked him up. He came home a little underweight and definately delayed...as he could not sit well unassisted.

7 weeks later he can sit, crawl the length of the house, pull to standing and cruise. He has gained 3 pounds. Sounds good right? He is the fussiest, most miserable child 90% of the time. One of my daughters was in tears this morning asking me "why does he not like us?"

Here are the issues. He screams if I don't hold him. I hold him so much in my arms and in a sling that my biceps and back feel like they are going to explode. He doesn't scream when I hold him but he continues to whine. He tries to get out of the sling and reaches for the floor so I take him out and put him on the floor...he then screams to get back up in my arms. He actually sleeps through the night this past week (we were up several times a night before that)...but getting him to bed is a nightmare.

He bites me, slaps me, holds his breathe and screams when he doesn't get what he wants. I am doing the attachment parenting...carrying, rocking, singing. He does make eye contact with feedings and strokes my face lovingly. He smiles after naps and is happy for about 30 minutes and then the ugliness starts.

I feel like I'm going to lose it. I have no time for my other kids, can't shower by myself, and feel like everything I am doing is not making this child happy. I feel helpless and sometimes angry. I have a good friend who is also going thru similar things with her adopted child...so I do have someone to vent to and my husband is supportive.

Is this normal? Will this behavior continue forever? I am committed to this baby...but I have to say that I'm beginning to dread getting up every morning to face 14 more hours of crying, whining, and anger. Anyone else feel this way??

[lucyjoy]

Sounds exhausting for you. He's terrified. His entire world has just been shook up(so has yours). Sounds like your doing all the right things. I do think this is a normal reaction to a life changing event. Think of him as being more emotionally the 7 week old infant rather then his actual age.

[sltgjt]

Just keep up the great work and hang in there. He is young enough to where you have a good chance of him growing out of it. Hopefully at least. We care and understand so vent here anytime and we will be here for you.

[Lorraine123]

I'm sure you are exhausted. You have a right to be. You have a right to be frustrated also. Keep up the attachment parenting. He will get better if you continue with it. He is young and you are good mother. Remember to not take it personally, it isn't that he doesn't like you, its that he doesn't like what has happened to him. Keep up the good work.

[radblog]

Natalie, I understand how overwhelmed you are. I agree with the above responses... your son is terrified you are going to leave him. His life has been a series of losses and a constant struggle to survive. He isn't even sure WHAT he wants so he can't do a very good job of telling you what he wants.

The number one thing you have to remember is to relax, calm down, regroup. Believe me, I know how impossible this can be when a child comes unglued over seemingly insignificant things, and when so many responsibilities are pulling you in so many directions. But take a deep breath and approach your son with an attitude that says--no, that RADIATES--I am your mom. I will take care of you. I will make good choices for you. I will keep you safe. You cannot and will not push me away. I am *powerful* enough to keep you safe, so you can trust me.

Part of the power you must show your child is your calm in the face of his storms. Wear him in a sling as you have been as much as possible. Smile, talk to him, relax as much as is humanly possible when you are wearing a screaming kid! Lay him on your bed and give him cream baths. Climb in the tub with him and lay him on your tummy. Put him in bed with you and do the same... skin to skin. AND--buy Martha Welch's book "Holding Time" and read it through and through. OMIT the part about mom screaming at the kid (releasing her emotions) but read, understand and apply the part about holding through stress and anger and disregulation until you achieve resolution.

As hard as it will be, you must set aside ALL other responsibilities to the maximum extent you can, and make this little guy your number one project. You must be his ENTIRE world for awhile. If you can do this now, and if you can push past his defenses (and that sounds highly probable, given that he can be cuddly and stroke your face, etc.) you will reap untold dividends from this front-end investment.

I would be happy to talk to you on the phone if you like. Email me through the forum at radblogs@adoptionmail.com, or personally at nancy@radzebra.org.

Hang in there, you are absolutely on the right track, and you are absolutely normal in your response... anyone would be stressed out. Don't beat yourself up, but instead redirect that energy into being the best therapeutic mommy you can as much as you can.

[Javalita]

Read Attaching in Adoption if you haven't already. It is a great resource. Also (if possible) co-sleeping has does so much to help my son transition into things.

[hophock]

You might also look at www.a4everfamily.org to know that you are NOT ALONE!!!!! Our son did some of what you're describing (the whining was INCESSANT), although we did have a honeymoon period (which made it hard to figure out what was going on.) Holding Time (as Nancy's suggested) helped TONS. We have since gotten professional help, but I can say that he is now doing really well. Hang in there!!!

Hugs!

[Niclayson]

Thank you for your advice and support. Yesterday I felt like I was going to lose it. Today is a new day and so far he is pleasant...so maybe it will be better

I am fortunate enough to be home with him full-time until September...so hopefully this will be enough time for him to begin feeling secure. (I am a graduate nursing student and will be returning to school in the fall...so he'll have to be apart from me about 20 hours a week. I will be on scholarship for my PhD so I can't put off the school any longer. Hopefully this won't undo his trust!)

Have to go...he's fussing!

[mallory4]

Niclayson,

Your post sounds a lot like one I could have written myself, only our son was a domestic, foster/adopt placement who arrived at 14 months.

The non-stop whining, the constant wanting to be carried (I didn't mind, but my back sure did!) the biting, clawing, punching, pinching, etc. Our boy hurt himself if he couldn't reach anyone else to hurt, and would bite and claw himself, too.

I was an experienced parent, and an experienced caregiver for other people's infants and toddlers, but nothing had prepared me for how stressful it would be to deal with the whining--let alone the aggression. Whew!

It sounds like you are doing the right things. We have had our son for more than a year, and I would say that we noticed huge changes every 3 months or so.

In our case, a huge breakthrough came when we taught him his first two signs: cup and more. He replaced whining for constantly demanding his cup, and he asked for more, more, more food even when his belly was so distended I thought he would pop, but hey, at least he wasn't whining!

I found holding to be very helpful and at times the only way to center him. I nursed my 3 bio kids, and there were always times when they were just so tired and upset that nursing was their only way back down--for our adopted child, holding works the same way.

Our son still has a lot of anxiety issues, still uses food and drink to soothe himself, and is still very very interested in controlling the environment and the people in it. He still whines more than my other kids did at the same age, but less than some other kids I know

Overall, he is pretty easy to live with and seems happy 85% of the time. We are still trying to deal with the 15%.

The stress of the first few months was hard. There were many mornings when I did not want to wake up, or I wanted to just go right back to bed after breakfast because I had already had enough of the whining, contolling behavior, etc. We muddled through as best we could and I don't feel that way any more.

Please don't judge yourself too harshly, hang in there, and do ask for the support and help you need and deserve.