[desperatemom]

Hello,
I am new to the lists and new to RAD. I recently read a post by Sirky that summed it up. I am TIRED, FUSTRATED,ANGRY,SAD,HOPEFUL YET PESIMISTIC, did I mention TIRED. I have found myself hating my daughter as much as I love her and not doing anything or feeling anything without a dump truck of guilt. You can say, "don't take it personally" I know it is the "disorder" not my daughter, I totally understand what and how it is driving her and firmly believe she does not want to be like this... All that being said... I am still fustrated, we still battle, I spend every waking moment stratigizing over how I am going to handle our next encounter.. Going to be patient, going to be calm, going to be totally empathetic, going to be in a sense a "Good mom". Five minutes after we start our encounters all that goes flying out the window and I am left with a ranting child, and enough failure and guilt to last a lifetime. We adopted her at 2 from foster care... she was just "prone to tantrums". Unfortunatly.. she is also dealing with possible Bipolar and ADHD along with post traumatic stress disorders.... I am more fustrated that I am unable to find any real parenting techniques to try.. Read "parenting the hurt child" (really good), "love and Logic" (also real good). Although these books were great at understanding the disorder, I need tips on how to parent her. I never wanted to be a mom who yelled all the time.. I was a preschool teacher before A mom. I could handle dozens of toddlers at a time.. Yet 10 minutes with my own child and I feel like I can't do it anymore. Also have a 3yr old happy go lucky (adopted) and a 4month old (foster son). Concearned that they will loose there happy go lucky through all this.
Any techniques ??? Advice?? we are already in therapy / plus have a psycologis. Oh ya.. how do you all deal with the constant "pushy" advice of loved ones who think you are doing it all wrong.. Too strick, too stressed, "oh all kids do that" "how does a therapist know her from 1hr a week" etc.. you must have heard it all also.

[Lorraine123]

I wish I could give you a hug. I understand how you feel. It really sucks to not feel warmth toward your child. But RAD children are so great at making us feel that way. I know exactly what you mean about knowing that it is the disorder and not us as parents, but it is still so hard. There are so many times I take it personally and break down. Don't beat yourself up over that. Its only human and you have to right to be human.

Are you seeing an attachment therapist? The therapist should give you advice on how to deal with it. Our therapist actually helped us more than our daughter I think.

As far as pushy family/friends - unfortunately you have to ignore them and if that means being rude or losing them, thats what happens. Their advice is harmful to your daughter. We have lost friends and family as a result of our RAD daughter. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but thats how it is.

Keep posting. We understand.

[desperatemom]

Unfortunatly, I know what you say is true.. Its just that its my grandmother and my mother.. tough ones. We are seeing a therapyst, well that is my daughter and I. My husband is a heat tech.. not really a good time of year to have time off and seeings I am an at home mom.. Really need the income. Thanks for understanding.. been a while since someone could know how I feel without judging.. I do love my little girl.. someday she'll be able to love me too.

[LilyMoon]

Here is a new resource that might be helpful to try:

The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC was created to educate and promote love-based techniques for helping children with severe acting out behaviors. Many of these children have been previously diagnosed with such disorders as reactive attachment disorder, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression, and the list goes on and on.

Most traditional techniques accepted amongst nationally recognized professionals in this field are fear-based and child-blaming. While some of the traditional techniques may seem to help in the short-run, in the long-run, they simply create more fear in the parent-child relationship, many times resulting in chaotic and unsafe homes.

BCI is here to promote a groundbreaking approach that has helped even the most difficult of family cases find stability and healing. Based off of scientific research, the Stress Model was developed by Dr. Bryan Post to provide a simple yet powerful model for helping children with severe behavior. The Stress Model has been shown over and over to help families find the healing that they have been looking for after years of "trying everything and nothing worked."

The book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, explains how this understanding is applied in everyday family situations. Chapters are dedicated to severe behaviors to give parents and professionals the "hands-on" understanding they need to truly help children and to create peaceful environments for children.

The authors, Heather Forbes, LCSW and Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW have written this book just for you. They know from personal experience what it is like to be a place of darkness and to be living in more stress than seems humanly tolerable. They offer first an understanding that will empower you and second, they offer hope!

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need more info.
LilyMoon

[lucyjoy]

I've seen many techniques none of which I would consider shaming or fear based. And many do work well.

As for the family not getting it-my mom thought I was the meanest mother in the world and my children were just fine(until I showed up one Thanksgiving with black and blue bruises up and down both arms and my son very proudly told her he did that) It took them a long time to really get it but as they watch the changes in my children as they began healing, they understood that I did what I had to for my kids.

I like Nancy Thomas' parenting techniques. Her book When Love is Not Enough does a good job explaining the techniques but doesn't protray the loving, fun mom she is. Here DVD's and live seminars show the whole package and how it works.

You can also find information on the Attachment Disorder Network site at www.radzebra.org. They also offer support groups for parents of children with RAD.

Pick one thing to work on at a time. I usually pick something small that really bugs me. I work on handling that behavior calmly and with natural consequences. Try to avoid control battles. When you get one thing under control, you work on the next.

Staying calm takes work and everybody blows it sometimes. These kids know how to push the right buttons to make us all think we're nuts. I had a teacher call me 2 months into school on year and told me to come get my child as she wanted to strangle him. Since I live with the child, I know exactly how she felt. He was not a behavior problem, he just didn't do anything no matter what the consequences were.(kid has amazing staying power)

This can be very isolating so build a support system-even if it's online parents who live the way you do.
You don't have to do this alone.

[sirky]

...about families and friends

THEY WILL NOT GET IT!!!

It does not matter what you say or do or give them to read, most of the time, most of our friends and family have a kernal (or whole corn field) of doubt about how we deal with our children - the adopted ones. These are the same family and friends who are in awe over our biological childs maturity, kindness, politeness, intelligence and repect. They think our bio is amazing and can't see why the other two are in trouble alot more - like we are picking on the adopted two because they are adopted. They see all our kids as perfectly normal and they all should be treated the same. Well, we cant - we have to treat the kids according to thier behavior and if my near 3 yro can handle freedom better than my near 5 yro - well then my 5 yro has to stay close to me more often. I get it, my hubby gets it - most do not.

It really doesn't bother me much anymore - I realise that I myself never "got it" until I fell in love with my rad kids!
Thats when I got it.

I have had one triumph. We have an aunt who is designated a grandma, the only one we really have around. She never took care of the kids and often had the turned down mouith when ever she was around us and the kids - "oh your being to hard on them, oh she is so sweet, oh blah,blah balh". And they were wonderful around her and everyone else. Well then she suddenly became much more involved in thier lives, taking care of them on a regulary basis every week, and as soon as the kids began to attach to her, they became the little demons they are for us! Oh I tell you I finally had some vindication when she came to me ( and now tells everyone else as well) and said how wrong she was and that it really is something you wont understand or experience (the difficult behaviors) unless the children spend alot of time with you!

Well I just wanted to say that It is hard for anyone to know what its like and they often wont really understand because their not in it. But we all do - were in the trenches with you!

[desperatemom]

Thank you all very much. I don't know I honestly have never had much confidence in much of what I do. I am currently trying to talk to someone about that.. thinking if I can make myself feel better I will be better able to help my daughter... My grandmother and mother are very overpowering and pushy, well pretty closed minded and think they are experts on anything.. Both meaning well and truely concerned. That being said, they both make me doubt myself constantly. I some how find myself seeking their aproval to validate being a good mom. I keep telling myself it is them not getting it, not that I am a bad mom. It just hurts because my daughter plays on this big time. She is only 4 but has the mental capabilties of a child much older. (normally this would be a good thing). I guess what I am trying to say is, thank you all for making me feel a bit more "normal" and for your good advice.

[LilyMoon]

I'm sure your Mom and Grandmother are well meaning but it sounds as though they are totally meddlesome and interfering as well as detrimental to the well being of you and your child. My suggestion would be to either educate them with articles on RAD and attachment or to keep them on the sidelines for now and limit contact with you and your child. Get yourself going with a really good attachment therapist.

Have you read Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes? It is a must read for those with attachment issues.

Best wishes,
LilyMoon

[hotspice58]

Where is this Institute? My teenager has attachment disorder and I want to look into something for him.

[hophock]

I second the vote for Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough. I love the DVD series.

But another favorite is Deborah Hage's book, Therapeutic Parenting; It's a Matter of Attitude. IMO, that's the best book for concrete, do-it-today suggestions.

Both are on Nancy Thomas's website.

[MatthewS]

Originally Posted by hophock

I second the vote for Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough. I love the DVD series.

But another favorite is Deborah Hage's book, Therapeutic Parenting; It's a Matter of Attitude. IMO, that's the best book for concrete, do-it-today suggestions.

Both are on Nancy Thomas's website.

Please take "When Love is Not Enough" with a grain of salt. I found that the the acute take on RAD in the book to be a little radical and almost disheartening.

I am glad to be the dad of my daughter, but if I had read the book prior to becoming her dad, I would not have adopted out of fear.

Just my $0.02 worth.

[radblog]

Desperatemom, the Attachment Disorder Network (www.radzebra.org) has a booklet for sale--basically at our printing costs--that is designed to help extended family members "get it". It isn't perfect, but it was written by another mom of an attachment-challenged child, so it won't be coming out of YOUR mouth. I think they are like five bucks or something. You can find more info on the website.

Also, I don't know your location, but ADN is having a conference in June in Atlanta. That would be a great opportunity for your extended family to come and learn something and for YOU to be surrounded by folks living the same life! I thought of the conference because I do a workshop entitled "The Good Mom" and that is exactly how you put it in your post. Boy, can I relate. The opening slide shows June Cleaver on one side and Atilla the Hun on the other!!!

Hang in there, we are all right there with you!

[momatlast]

Our therapist said something once that made me finally understood what attachment parenting is all about (didn't stop me from screwing up and getting angry sometimes, but I did a lot better after I "got it").

She said that basically attachment parenting is not all that different from brainwashing. You're trying to teach the child how to be part of a family. You remind them over and over that "mommy takes good care of you", "mommy keeps you safe", "mommy and daddy are the boss", "mommy and daddy love you, even when you're naughty--but nice is more fun", etc. If the kids hear something over and over, eventually it becomes real to them, and overcomes their current maladaptive mindset.

And yes, RAD kids are EXHAUSTING. For our child, things started to slowly change after about 6 months, were much better after a year, and now 1 1/2 years later, she's 95% like any regular, fully-attached child (every now and then--5%--she tests us to make sure we're still in charge, but meltdowns are very short-lived).

And don't feel bad giving yourself a "time out". When our daughter was on my last nerve, I'd say "Mommy is too cranky and needs a time out. Stay in your room and play until I come back." Fortunately she did--those 10 minutes by myself were lifesavers.

[rindava]

consist of parents being held on air mats for the 2 days of the boot camp....parents are given suggestions of such things are licking their kids face, etc.....

FYI , before you get hook and send lots of money his way.....

[rindava]

in reference to The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC

Both Heather and Bryan were trained under Martha Welch....

Just remember, nothing can be solved in a weekend...

Be careful before giving someone thousands of dollars of your money and years of your time.....Don't always believe what you read.....


Hey weren't advertizments for paid services supposed to be band??????/