[SheldeMuse]

I'm hoping for some ideas on what to do about the "incessant chatter and nonsense questions" from my kids. Both certainly have attachment issues, likely not RAD.

We have sibs, 11 and 2 placed with us a few months ago and both keep up the incessant chatter. Both use it to interrupt others. The real challenge is that the 11 year old gets mad at the things her little brother says and things escalate from there.

I haven't found any clear guidance yet, should I be working on the chatter (especially with the older one, she is also poorly socialized) or let things take care of themselves as attachment improves?

We are in family therapy, but the chatter issue just clicked for me as I re-read "Parenting the Hurt Child" and my therapist is out on medical leave.


Thanks

[carriewoman]

My 6 year old is excellent with the chatter and nonsence questions and interrupting. She'll wait till you get on the phone or start talking and butt in with something silly like "Did you know I like green?"
We started either ignoring her questions till we were done with our conversation, or telling her we are not talking to her at that moment, when we are done we'd love to talk. As far as the nonsence questions.... for ex... you're standing there pouring a glass of juice for all 3 kids, 3 cups, sitting right in front of the kids, they are watching you pour it...... every single time we get the question "Do I get juice too?" We just answer her question with a question "What do you think? or Do I always give you juice too?" It seems to help, but she still does it a lot.
I don't really have great answers, but at least ya know we have it too! :-)

Keep me posted if you learn what to do for it!
:-) Carrie

[Kelly Rae]

Our now five yr. old came at one with RAD, we were her 6th home and she had suffered abuse. She is very attachment, but this issue is still with us. It is so annoying. I haven't been sure if it is a hold over from earlier or her FAE. I know exactly what you are talking about and if you find out how to help this I would love to hear.

[BD2884]

We too have 24/7 of stupid, ridiculous questions and absolute nonsense chatter. For the stupid questions that he absolutely knows the answer to, I say "huh", "what" or ask him the same question he just asked. He answers it himself--usually by the third round. It is getting somewhat better though. I think that he is tired of me asking the same dumb thing over and over. Othertimes I ignore him when he is trying to get a rise out of me.

And for the nonsense chatter--since he is trying to give up his nap--I make him go play by himself--where he can talk to himself nonstop and I get a break. It makes it easier to tune him out part of the day when I have had a break from it.

Good luck:-)
Bari

[tybeemarie]

Parenting the Hurt Child is a great book! Check out Nancy Thomas's wonderful book, When Love is Not Enough, which gives very specific suggestions on how to handle what she calls the Chinese Water Torture behaviors. Chatter is a big thing with attachment disordered kids.

There are different things to do about this. I tell my kids, oh, nonsense questions? Time to practice silence for a while. I'll let you know when you can try talking again. Then after about 5 minutes or so, I'll let them talk if they feel up to it. If they can't remain silent, then they can put one hand on their mouth, if that doesn't work, they can use two hands, if that doesn't work, they can use two hands and while seated, bend over and rest a bit. My kids don't need these prompts, they are able to be silent.

You can also prescribe a chatter time. At a time convenient for you, let them sit somewhere and chatter to themselves. It may be that your kid needs to chatter. Mine really aren't soothed by their chatter, so I haven't had to try this one.

If there is a stupid question session, especially at 11 or 12, you can say, "I think you can answer that question. Go write an essay for me about ways you can find out the answer to that question yourself."

I also find that when my kids get stuck, sometimes a break in things will help them get unstuck. I send them to take a shower or a bath, which is soothing and helps them get out of the rut they're in. Another strategy is to read to them. Then they can listen to you, and not their own nonsense. If they interrupt reading time, then they need time to themselves, probably.

Hope these suggestions help!

[Lorraine123]

Incessant chatter.... Isn't it great (with sarcasm).

We often take away my daughter's privilege to talk. We just tell her she has used it all up and the privilege is gone.

We also will answer dumb questions with dumb answers. Like, she will come into the kitchen at dinner time and say "Are you cooking dinner?" Well, duh... I will say something like "No, I'm building a battleship." And then just continue what I was doing. She is starting to understand and she will say "Oh, silly question huh?".

Its done to drive you batty. And it works. You need to take control of it. It the children's ability to control you and they should not be allowed to do it.

[ahimsa]

I was reading the symptoms for RAD and didn't feel my kids had incessant chatter and questions...at least no more than what I assume all kids do. However, the examples you give here are what my kids do. Don't all kids do that? I'm not sure.

The famous one is "What are you doing?" when it is obvious. Typical scenario...

Me - (folding laundry)
dd - What are you doing?
Me - (sarcastically) making dinner
dd - no you're not, you're folding laundry
Me - so why'd you ask?
dd - I don't know

This scenario plays out FREQUENTLY at our house! Yikes! Maybe it is an attachment symptom after all. What do you think???

[tybeemarie]

Sure, non-RAD kids ask questions they know the answer to, but the difference is in the motivation, the frequency, the intensity. A typical kid might ask what you're doing while you're folding the laundry, but they'd do it to actually make conversation, whereas a RAD kid will do it to control you by driving you crazy. Typical kids talk to people to exchange ideas and feelings, RAD kids talk to people to manipulate and control and push away either intimacy or the disturbing memories and feelings inside. A typical kid could be redirected onto a legitimate conversation pretty quickly, because they would actually prefer connecting with you and sharing. A RAD kid might ask nonsense questions or do meaningless chatter dozens of times a day. On and on and on. You cannot get them to a real conversation, because that is scary to them.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by tybeemarie

A typical kid could be redirected onto a legitimate conversation pretty quickly, because they would actually prefer connecting with you and sharing. A RAD kid might ask nonsense questions or do meaningless chatter dozens of times a day. On and on and on. You cannot get them to a real conversation, because that is scary to them.

Thanks for adding this, I was beginnging to wonder the same thing as Ahimsa. Babe is only 2.5 and already the chatter is making me batty. I remember the same chatter when I worked with eleven year olds... but your distinction of being able to move from babble to conversation makes sense to me.

[ahimsa]

tybeemarie,

Thank you for your post. I feel better now. My kids love to talk, especially my daughter. They tend to use questions to engage us in conversation. If we continue the conversation, they're fine. If we don't, they continue with the questions until we do. They don't seem to be doing it to "annoy" us, but more to interact with us.

[Lorraine123]

You can tell whether the child is doing it to intentionally irritate or to intentionally engage. There is a difference. I think, if you don't feel that it is incessant chatter, then it isn't. It is done to drive you away and irritate.

[JohnnaMJH]

That has been something that's driven me crazy w/my son. It has been one of the hardest things to eliminate. Just today when he asked me something like, are you having a hamburger, when I had just sat down and was unwrapping it, I just stared at him and he finally said, OH, and stopped asking. He does that, "you making dinner now" thing when I am standing there cooking. Or, OK, let's all get in the car to go to Mass. "We going Mass now?" AAGGGHHH!!! It does drive me batty and he knows it, but it is finally lessening. I think Nancy gave me some great advice, this was a while ago, on the yahoogroup, to just say, "you already know the answer don't you?" Man, the first time I did that, he was like a deer in the headlights.

Good luck,

[SheldeMuse]

Thanks for all of the shared examples and suggestions. I'm still processing, trying to understand if the 11 year old does more questions for engagement, or more for annoyance.

But the 2 year old has the best ones, definitely trying to control the world. That seems to be a 2 year old thing anyway, so once again I'm not sure if the behavior is 100% attachment based.

As a new parent I've had to make quick decisions about how I'll handle things. Coping with what the kids say is a bit intimidating - I worry I'll go overboard on shutting them up.