[desperatemom]

Hi everyone,
I am having a really hard time lately and I guess I just need to vent or complain. My Rad daughter is 4 and she is beautiful. Well she is when she is sleeping.. She has gotten worse. The med she was on "seriquil" is nolonger working and she is just bouncing non-stop. She is now hitting her sister (3) and stealing all her toys. My husband is at wits end because she is lying so much. I try to explain that this is all part of her sickness, and he does understand but it is so fustrating. The thing is, he is her favorite. Daddy does no wrong and he gets all the hugs and kisses etc. I am always on the outside looking in.. Quite frankly that SUCKS! But the problem is, I can see them pulling apart because he gets fustrated with her and is actually starting to avoid her where before he would seek her out. I don't even think he realizes it. I am so sad for both of them because he is the strongest bond she has had. We are in therapy and we have a psycologist too. I don't know I am just so tired, tired tired. I feel like I have no happiness in my life right now. My husband is starting his own business and I want to support him, after all he made all my dreams cometrue it is his turn. I want to be a good mother to my other 2 children who mind you are very happy go lucky, and I am so afraid they are going to loose that in all this, and I just want to be around people who think I am a good mother. My daughter has to be kept on short reign so to speak because if I give her too much freedom or any at all, she cn't handle it. I get a lot of constructive feedback from people who don't understand... i wish they would just but out! On a good note I am attending a rad confrence with my social worker.. maybe they can show me how to deal so i can teach her.. i love my daughter, but i feel a lot of resentment due to her behaviors and how much it hurts her and our whole family.. sorry for the bum post, but if you read the whole thing thanks for listening.

[lucyjoy]

These kids are tough and they are good at pushing away the people who love them. It does tend to suck the joy out of life. Glad you are attending a seminar, hope it's a good one.

[sirky]

Desperate,

You are not alone, and you are a good mother. The fact that you are even concerned wether or not you are a good mother is the proof that you are. I am not saying that you are any better then other mothers - but look at what you have to deal with! It is more difficult, much of the time, to raise RAD kids then raising a "traditional" family.

I know. I also have a 4 yo girl (as you have read from my posts) and yes she lies constantly, steals toys from the other kids, and does numerous things to break our family apart. I too am concerned about the effect this one small child will have on my other children and my husband and self.

What has helped me is that fact that by now I know that she has ups and downs (mostly downs) and that they will recede (and then happen again unfortunatly). But tha fact is that I will get a little break at some point before she spirals back down again - never knowing when is hard though. And when we are in the midst of a down-ward spiral it seems like it is never gonna end. I get like you are now - exhausted! Done! tired! giving up?

You are not a bad mother for your feelings, nor are you alone (read "Secret thoughts of an adoptive mother"). One major thing I have got from this website is the fact that EVERYONE here seems to have felt like you and I at one time or another! ANd they all seem to have fairly successful lives!

So you can make it - just wait for one the the upswings!

Sirky

[radblog]

I would suggest you rein your daughter in and limit her freedom to bounce, steal and lie. Start by not asking any questions that can be lied to... so don't say, "Did you take the cookie?" Just call the shots as you see them, and if you think she took the cookie, say, "I see you had trouble controlling yourself, sorry you decided to take the cookie. Guess you won't be having any dessert for dinner, since you already had it!" Don't give her a chance to lie. Better yet, don't give her a chance to take the cookie! She needs to be on line-of-sight supervision until she is making better choices. So, that means sitting next to you doing duplos or looking at a book, or jumping on a mini-tramp to get rid of some of that extra energy. And have you tried Holding Time, as described in the book by Martha Welch? DON'T do the part where Martha suggests you vent in your child's face, but DO read it as far as what a holding session is, and what stages kids go through in holding. Mostly for that age it is just snuggling in a chair, looking for eye contact, compliance and providing a safe place for your child's "uglies" to emerge. Whenever she is dysregulated or not responding appropriately, if possible that is when you should head for the rocking chair. It can be tough to do with other kids around, but very beneficial.

Your husband needs to be onboard completely, as his lack of understanding will only undermine your success with this child. If he allows the child to triangulate the two of you at all, he contributes to her sickness and your struggle with making her well.

Good luck, and I certainly do understand how you feel. Go take a Calgon bath (read the Radblog from last night!)
Nancy

[desperatemom]

Thanks,

I am hoping that I didn't portray my husband as not being on board, I think he is just frustrated like me. The differnece is, he see's what she is doing to me and that puts the added frustration into it. We are a strong couple who have been through hell and back with a lot of other struggles. We are aware that she will try to divide and concor so to speak, I just see him backing away from her a bit and I see her pushing him to do it. I have read the "Love and Logic" book which I believe is a wonderful resource, but it lasted less than a week before she realized what it was and totally underminded it. I have read many books at this point.. I have read, and read and in my head I could explain the perfect solution to most every situation we come into.. I just can't seem to impliment them. She weres me down. I have started the "you need to stay with me" when I catch her lie. I expained to her that I can not help her make good choices if I can't see her. She hates this and I do too! She tantrums the entire time! I have tried turning the radio on and singing to the baby or singing just to ignore the fits while I busy myself. I am to transparent and she knows she is angering me. I guess I am just going through a bad time. Went to the psycologist this morning and they altered her med a bit but honestly I am not expecting much because I dont' think this is the right med for her anyway. Sirky how do you do it????

[radblog]

You can't let her wear you down or get the best of you. I recently saw a new Love and Logic book written especially for kids 6 and under. You might see if that is more specific to your issues. And if L and L is done consistently and you don't wear down, she CAN'T undermine it because the principle is the consequence comes back to haunt her. If, like many RAD kids, she could care less about most consequences, so be it. Let her sit and do nothing until she can master the most basic parameters of being in a family.

Glad to hear your hubby is on board. You were a couple before you had this child. Put her and her behaviors in the background. Make her dance to your tune, not the other way around. If she can't (WON'T) dance, she sits. Have fun with the other kids.

[desperatemom]

thanks for your support. I have the newest one I believe, maybe I just need to find more "break" time so I can be fresher for each new struggle we have.

[sirky]

Originally Posted by desperatemom

Sirky how do you do it????

There are so many times when I dont. I tune out. Get cranky, and occaisonally fall into massive slumps. When I am in a slump - I AM the biggest looser on the planet and everyone else is doing just fine. I am a total failure and will NEVER make it through this (what ever trauma it is at the time). Then somehow - with the help of these forum pages - I make it through a few days and then it is not to bad.

I really dont have a magic solution to these fealings of exhaustion and defeat. Our posts read almost identically, and all I can say is that venting on these forums nad reading the feedback that other experienced moms and dads have left for you. I can tell you that there are many times when I just want an easier life - but how can I do that? I can't. I was given these people in my life and I wouldn't cahnge that. I really wouldn't. I am often asked that question by people who are close enough to me to see that it is hard, but not close enough to understand that I really wouldn't change a thing.

Of course, this is a good day and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel - ask me on any other day and the answer maybe that there is a trian at the end of the tunnel - coming straight for me!

[Kelly Rae]

Is their anyway for your husband and you to get out once a week for a couple of hours? When our daughter came she was diagnosed with RAD, those first couple of year were horrible. The thing that help was our wonderful attachment therapist, classes related to foster/adoption our county put on, walks, and time out once a week with my dh.

These kids will suck the life force out of you, try to add in things that help build you up so you can parent in a way your proud of. Our daughter today is a happy loving 5yr old who is a delight, but still a pain in the butt! LOL

[desperatemom]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the suggestions, Sirky I am hopeful for another good day come knowing your having one. My daughter usually goes to preschool for 2.5 hrs a day and this week is school vacation, plus we have realized that her meds are not working.. Maybe tuesday when she goes back things will get better. My husband and I having alone time is very hard to come by. I have limited resources for babysitters because with my dd(4) and her psyc. and therapy apts. and my foster to adopt son's bp visits once a week, my resources get used up during the day. To top it all off, my husband is in the process of purchasing a business. This business has been a life long dream of his and we as a family are going to support him. He has made all of our dreams come true so it is now his turn. We try and have cuddle time or we will work on a project together, but very rarely are we able to have time without one of the chidren. (this we have to work on). I don't know I guess I am just as sirky described it " in a slump". She pretty well hit the nail on the head. I would never do this, but I do now understand how some moms (not this one), could leave their families. It is just real sad.. the whole thing, the poor child who has to deal with this, the families who feel helpless in healing them.. I give her credit though, she is one touch cookie. Thanks again the post do really help. I hope I haven't "poor me'd" too much.