[sirky]

I am done.

I do not have a clue as to how to keep this up. I am tired. I am fried. I am disgusted. I am disapointed.

How do you keep up a loving. affectionate, supportive relationship with a child that wants nothing to do with you?

As many of you have read on previous and recent posts, I have 2 children (bio-sibs) ages 7 (a boy "P") and 4 (girl "B") whom we are in the process of adopting from the foster system, and a bio daughter age 2 (almost 3, "J"). We have had the 2 older children for little over a year and have done therapy with both - successful with P, but not with B. And now we cannot find a new therapist for B that has attachment specialties.

We have been having a lot of problems with B lately, and I just can't deal right now.

Does any one else ever just feel totally unqualified to do this? remain loving and attentive to a child who thwarts your ever move at discipline and love?

She does not resond to affection and she will not follow any rules what so ever.

This post is to deal with me. I dont know how I can always be loving and affectionate. The worse she behaves, the more I withdraw. I have tried to loving, cuddling, holding, playing and affection for so long now with no results that I am just burnt.

When we were told about these behaviors when we began to research adoption we never thought we could not handle them. Even now I would not change my choices, but I just dont know how to continue doing things the right way. I really find myself getting so mad at her - and not loving at all. She got out of bed again last night - and got out of her room by very quietly removing the child gate!

(By the way, WHERE DO I FIND A DOOR ALARM FOR OPEN DOORS???!!!!!)

She then got into an orange (which is fine) and a cough drop (which is not), and played in the living room. I swear I was gonna tie her in bed! We put bells on the safety gate instead.

No matter what I do she does something to get herslef in trouble. I try to give her freedoms and privilages, yet as soon as I do, she will do somthing so that they have to be revoked and she has to sit with me again - all day this is continuous.

I am just wearing down, and dont know how to get back up. I envision this child being sent off to strict boarding school by the time she is a teenager! I just cant seem to get through to her!

I dont know what else to say...

I just hope there is someone else has an idea, even going away for a couple of days doesn't fix the problem of relaxing my attitude. I am a stay at home mom in a small town, but I get a break when the girls go to preschool 3 mornings a week. I dont know, maybe I am just tired because I am pregnant (a surprise) and it has been very hard do far. But I really feek that this is just a failing in my character and I just dont know how to remidy it. I think I would like to go to a therapist - but again we cant find one that works in attachment, and I dont care for the one that my osn works with. I would want one that is different then I find for my daughter anyways.

It just feels like a big wall I cant hurdle.

[sirky]

an addendum..

what feels really horrible is that sometimes I just can not stand her! to feel that way about my own child really undermines my ability to mother...

[spaypets]

((SIRKY))
I can "hear" your frustration -- there must be other things going on, because, really, for a 4 year-old to sneak downstairs, eat an orange and a cough drop (very much like candy) and play in the living room, is, well, the kind of thing I would have done as a kid. Annoying, but pretty typical. So, obviously, there must be many, many things going on, for this to be a behavior that has you at the end of your rope.

I have no wisdom, having not walked in your shoes, but there are others here who have and who have resources. All I can say is for you to pull back won't help, it will only feed her illness.

Take care of you first, then you can take care of her.

[Lorraine123]

Sirky,

I have been right where you are. Many times. An attachment disordered child will do everything in their power to push you to that point and they are masters at it.

I have been to the breaking point where I have been balled up on the kitchen floor when my husband got home from work and crying that I could go on no more. You are not alone.

Parenting a child who gives nothing in return is the hardest thing I have ever done. There are many times I have felt nothing except annoyance at my daughter, and I feel terrible about that. I mean, what parent feels nothing for their child??? Well, any parent of an attachment disordered child has felt it.

My daughter went through a phase where she would sneak out of her room every night and pee on the family room floor. Talk about frustrated!!!!! I undersatnd.

Do you have an attachment therapist? It is necessary for both you and her. Our therapist helps us as much as our daughter. She understands and it feels so good to find someone who gets it.

Outsiders do not understand. They see these kids as having normal behaviors. And you can't really even explain it. Its not necessarily the behaviors, its the emotion and reasoning behind them.

Please look into attachment therapy. Without it, your daughter will get worse and your coping ability will go down.

Good luck and know that there are others out there who do really understand.

Lorraine

[angelkisses0102]

Hugs to you...I don't know how we do it some days...but we do. Fake it, FAKE it, FAKE IT!!!!!

We have lots of not so great days...days when I know I should have done things better or different...but simply couldn't. We have been at this almost 2 years and our good days are getting better and are more often and our bad days are not as bad and further apart.

Don't set yourself up for failure...don't put too much pressure on yourself...fake it until you make it...take some time for yourself...even if it is just a few minutes.

Every day is new...a day to restart...

It is so hard...many of our kids don't want to get better...they are so 'damaged', so hurt, so afraid to get hurt again...so they push, push, push us away. And the harder they push us away...the tighter we have to hold on...and many days that in itself is a tremendous feat.

I am sorry you are suffering thru this...please feel free to venture over to the forum in my signature...just click on the link...the forum to support you and your needs. You'll find a few of us who will openly admit there are days we simply don't like our kids. And we will share how we muddle trough the hard days and celebrate the little successes...

[lucyjoy]

Cut yourself some slack. This is so hard to do every single day. I was just talking to a group of moms this morning that are right where you are and I have been there so many times. There I days I wake up and my first thought is how am I going to get through this day?
You need to find things that give you joy or fill you up. When you parent a child that can't feel you love them, you are constantly pouring out everything in your heart all the time-it's going to get empty and angry.

As for the room thing-motion detectors work on the doors when they are open. If it were me, I'd get the healthy kid out of her room and shut the door using a contact alarm. While she may not like it, it will make her feel safer. As for medicines and such-I keep those locked in my room with me.

Sometimes it helps to forget about what she needs to do or what she's doing wrong and just find some silly things to do together.

[sirky]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Thank you everyone for your support, i was really feeling low those days and your posts really, really helped me. I just had to read them and felt some of the tension leaving me.

I have this need to be a perfect mom because everyone else seems to be - I guess I am really happy I am delusional about that one!

Thank you all agian, I will be checking in regularly!

[ajjhmf]

Originally Posted by sirky

I have this need to be a perfect mom because everyone else seems to be

LOL! I know what you mean. And it's really hard when we're dealing with attachment. It's like we feel like we HAVE to be perfect. But guess what, we don't and our kids still heal and survive.

Everyine has their bad days. I know I just had one. Perfect moms only exist on black and white tv.

Jenny

[DinPAis2adopt]

Before I forget it, we bought our door alarms at CVS Pharmacy - a 4 pack of contact alarms by First Alert for 10 bucks! - Well worth it!

As far as other ways to deal with RAD... patience is a key! Along with spending some time away from the child (even though they will try to not allow you to do that... even at 3am!)

We are experiencing the worst times we have encountered yet with our son... I think he doesn't like how he sees that we are not responding the way he wants us to. Plus, we have just started Attachment Therapy about a month ago. I have a vision of hope that it will make a difference in the future, but for the present time, it has only made things more difficult.

Keep on going! That's all we can do!

[sallyshore]

Reading the books on RAD has helped me (when you're really down, try reading Nancy Thomas' books and/or Daniel Hughes', they help me to get a little perspective all over again), but good therapy with a fully trained RAD therapist is a MUST. I have struggled for years without the therapy link, doing the best I could with the knowledge I had and the therapist who was working with me, but now I see how not having that therapy has left my teens very screwed up (one is diagnosed with "anti-social personality disorder" as many adult RAD kids are, another with Borderline Personality Disorder, which more girls tend to end up diagnosed, I gather). I have seriously considered moving to CO where there seems to be the most attachment therapists in the country, but there are more and more therapists in training and it is possible to find them other places. I am finally working with someone who is in the process of training -- the best I can find where I live -- and it is slow-going, and whether it will really turn this child around, I'm not sure. Good attachment therapists do work as much if not more with the parents than with the kids, and part of what they must do is support the parent who is struggling so. Whatever you do, you must find a good therapist to help you! Dr. Bill Goble and others insist that good, fully trained respite providers are also an essential piece to the therapy puzzle. I have friends who have gone to his two week intensives (in NC) and feel like that saved their lives. Good luck!

sally

[lostboys]

Sirky,
I am sure at times we all feel like you have discribed. I know I do. It is so difficult to pour your heart out to these kids and get nothing but deception in return.

We bought window and door alams at radio shack, We have teen agers, so we have to alarm the outside doors. We also have motion sensore inthe house, so if they go any further that the bathroom door at night, It triggers the lights to our bedroom. We light up like a Christmas tree. On top of that we have cameras placed through out the house that start recording to the computor whenever there is movement. I really hate having to do all this, but it neccessary for the safty of the boys, ourself and our property. They are masters though! even with all this they still manage to get through the security at times.

[marvin's mom]

Sirky,
Here's a great article about attachment parenting someone sent to me. I found it very enlightening, and though perhaps you may have some aha! moments also.
Jill

http://www.fwweekly.com/content.asp?article=169

[desperatemom]

Dear Sirky,

Pardon my rookieness, this is my first time here and first post. I read your post and if I didn't know any better I would have thought it was something I wrote. We (husband and I), adopted a little girl from foster care who was 2 and had been in 10 different homes before she came to us. We have just found out that she has "Reactive Attachment Disorder" along with "Bipolar" and has ADHD tendincies, which obviously coincide with the "Bipolar". She is 4 now and well I can honestly sit here and totally know were you are.. I was there, still am. I have never met anyone that I have loved so much and hated so much at the same time. I know it sounds harsh but it is true. There are days when I just look at her and the demonds inside her and I throw my arms up and say screw it. At the same time I am screaming from my heart I love you let me in, just give me a chance you woun't be sorry. I am angry at what drives her but I am so helpless to help her. I have become a human sponge trying to learn anything I can on how to parent her. I am comming to this as a preschool teacher and a career mom. I feel like a failure, I feel helpless, I feel angry, defeated, alone, most of all TIRED Tired of trying, physically tired, mentally tired. I could sleep a full night (not that often), but if I do, I wake up tired also. I have more days when I don't want to be a mom and then feel guilty for feeling anything that I have written here. I guess what I am trying to say is you are not alone and misery loves company so, nice to meet you lol
One thing I did that helped, was I sat down and just wrote everything I was feeling inside. Funny thing was, I didnt' realize I was doing it till I was done... Thats when I knew I was in trouble. 3 pages later I had gotten it all out. It took some time but I did let my husband read it. He said he never would have known all of that was in me. I cried like I have never cried, I just had a melt down. It helped in two ways... I was able to get rid of the baggage and start frest again, or as fresh as it gets. Second, I was able to realize what it feels like to just totally loose control of your emotions and how my daughter must feel. Today I was a bit more empathetic and patient... Tomorrow... well lets hope. I also made myself a sticker chart today.. not hers, mine. I get a sticker for not yelling in the am.. pm.. for trying 1 new technique a day, attempting 3 hugs without feeling bad if rejected.. things like that .. there are 10 things.. 7 a day for 7 days hubby buys me an outfit and a complete day/night off. Thats insentive!! I like you have more children.. 3yr girl and 4 month son.. Things to try.. also I have read "parenting the hurt child" and "Love and Logic" Parenting the hurt child is good lots of explanations and techniques to try.. Love and Logic is fun.. not all will work with rad but some does so far.. both are very quick and easy reading..
Please feel free to email me personally if you want to talk... I know there are not a lot of suport groups and I like you... fight each day to smile. Hang in there I'll be thinking of ya. (ps pardon the grammer / spelling I'm so tired but need to do this for sainity....

[desperatemom]

]Dear Sirky,

Pardon my rookieness, this is my first time here and first post. I read your post and if I didn't know any better I would have thought it was something I wrote. We (husband and I), adopted a little girl from foster care who was 2 and had been in 10 different homes before she came to us. We have just found out that she has "Reactive Attachment Disorder" along with "Bipolar" and has ADHD tendincies, which obviously coincide with the "Bipolar". She is 4 now and well I can honestly sit here and totally know were you are.. I was there, still am. I have never met anyone that I have loved so much and hated so much at the same time. I know it sounds harsh but it is true. There are days when I just look at her and the demonds inside her and I throw my arms up and say screw it. At the same time I am screaming from my heart I love you let me in, just give me a chance you woun't be sorry. I am angry at what drives her but I am so helpless to help her. I have become a human sponge trying to learn anything I can on how to parent her. I am comming to this as a preschool teacher and a career mom. I feel like a failure, I feel helpless, I feel angry, defeated, alone, most of all TIRED Tired of trying, physically tired, mentally tired. I could sleep a full night (not that often), but if I do, I wake up tired also. I have more days when I don't want to be a mom and then feel guilty for feeling anything that I have written here. I guess what I am trying to say is you are not alone and misery loves company so, nice to meet you lol
One thing I did that helped, was I sat down and just wrote everything I was feeling inside. Funny thing was, I didnt' realize I was doing it till I was done... Thats when I knew I was in trouble. 3 pages later I had gotten it all out. It took some time but I did let my husband read it. He said he never would have known all of that was in me. I cried like I have never cried, I just had a melt down. It helped in two ways... I was able to get rid of the baggage and start frest again, or as fresh as it gets. Second, I was able to realize what it feels like to just totally loose control of your emotions and how my daughter must feel. Today I was a bit more empathetic and patient... Tomorrow... well lets hope. I also made myself a sticker chart today.. not hers, mine. I get a sticker for not yelling in the am.. pm.. for trying 1 new technique a day, attempting 3 hugs without feeling bad if rejected.. things like that .. there are 10 things.. 7 a day for 7 days hubby buys me an outfit and a complete day/night off. Thats insentive!! I like you have more children.. 3yr girl and 4 month son.. Things to try.. also I have read "parenting the hurt child" and "Love and Logic" Parenting the hurt child is good lots of explanations and techniques to try.. Love and Logic is fun.. not all will work with rad but some does so far.. both are very quick and easy reading..
Please feel free to email me personally if you want to talk... I know there are not a lot of suport groups and I like you... fight each day to smile. Hang in there I'll be thinking of ya. (ps pardon the grammer / spelling I'm so tired but need to do this for sainity....[/quote]

[sirky]

Hi everyone,

This past week has been a little better. The frustating thing is that it is only better because B is not trying as much to be difficult. We're in one of those temporary reprieves. Which is nice for now, but it is shaky. I really dont know how long it will last, but at least it is predictable - she is a total rollar coaster!

Well maybe one of the days we will reach the stage when the lows aren't as low and long as they are now and the highs and plateaus will moderate and last longer!

Thanks all!