[JohnnaMJH]

Can anyone give me their thoughts on this. One big sadness for us is that our son who has been home about 18 mos has not said I love you. He has said, I like you Mom or Dad for a long time, but until the other day, he wouldn't say I love you. He didn't say te amo either. (He was home at age 3, after negligent foster care and a traumatic transition) The other day, he shocked me by saying I love you out of the blue. Then, that night when I tucked him in and said I love you, like I always do, he actually said I love you back. He hasn't said it regularly since then, but occasionally. I have always felt like the 'I like you' is sometimes used to grate on us as we know that attachment challeneged kids will do.

So, long way of asking, what do we do to foster affection on our terms? And, if it isn't, what do we do? Ignoring them doesn't seem right, but what else?

THANKS for any experiences or advice you can share,

[lucyjoy]

I wouldn't ignore the affection as even if it is fake. Trying to model correct behavior is still a good sign.
If he's using is as manipulation, what I do with my son is tell him I'm glad he likes me or that I like him too but right now he needs to do whatever he was suppose to do. Your son is young. Hold him often and play games and such that cause good eye contact and touch. With older kids, I've told them that I am a strong mom and that strong moms know when kids need hugs(and they need like 12 a day at least).

I don't know that it is bad that your son took a long time to tell you he loves you. Maybe it took him a long time to understand what loving was. It more likely means that he meant it when he said it. The really manipulative ones claim they love you from day one.

[kretzklan]

Maybe a crazy question - but does he understand that when someone says I love you...someone else usually says it back? Our children were older - but they had never had that modeled for them. One day I said I love you and my daughter said "yes"...I asked her - do you love Mommy? She said YES. I said - wow, it's nice to hear it from someone - doesn't it make you feel good when I say it to you? She looked at me totally deadpan and said "OOOOHHHH...I can say it back"...

Since then, I know that if they don't say it back - well, there is a problem...

Just wondering...

[JohnnaMJH]

Thanks for the responses. I do think he did know te amo from his FM. It is remotely possible that he didn't respond w/te amo, but they were so attached that I find it almost impossible to believe. The thing was, he was very spoiled, babied to the extreme, yet at the same time, roamed around in the alley or street w/a bunch of kids w/no structure or discipline. To be honest, she treated him like a little lover, and yes, I could be still a bit bitter (long story, lies, shakedown for money, etc.) but it was weird the way he used to try and caress me all over in the beginning. I know she called him mi amor, but that isn't necessarily bad. Anyway, I digress. I think that in many cases it is a situation where he is either supposed to be doing something else, or he is jealous of me doing something else, so he butts in and says, Mom I like you!!!

So, I'm thinking I either say, thanks, and then redirect him, or if I don't think he's being manipulative, I could say I love you back.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

[Shoshana]

Johnna -- I belong to a large extended "family" of Cubans and Puerto Ricans. I often hear many different people in this particular group using mi amor, mi vida, etc. as terms of endearment for the little ones. They also use mamita and papito for the children. I'm not doubting what you're saying about the relationship, but maybe the words themselves are more cultural?

[JohnnaMJH]

Originally Posted by Shoshana

Johnna -- I belong to a large extended "family" of Cubans and Puerto Ricans. I often hear many different people in this particular group using mi amor, mi vida, etc. as terms of endearment for the little ones. They also use mamita and papito for the children. I'm not doubting what you're saying about the relationship, but maybe the words themselves are more cultural?

Yes, I meant to write that but instead just wrote that it wasn't necessarily bad. I guess it is good to consider what the other poster said, that perhaps it would've been more problematic if he had just said I love you with ease from day one.

Thanks,

[hotspice58]

My 8 yo fs wouldn't say it either. I got him when he was 6. I just said it to him every day. My mother would try to get him to say it but he wasn't ready. I also think he thought he was being disloyal to **. He made this statement in therapy: therapist asked if he kissed me at night and he said I wasn't is real mom. Therapist pointed out what I do for him and he's started giving me kisses.

[JohnnaMJH]

Thanks for your post. He also doesn't really kiss me, unless I ask him to. It has been so hard to realize that the things I took for granted with my other children are in fact not to be taken for granted. But, I am learning and we are both growing together. I have adjusted my expectations a lot, especially in terms of timeframes. I know it'll be months and years before things change, not just days or weeks.

Thanks again,

[GCS]

My sone was home 8 and half months(yes, I know to the day) before he told me he loved me.

He told his Papa in the first 6 weeks.

I told him I loved him 5 or more times a day and he would just say "yeah". And then out of the blue, not even as a reply to my "I love you" he told me. It was really heartfelt and he held my face with his little 4 year old hands as he said it.

He doesnt say it all the time. Tells Papa every morning when he leaves for work. I hear it maybe once a week. But I know that he is attaching well to me in other ways. I still tell him 5 or so times a day that I love him. Sometimes he wrinkles his nose and smiles, sometimes I get a hug, once in awhile an "I love you" back, and still occassionally "yeah". It's a process.

Christina

[JohnnaMJH]

Interestingly, my son brought home this valentine book today and he had to fill in answers. For 'I love' he said 'Mom.' Then below it said 'because' and he said 'I like her.' OK, I get it now!!!