[sallyshore]

I'm looking for others who have children they adopted (were placed with them) when they were infants and are now older children with attachment problems -- maybe not full RAD, but major problems nonetheless. It is very hard for me to not feel guilty about not having done better parenting with these kids, but I am continually being told that there may have been nothing I could have done differently, even if I had known then all I know now about attachment. I keep running into and hearing about parents of adopted kids who are in lots of trouble, diagnosed ODD, ADHD and/or Conduct Disorder (CD). Some of these kids are in residential placements of some kind, some run-aways, some still at home and driving their parents crazy.

After having my kids diagnosed by Dr. Bill Goble, and having consulted with him some, I have more information about this problem and understand it is much more widespread than I had known. The people I know personally don't have this information, and are feeling terrible about how their adopted children "turned out" and hold plenty of guilt and confusion over why this happened. Some of them have other children who are doing fine. From what I understand, some kids just seem to have the personality/genes/whatever that propels them more toward attachment problems and the problems that come later -- anti-social personality, borderline personality disorder, etc. Some kids seem to be more "resilient" and have only minor attachment problems. I'm talking about kids who were adopted at birth or shortly afterward, were placed into loving, competant families, and yet, end up with what appears to be attachment problems that lead to major problems when they are teens and adults.

I could really use others who have experienced this or are experiencing this for support and understanding. I tend to get judgement and condemnation from people who don't understand that even with adequate parenting, adopted kids can end up with attachment disorder.

sally

[radblog]

Sally,

I have been working with families who have kids with attachment problems for about ten years now. Periodically my husband and I host informal dinner parties for couples who contact me... I bring them together, they learn they are not alone, they can form their own mini-support groups... it is a win/win. I clearly remember one group being comprised of four families, all with kids they had adopted between the ages of 3 days and 3 months. Two boys, two girls, all from private adoptions. All four families had other kids who were doing fine... some adopted, some bio. All four families were basically imploding because of these kids.

The outcome for these families was dismal. All four kids eventually ended up in residential care, although they have all emancipated by now.

There is a hot discussion going on in the blogs right now about losses and attachment. Even infants recognize loss. I would be happy to provide additional support for you in way I can. Find me through the RAD blog.

[JohnnaMJH]

Can you point us to the RAD blog? THANKS!

[radblog]

http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/


Here you go!

[hophock]

I don't know if this is helpful, but there is a website dedicated to identifying attachment problems in kids adopted as infants, mostly under the age of 7 months. If nothing else, maybe it would make your friends feel better to realize that this is a lot more common that was once believed.

http://www.a4everfamily.org

HTH!

[mallory4]

Our son arrived at 14 months, and has been here for a year, so I would especially be interested in hearing about what parents whose kids are now older would say were early signs of attachment issues or RAD--I don't know what to look for in a child so young, since the info I have seen assumes a child is old enough to be talking and therefore to lie, deny responsibility, blame, etc.

One thing I have noticed with R is that if he is frustrated with me, like if I won't give him a toy he wants or the snack he wants, he will look right into my eyes and hurt himself--pinching or clawing himself. He does not do this when he is just upset with a situation in general, or when he is hurt, only when he sees one person (usually me) as standing between him and what he wants.

If the person not doing what he wants is one of the other kids, he usually bites or claws them, but with me, he hurts himself. I have never given him a big reaction, in case he is doing it for the shock value. I usually say something non-chalant like "Pinching yourself will not make me give you the crackers. We will have more crackers later." and go on with what I am doing.

Anybody experienced or heard about a child who does this? Could it be an attachment-related problem?

[hophock]

Originally Posted by mallory4

early signs of attachment issues or RAD--I don't know what to look for in a child so young, since the info I have seen assumes a child is old enough to be talking and therefore to lie, deny responsibility, blame, etc.

One thing I have noticed with R is that if he is frustrated with me, like if I won't give him a toy he wants or the snack he wants, he will look right into my eyes and hurt himself--pinching or clawing himself. He does not do this when he is just upset with a situation in general, or when he is hurt, only when he sees one person (usually me) as standing between him and what he wants.

If the person not doing what he wants is one of the other kids, he usually bites or claws them, but with me, he hurts himself.

Anybody experienced or heard about a child who does this? Could it be an attachment-related problem?

Yes, we've experienced it in our son, who came home at 6 months old. And, yes, it's been dxed as an attachment problem. He's now 3.5 and therapy has worked wonders.

Here's Dr. Buenning's list of attachment symptoms in infants:
http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.ph...d=14&Itemid=81

And here are additional symptoms that parents of infants have noticed:

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.ph...d=22&Itemid=82

Hope that's helpful. I was exactly where you are now just a few years ago. I had never seen behavior like this befor and couldn't figure it out. People around me kept trying to tell me it was "normal." I'm very thankful we pursued getting professional help.

[mallory4]

Hophock, thanks so much for that link--I went right to it and I feel a bit ill right now because the list of additional symptoms is like a picture of my kid. I had no idea so much of what seems unusual about him is attachment related. Now I am scared.

He says the same things over and over all day long, and asks questions over and over, and I knew that anxiety lay behind it but did not think to relate it to attachment--he has been here a year and I kept asking myself what does he have to be anxious about and trying to figure out what would help. He eats non-stop, and requests food non-stop.

I am going to document it all and talk to our doctor and workers to find out who to see in our area.

[angelkisses0102]

I have a now 2.5 year old son, adopted at 8 months and 1 day...he is from a great orphanage in Russia...exceptional care for an orphanage. He is attachment disordered...but thankfully, we now are certain he is not RAD.

He was a home birth, his birthmom tried to keep him for one month...and then he was placed in the orphanage for adoption. When we first got him..he made no noises...didn't even laugh out loud...just whimpered. He wanted to be held...constantly...which I thought was great. (wrong-o)

Once we returned home (just home 10 days) he was hospitalized for a week in the PICU...that was the end of any possibility of his bonding and attaching properly.

He did not sleep...he was up 8 to 10 times per night...he SCREAMED if I and I alone was not holding him. SCREAMED if I set him down for even a second...SCREAMED if I was out of his line of vision...if I left the room..if I did anything. He raged at me...kicking violently during diaper changes...he has kicked me, hit me, scratched me until I bled, spit on me, pinched me...all of this before he was 2 years old...my baby was full of fear and anger...and he did not trust that I too was not going to leave him.

He also would not go to his daddy willingly for 11 long months...again he SCREAMED at the top of his lungs if daddy came near him. He only gave and recieved affection on his terms....everything HAD to be on his terms...or he screamed or he raged. He was constantly sick...got ear tubes at 13 months...didn't talk much.

So, we attachment parented him from the minute he returned home from the hospital...I held him constantly in a Hip Hammock...I swear his feet rarely hit the ground...we did holding time...we did more attachment parenting...we thought we would lose our minds every time he regressed...it was almost 2 years of pure hell. We did more attachment parenting and lots of talking to him.

Thankfully he was our second Russian adoption and I recognized immediately that he was struggling. It is so odd because our daughter was in an awful situation in Russia...and now home almost 4 years (4.5 years old) she has never exhibited an attachment issue or struggle...she tranitioned so well.

One month ago...my baby boy at just 30 months old had his tonsils and adenoids out..and ear tubes put back in...his ears were completely infected and full of pus. Within one week we have noticed the change in him...he started talking to us...really talking in 3 to 5 word sentences...his hearing improved...as did his sleeping...up until 3 weeks ago he did not sleep thru the night...now he does.

I now realize that my child was also in chronic pain...another contributing factor to his attachment struggles...

He is a changed child...the 'light' has finally come on that mommy is (most likely) not leaving him...he can finally play by himself without me right there. Yesterday he sat and watched TV by himself for 20 minutes and didn't immediately freak out when he realized I wasn't in the room. He still gets panicked at times if we are seperated...but it is not constant.

He will finally tell me he loves me...he will hug and kiss me...when I ask, when he wants to and even when he doesn't want to. Prior to this, he refused to do these things to me...but would stare me in the eye and do it to daddy or his sister...just to spite me. He is 'in love' with one of our dogs and is so loving and gentle with her...he no longer tries to hit and kick them...he plays with baby dolls and is gentle and nurturing.

He is not completely healed...but we continue to work with him and we now know he will get better...but there have been days and weeks and even months where we didn't know...but we know his is capable to attaching. It has been a long road...but our road would have been longer and bumpier if we had listened to everyone else who said it 'was normal.'

[mallory4]

I think I already know the answer to this question, but am hoping I am wrong...R is still technically a foster child, and we plan to finalize the adoption this spring--will his medical card cover an evaluation by an attachment therapist? I know our private insurance won't pay for it even after we are finalized.

[mckenna]

my son's attachment specialist was covered by medicaid. i think we started just before he was adopted and nothing changed after the adoption as far as coverage.