[mellieollie]

We have 2 adopted children and they have been home with us now for 9 mths.

My concern is about my 3.5 yr old daughter

In the past 2 times we have been out for weekend outings, we have had trouble leaving. Weekend outings are not new to her. We are constantly out and about, be it Disneyland, the Zoo, the mall, the park, the beach, the pier... wherever. We are a very active family and the kids seem to have caught on well.

1) Sea world. My daughter stopped listening to us and after numerous warnings and offering to her the threat of leaving, we finally had enough. The final straw was that she was ice cold and would not wear her jacket. We said, OK that it.. now we are going home. So in the middle of Seaworld she starts SCREAMING and screamed her way, holding my hand... or rather me holding on to her... all the way though the park and the parking lot. And I mean at the top of her lungs screaming: "I don't want to go home." We didn't get to the whale and her behavior was so bad that there was no option but to skip Shamu. Yes it was diappointing, but we live about 20 min away and have season passes, so its not like we'll never go again. I know she doesn't understand this, which makes me feel like what I did was wrong because she lives for this whale. But I stand by my word, and didn't want to give in.

2) A birthday party. This party had the whole 9 yards. Kids from preschool, a cake, a pony and carriage and a horse ride. Well, at present time she couldn't understand that these were not her presents and got upset because she didnt' have a present. The person hosting the party for her little girl had to give her a gift basket early as to put a stop to potential meltdown. Then I think anger set in because my little one started picking the plants apart in the garden. She looked at me with a miscehvious eye, as to say.. "I know this is wrong but I am going to see what I can get away with" At that point I knew it was time to leave. My husband got her out and all H$&# broke lose. Screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking the driver's seat in the car, how we got her in her car seat I have no idea. Then when we got home we were punnished with a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet. Well, this did not go over well as our house flooded due to too much TP just 2 weeks ago. Needless to say, we were not too happy!

Otherwise, we have a perfect child who loves us, kisses us, hugs us, has attached to Nemo, Woody, and most recently, we have found out, Shamu. LOL She kisses me and her grandparents over the phone. She asks for hugs and kisses and kisses my eyes... smiles laughs... you name it, its there. She eats everything we give her, including vegetables. She trusts us enough so that she will let us dunk her underwater in a pool. She comes to our bed at night and wants to snuggle and sleep inbetween us as to make a "sandwich". She rolls on the floor with the dog and is sweet to the dog. She has a babydoll and plays dirty diaper with it, and cares for it like her own.

So, I wonder is this normal Terrible 3s? Or is this something more.

Also... how in the world does one handle these tantrums? I am at my wits end with them!

Thanks for any advice!

[Imani68]

Sounds like my normally sweet little 3 year old angel. I think this is perfectly normal toddler behavior.

[whoownsthis]

Have you tried "1-2-3 Magic"? At this age there's no sense explaining to her why she needs to behave or what will happen to her if she doesn't. It's a great tool for little ones who are just on the verge of a meltdown:

1. Say "Kiddo, we use inside voices at the zoo/park/store. That's 1."

2. Perplexed, she gets louder, wondering what you'll do, so immediately you say, "That's 2!" (again, no emotion, just matter of fact).

3. Now she sees that something is up, so she wails. "That's 3, take 5." (Then you're supposed to isolate them for 5 minutes...or 1 minute per year of age) in a boring spot where they can't ruin anything. Maybe a hallway with nothing on the walls or even back in the car.

The screaming will happen for a while until your child realizes that it's not going to work. She's still a bit young, though, so be sure to stay where she can see you, but make it look as though you're busy with something else and enjoying it. She has to see that her behavior bothers HER more than you.

Is it attachment related? Probably not if this is only the second time she has done it. However, your "honeymoon" period could be over, too, and now she's showing her mistrusting, anxious personality.

Good luck!

P.S. Take this with a grain of salt as attachment disordered kids WANT isolation. If she acts out MORE and seems happy when isolated, then you'll know it's attachment disorder.

[BD2884]

Hi All:

Just wanted to let you know that I deal with RAD 24/7 and not all attachment disordered kids want isolation. I have come to believe that RAD appears to be a spectrum disorder and that they can be at either end or anywhere in the middle. Some have anxious attachment and many times are "stuck" in the behaviors that served them well in the past but no longer work in a family setting. But, they honestly want to be loved--somewhere in their core being--but havent learned how to act, feel, or express themselves or even trust us to take care of them without reverting to their earlier behaviors. My son prefers to be with me--and would prefer to have me hold him or be near me--even when he is screaming, tantruming, etc. He tells me he wants to be alone but he doesnt leave.

So, I am not trying to be an alarmist but wanted to let you all know that attachment disorder can look somewhat different in different children.

Bari

[mom2GRLC]

I've been through many many tantrums like that with my daughter. (started when she was around 1 1/2 and still conitnues till this day (she's almost 4) but the frequency is definately becoming less and less.

I've learned that my daughter gets to frustrated to quickly. The littlest things will set her off. Mostly when she is tired, doesn't feel well or hungry. But it happens other times as well when she is just overstimulated. She doesn't handle her emotions well...going from one extreme to the other at times.

Partly because of age, and also partly because of drug exposure and all she has had to deal with in her young life. And of course...i take responcibilty as well, always trying to make her happy(to a fault).

The only thing that works for me when she gets to this point is to either do Time-out or time-in. either isolation, or holding her through the tantrum till she finally give up and is reasonable and ready to talk about what has happend. Sometimes it lasts over an hour =0( other times she comes around much quicker.

I just wanted you to know your not alone. Both times you described she was in a big crowded place (probably a mix of a bunch of things but mostly overstimulation).

[mom2GRLC]

Also, try not to make the punishment so severe. Maybe tell her she will do time-out or time-in for so many minutes and when she is done she can go back to playing or see shamu...etc.(of course time-oput doesn't start till she's quiet so that may mean an hour of hearing her scream).

Sometimes kids really just get overstimulated. Going to the car and crying her eyes out might help get rid of all that anxiety and frustration. Having a time where you can just hold her after the episode and talk to her calmly and lovingly....may be exactly what she needed. Afterwards she will likely feel better and behave better.

I've heard a temper tantrum shouldn't be given attention (positive or negative),that while it may drive you crazy, having it not inturupt your day and plans is the best way to show that you are in control and her actions will not get her what she wants. I know it is harder said than done, but I have found that it is true. Yes, you had to keep your word and there were consequences to her behavior....but you choose what those consequences are....it doesn't have to be an all or nothing(you behave..we stay...you throw a fit we leave).

She may have said she wanted to see Shamu....but her actions suggested otherwise...she was too overwhelmed to know what she wanted or behave in the appropriate manor for what she wanted.