[Tudu]

I am wondering if anyone has any experience in post adoption visits with the parents when adopting through fostercare. The children are very bonded with them and the parents have not been abusive or intentionally neglectful in any way. The children have bonded with their current foster parents and after the 30 day appeal time will be placed with us for adoption. This is a special situation and DFCS is interested in some sort of visitation. We are thrilled, we had hoped to find someone for the children we adopted to continue a relationship with, but never thought it would be the parents.
I am wondering how this will effect our bonding with the children. I have recently found another member doing a step down type visitation, this sounds much better than what was suggested. Our worker suggested no visitation for a while so the children will bond with us and later occasional visitation. What do you think? Will either of these work? What should we consider when making this decision. Letters are not possible, the parents do not read or write.

[Jensboys]

I am not going to comment on the visits, as we are not in that situation and I can see pros and cons to both sides, but as far as letter contact - we also have sent tapes as there is some question about our boys bmom's level of literacy.

You can send a video or an audio tape -- and even a walkman to listen to it if you wanted to. So audio Letters ARE an option .

We did do visits with foster parents after transitioning our boys into our home, but we did wait several months before that first one. In the mean time we did phone calls and letters. Alot depends on how support bparents will be of the placement with you -- if they are verbally supportive to the kids then visits could work very well, if they are not, it could be a detriment to attachment.

Jen

[hotspice58]

I will have that when the adoption is finalized. Bmom suffers from depression but wasn't mean. My ds sees and talks to his bmom as does his brother who I'm also adopting. My first placement was 2 sisters, a 10 yo and a 5 yo. There were 5 siblings and a placement was found for all 5 kids. In the beginning, we were allowed to stay in touch but after a couple of weeks, cw called and said new foster mom was complaining that the 2 girls weren't bonding with her and we couldn't stay in touch.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

The best piece of advice I have received is that it is easier to open doors later than to close ones that are already wide open. I got this from both our CW and the boy's doctor. It seems to be working for us at this point, and if everything "feels" better in the future, we can go from there. I would just be cautious. If the parents rights are terminated, there must be a reason. I would also wait until you have read the case file before making any promises to the parents.

[Tudu]

Jen - I love the idea of video, I had not thought of that.

Hotspice - I am glad to hear someone else is doing this. Have you worked out a scheldule or what is your plan.

Bug&Bear - In our situation, it has been said over and over that the parents are not a negative influence and the reason the children were removed was beyond their control. They have several issues , but the main one seems to be the fact they are illiterate. It has caused issues with medication and nearly killed one of the chidren. I agree I will be cautious, I am just trying to see as many sides to this as I can.

Thank you so much!

[desperatemom]

I can only share our experience... We adopted 2 girls (seperately), we did not agree to forced visitation. What we agreed to was to support the child if she wants to meet / visit in the future when they are older and more able to understand.. I think it would be confusing for the children and may cause them more harm. Then again I don't know the situation, In a nut shell... You and your family do what every you are willing to live with until the children are of age and don't let anyone push you otherwise. When the adoption is final they disapear and you have to live with what you agreed to and so do your children. We had a little pressure (and getting more from sw of #3), for visits.. We just said "we would support the childs choice when they are old enough to understand it and request it".. My opion,.. don't agree to forcing a child to visit.. they may not want to down the road after you all have bonded, then again you may not want them too.. all is best left without major comitments this way you can act in the best interest of the child with out being held in contempt. We send a small photo album and a lengthy letter 2x a year and we also send a 30 minute video once a year. Please keep in mind we do love out bmoms and have good relations with them.. we just want to let our children have a say... My 2nd daughter would not handle a visit well and if we had to force her it would do her severe mental harm... Just to keep in mind. My 1st daughter ( no problem).. Hope I was able to help.

[rindava]

parents are mentally retarded, then a very open adoption would be a great idea.....

If the parents just couldn't read and were able to learn, why on earth didn't someone teach them?

SO, I am figuring you must be talked mental retardation or severe LD or something.....

If that is the case, I think visits, etc... would be a great idea....

If they've fried their brains on drugs or something, once again a total different story....

[mom2GRLC]

We have continued contact with our daughter birthfamily and it has been a blessing, but also full of much confusion and mixed feelings for everyone.

I would NEVER agree to "legally binding contact", With my experience I think it is better to just do what you feel is best at the time. I would hate to be stuck in a position where I couldn't say no....even when I felt it was best for my child and my family.

I do agree they should do a step down type thing before you get the kids and once you get them, there should be a period of time(maybe 6 months) where their is no direct contact with the child. The child needs to know you are the parents and to build a relationship with you. Adding the birthfamily into the pictuire at this point would IMO slow that down for you and your child. Once you have established that sense of permanence for your kids adding contact slowely will help develope the NEW relationship you all have with each other. It will also give the birthfamily some time to take everything all in and find acceptance in the loss they've experienced.