[leca]

I am in tears. I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take. I guess I really don't have any choice. I have to sub this afternoon. I am going to try to call my pastor later this morning. Why I don't know. No one can really do anything for me but pray. I guess not only pray for me but pray for Christin. She is the one who really needs the prayers. This child is so hurt and so lost. I don't know if she will EVER be reachable. Most of you know my story. Most of you know Christin has reactive attachment disorder due to her life in foster care.

Well last week she was caught stealing $25.00 from a friend's house. Now just last night she was caught stealing gatorade from the school vending machine. One of these times the police are going to be involved and there is going to be nothing we can do. She is only 10 but still. This is a child who STILL thinks after 3 years we may still "give her back", this is a child who thinks she is "bad" or why else would her birth mom have done this, why else would the first adoptive family have given her back.

I told her last night she is only hurting herself. That we are going to love her no matter what she does and that is succeeding in hurting us yes but she is NOT going to be able to make us stop loving her. That if she wants to hurt us over and over and this is what she is going to put out then we will just take it because we love her. I told her nothing she does is going to prove she is "bad" to us because we have unconditional love for her and that will NEVER change. I just wish she would get the message. My heart is just breaking for her and us.

[maddensmom]

I am so sorry leca.I am not very well versed about RAD or life with a 10 year old, but your post simply broke my heart. All of you deserve different. You'll get there...

[crick]

Leca - have you found an attachment therapist? I think if there is to be any hope at all, that needs to be your next step.

I also think it would help if you can either find a therapist for yourself or a support group. It's very hard I think for parents of RAD children to be beaten down all the time and to accept that some things might not ever change. That their child might not heal. To be in a group with other parents going through similar things might be helpful to you. Yes, you need to help your daughter and work on the attachment, but you also need to take care of you too.

[Peggy]

Get in touch with Social Services, and find out what type of post-adoptive services are available in your area. Does she have an IEP? She needs one. With an IEP, she can be placed in a therapeutic Day School. In addition she could qualify for a summer program to help with socialization.
My daughter is 12 and is attending a therapeutic Day School.(funded by her school district). Also many of the therapeutic schools work with Social Services. My daughter is also in a therapeutic after school program, that I was able to get her into through Post-Adoptive Services. My daughter ran rings around her therapist for over 3 years with no improvement. She is still not completely healed, but learning, and in an environment with adults that understand her needs and issues.
I have experienced many of the things you have, and I know how hard it can be. Finding the right school, and accessing post-adoptive services is not easy, but has been a life saver. For the first time my daughter has realized that therapy is designed to help her feel better, and that it is not healthy to hold on to all of her pain.

[lucyjoy]

Sounds like you could use a break. Anybody that can do respite for you?

I have a 14 year old who steals anything that's not nailed down(and give him a hammer and he'll take that, too)He also believes that his family will just disappear if he does the wrong thing(or lets me out of his sight for too long)

I know you have heard this and you know this-Your daughters behavior is not about you. It isn't even really about hurting you-though it does. Stealing is a symptom of the illness and the attachment has to heal before that will leave her. Sadly, for many kids, that takes years and for a few, it never does happen. It is overwhelmingly sad to see our children suffer inside themselves and not let anyone comfort them.

Because you're child has RAD, it might be best to not let it show to her that her behavior hurts you. She can't take that in. The consequence for the behavior needs to affect her enough to make her want to change. And due to her RAD, her cause and effect thinking is impaired, so it will take more time for her to make the connection then it would a healthy child. She owes restitution for the things she's stolen. She may need to lose some freedom as you need to be near her to help her make decisions that she isn't doing for herself.

Another thing I'd caution-RAD kids need parents to prove they mean what they say. So I never tell my kids that I will love them no matter what. I do love them, but I don't want to see what they will come up with to try to prove they can stop me from loving them. I have told them that I can love them here, or I can love them in jail, which ever they choose. I and have told them that I will love them on their best and on their worst days. I'm just careful how I phrase things so as not to make it a challenge.

Hang in there. Find some people that love you to talk to or laugh with to fill up the emptiness from pouring so much into your child's empty heart. You don't have to do this alone.

[angelkisses0102]

HUGS to you....my son is only a toddler but suffers from attachment struggles. After almost 2 years he too still thinks we are going to leave him. Or if I leave the room...I may not come back. It is so so hard...but you need to get a break...for you. I know sometimes just 5 minutes is all I need.

I am so sorry you are struggling thru this...it is so hard when no matter what we do, they simply don't or can't accept that we do indeed love them...forever.

So, I will pray for you and her and all of us...may today have a great big bright moment in it for you and her.

[sirky]

Leca.

I don't know that I have any right to be writing you - I don't have any appropraite advice, except to say that

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE PERFECTLY ATTENTIVE ALL THE TIME!

Not that I listen to my own advice, I wrote not to long ago myself that I was done, and the only thing, the ONLY thing that helped was to write on this forum and to read the replies.

It didn't help a whole lot, I still get mad, but it is nice to know that it is hard for everyone. After reading book after book that all stress the same things - be patient, kind, loving, dont react, do give in to frustration, blah, blah, blah. Its all great advice, but hard, no impossible, to live up to 100% of the time.

I really remind myself everyday, and often every moment of every day - "to fake it til i make it", sort of a mantra. WHen my little one is being manipulative (lovey, dovey, fluttering her eyelashes "am I supposed to be sitting on the cat?", sort of behavior), I say patiently "no", or doing somthing that I told her 15 seconds - YES 15 SECONDS ago to NOT do, I really try to fake it that I am only disapointed not seething and raging!

So I do understand your feelings, I dont want to love, cuddle, hug and snuggle with a being (is she human? lol) who is one second kicking me in the head, the next bringing me a special rock she found and wanting candy in return!

Well good luck with all your problems - Iam she mine will be there in a few years