[Lorraine123]

I have never met anyone that I have loved so much and hated so much at the same time. I know it sounds harsh but it is true. There are days when I just look at her and the demonds inside her and I throw my arms up and say screw it. At the same time I am screaming from my heart I love you let me in, just give me a chance you woun't be sorry.

Oh my gosh, this made me cry. Its so true. I have been in tears before and looked my daughter in the eye and said "just give me a chance you won't be sorry". Of course she didn't give me a chance. And I don't think she is sorry. Its hurts worse than anything. We as RAD parents have to live one day at time. One time I was feeling defeated and told my husband that I was a failure as a parent. He said "No you aren't. You made it through today with everyone in tact." Some days, success is as simple as that - making it through the day.

[sirky]

Hi everyone!

I wanted to give you an update that I feel is quite significant.

B has show the first sign of guilty feelings that I have ever seen from her. In the previous year that we have had her she would just get the "blank-faced look" when she was caught doing somthing that she was not supposed to do. Well yesterday I gave her the freedom of being able to play in her bedroom alone - basically she was allowed to leave to room I was in and go off on her own for the first time in weeks. Well about 20 min later I went to check on her and she was playing with the kittens - not allowed right now for her. So I called her over to me and she had that guilty look - a look I have never seen on her face before!

I was thrilled! Sick isn't it - to be thrilled your daughter feels guilty? Well I am! I feel wonderful and excited that she is at last showing signs of feeling!

Well thats it for now, maybe I ought to start a new post this one is getting a bit long winded - eh!

[Kindreds]

I have no experience with attachment issues, but thought a behavioral method might help.
Make a daily calender and create a reward (point system) the goal is to assign points and give her a reward at the end of the day for earning whatever number of points you decide upon (start low and work your way up. If she cooperates and does everything correctly, she would get 4 points for each part of the day. You would make sure she sees the points, and for a 4 year old it might be 4 stick on stars.
*morning routine (getting dressed, teeth cleaning et.)
*playtime
*Lunchtime
*afternoon playtime
*dinner
*evening routine (bath pajama's etc?)
*staying in bed at night

Her reward could be she gets to do something she really likes to do for a little bit longer, or she gets to pick what she wants to eat for lunch. You may have to do this with all the kids.

You may also want to make sure she gets some outdoor play in the late afternoon right before dinner - fresh air, sunshine and excercise really does helpt kids sleep better at night.

[lucyjoy]

While rewards systems can be really good tools for some kids, they tend to not work well with kids with attachment disorders. They tend to sabatoge themselves and not deal with the pressure well. They often use the reward system to drive their parents crazy instead-proving they can do it but you can't make them.

[Lorraine123]

Reward charts do not work for attachment disordered children. They do not want to comply and will use it as a manipulation tool. In my daughter's case, I'm not sure if her cause and effect thinking is good enough to fully understand that the stars on the chart are a result of her behavior. She would probably think the lack of stars is because I'm mean.

[sirky]

Yes, we have tried the reward system, and it was not a success at all. It was recommened by a social worker when we first moved the kids in with us, and while it would work with her older brother, B was absolutely unaffected by it.


She also does not do well with compliments and encouragement. Simple words like "good job" throw her for a loop and she gets that blaank look. I have to be especially carefeul with this. It is how I raised my bio d and it is a problem for B to hear those words, it is very hard to curtail rewards - I like to do it and my bio D responded/responds beautifully. I would love to be able to do the same with B but she just wont have it. Often times rewarding her and encouraging her sends her into a tailspin of inappropriate behavior. So I have to often even "ignore her good behaviors", that really hurts.

[radblog]

Sirky,

I learned you make it by taking one day at a time. One long, hard, never-ending day at a time... and one day, you will realize you are coming down the home stretch.

My daughter ws 21 months when she arrived. She wore her pout like a crown of precious jewels... for 16 years. Every summer we would find SOME respite to give us a break from her never-ending attitude. She missed Disney World, cruises, and countless family outings. She was not (and is not) fun to be around. She turned 18 a few weeks ago. As we recently moved and are building a home, we are temporarily residing in two duplexes, partly to house our furniture, but even more importantly... to house this child. She now lives NEXT DOOR, and while we pay the bills (for 6 more months until she finishes high school), she is responsible for herself in a big way. If she doesn't buy it, it doesn't appear in the fridge. If she doesn't clean it, it grows mold. If she isn't fun to be around, she doesn't get invited next door. It has been a rude awakening. She basically told me a couple of weeks ago that she realized her pout only affected her next door, so she decided to try and be happier so she can be around people.... HUH? Flip the switch? But who cares about the impact on the rest of us for 17 years? She is motivated to change ONLY because not changing affects ONLY HER.

We are now planning another family cruise... but she's not going. Too much money to spend on someone who still has no idea that other people occupy her world, and are impacted by her decisions. Besides, if all goes well, she will be in Navy boot camp!

You are absolutely not alone. And you don't get to choose your feelings... you only get to choose your reactions to your feelings. You don't wake up in the morning CHOOSING not to like your child...and you didn't get those feelings in a vacuum. You don't like her because she has much to do with that.... she makes many choices that contribute to that. By all means, cut yourself some slack. Find as much support as you can, find an attachment therapist, make time for yourself, and don't do things for your daughter that are PERKS... it only gives her the wrong message (I can be a jerk and still get perks) and it only feeds your resentment (I have to take her to McD's or swimming and she treats me like dirt!) If you wouldn't be motivated to take a neighbor kid somewhere who is fun to be around, why feel guilty about not providing a perk to a child who reaps the rewards of your support daily?

Hang in there!
nancy

[Guppy]

Nancy!!!!!!
I am extatic that you are here! WELCOME from your great fan!!!


(talk about obsessive, huh?)

[sirky]

Nancy,


Thank you very much - you are incredibly validating.

Sirky

[radblog]

Sirky, I'm glad you feel validated, that is the point. You are NOT alone, you didn't dream this up, and you are not a bad mom.

Guppy, thanks for the very enthusiastic welcome! Shall I buy an asbestos suit for my blog commentators? Or will you pinch hit for me?? I appreciate your responses!
Nancy

[Guppy]

Nancy,

I read your entire blog yesterday.

I am pretty fired up about taking part in conquering the RAD BEAST and so, I'll gladly do the punching, consequences or whatever it takes...