[DinPAis2adopt]

I really need some advice from you fellow Foster to Adopt Parents out there (or anyone else who wants to chime in your comments). Our family is in trouble, and we can’t figure out why.

First, a little bit of background. In the fall of 2003, my wife of 6 years and I decided to become Foster Parents. We went through the background checks, interviews, training, etc., and became licensed Foster Parents in November 2003. We waited patiently for a placement, even for respite, and kept waiting. We discussed our future, and in January 2004, decided to move ahead and adopt a child through SWAN instead. We went through all of the training, home study, checks, etc. for that, and became “approved” in May 2004. We were trying to get matched, and sent a letter to our Foster Care agency informing them that we had decided to resign from their agency as Foster Parents, explaining that we had decided to become adoptive parents instead. Suddenly, they had a placement for us… of a 10 year old boy who was being transitioned from Foster placement to having a goal of adoption.

We have (had) no other children of our own (except for the 4 pawed variety), and had planned on adopting a younger son… like 6 or 7 at the oldest. Our FC caseworker said that she thought we would be a perfect couple for the boy, and asked us to take him for the weekend. We said yes, and we fell in love with him right away. He moved in permanently with us 2 weeks later (in June 2004), and we thought we would have him as our son forever. He knew that he was being placed with us with the intention of us adopting him.

He is a wonderful boy, who has had a tough life. He was born in another country, to a poor, alcoholic set of parents. He was put in an orphanage as a baby. He was adopted by a family here in the US at the age of 4, who abused him physically and mentally. He was finally removed from them after 7 documented cases of abuse in January 2004, and put into Foster Care. These adoptive parents had told him what a failure he was, that they wasted their money on him, and that they were privately trying to find another home for him. He was in 2 Foster homes before coming to ours. He has been diagnosed with RAD, ADHD, ODD, and other medical problems.

He has progressed dramatically since being with us. His scholastic performance has improved… he is reading, writing, spelling, and performing math much better than when he first came to us. He has friends now. He has been very successful at organized sports. He is active with church activities. He eats better, he has grown taller by 4 inches, and gained weight. I could go on and on, but all of his doctors and caseworkers marvel at how well he has done since coming to live with us. They praise us at how well we are doing.

He seems to have “attached” somewhat. He has called us Mom and Dad since the first week. He says that he loves us without prompting. He gives hugs and kisses, likes to be cuddly, will look us straight in the eyes, and seems genuine.

Like any child, he sometimes makes bad choices, and gets consequences for the bad choice. Sometimes, he has stated that he does not belong here, or wants to go live somewhere else, but always snaps out of it.

This past Thursday night, he got in trouble for stealing an ice cream sandwich and lying about it. (I know lying and stealing are typical RAD symptoms) He got quite upset, and stated that he didn’t want to live here anymore. We reassured him, and it seemed to pass. Friday was a great day. Saturday was a great day, right up until he purposefully hit an old man in the back with his football. He flipped out. He said he doesn’t know why he has to live with us, he will call his caseworker and tell her he wants to move. He said “It’s time to move on”. After 2 hours of us crying and begging, he said he would give us his decision in the morning. Sure enough, he decided to stay, Sunday was a pretty good day, but we could tell he was distancing himself from us somewhat. Monday, he got fussed at for his bad attitude, and yes, he flipped out again. He said he’s sure that he’s leaving now.

We and he spoke to his therapist (Not a RAD specialist… just a therapist that he does play therapy with) - and they came up with that he knows that we are disappointed when he makes bad choices, and is afraid that we will ask him to leave. Everyone else in his life has given up on him, but we have not. We repeatedly tell him how that’s not an option. His caseworker came the next night, and after him telling us that he had decided to stay an hour before she was due to arrive, he told her he wanted to go. Flip flop, flip flop. It’s like he doesn’t know.

He cannot come up with a reason WHY he wants to leave, just that he does. He once during this agreed to stay, but an hour later told us that it was just because he didn’t want to break our hearts and us not have a son.

He says that he will miss us. He says that he loves us.

He has gone from he will “try out” a new family, and come back if he doesn’t like them, to now he says he knows that he will be leaving forever.

We are so heartbroken! We are having such a hard time just making it through today! We are waiting for the caseworkers to get back to us to see what is going to happen.

Pray for us. Please share any comments or ideas you may have.

Sorry this was so long!

Sincerely,

[kfander]

One of the characteristics of reactive attachment disorder is that a child may "appear" to attach too readily to adults whom he doesn't know yet.

Children with RAD are often over-affectionate and cuddly with strangers, and those whom they intend to manipulate.

My nephew was hanging all over me for the first few weeks that he was with us. Although he wasn't yet diagnosed with RAD, I thought that strange, since we had met only a couple of times before he came to live with us.

This "honeymoon period" lasted less than a month, however. Once he began to "accept" that I was going to be parenting him, I became the enemy.

This is where the struggle begins. If you are what anyone might consider to be a "good parent," the urges to attach (if they can really be called that) that the child feels will be scary to him, as it threatens his need to be detached and in control. Given the choice, I suspect that most kids with RAD will run from it.

One of the troubles with fostering children with reactive attachment disorder is that it's far too easy for them to run.

[lucyjoy]

For starters, the child has way too much control for a child with RAD. He's in the wrong therapy and cannot get better without the right therapy. You didn't do anything wrong here. One of my most severe kids told me he liked moving from home to home and often lied to caseworkers about abuse in order to do so. He said new homes were easier as the expectations were lower. He'd move to a new place, get new toys, have only a few rules etc. When expectations that he follow the rules increased and the new toys were broken, he was ready to move on. The families meant nothing to him as he couldn't let them in. They were just part of his means of survival.

This boys case worker should not let him move just because he feels like it. Ten year old boys should not be making decisions like this. If you were beating him or he was afraid of you-those are good reasons to move. Just because he's expected to follow rules is not a good reason to move.

It is common for kids that are hard to place to land in untrained or new homes-usually because the caseworker has run out of options. It's very unfair to the parents.
It hurts when kids say they want to leave, especially first kids. Rather then beg them, it's often good to plan ahead. Tell them-if that's what you need to do. or ask-how will that help you? or "If you move everytime you don't get your way, will you just never have a family?
Have them write out for the caseworker just what kind of family they want. These kids do expect to get kicked out and so they try to hurt you before you hurt them. It's a sad cycle. If this child were seeing a good attachment therapist, they could explain this to the worker and a plan could be made to help this child be successful in a home.

So sorry you are having to go through this. I assure you, this has nothing to do with you or anything you've done. It is part of this little boys illness.

[Dr. Art]

Lucyjoy is right on target here.

As a professional in the field, I am horrified that the caseworker and agency are giving him so much say so. That is bad for him in the long run as it reinforces his false sense that he can only rely on himself and cannot /should not trust anyone.

You are on the right track here. You really must be an appropriate therapist. Play therapy is ineffective with such children...worse it is bad treatment. I'd look for a therapist in your area who is a registered clinician on the website www.attach.org Such a person will have the right training and experience to help you help this child learn (experientially) how to live in a family, love, and be loved.

regards

[DinPAis2adopt]

Thanks for the replies.

Dr Art, I have attended one of your training sessions at the SWAN annual conference in July 2004. If you heard about the kid that called 911 for the fire dept., yes, that was my son.

Your session, along with the 3 others I attended about RAD/AT were very helpful. I only wish that my son's caseworkers would have attended them as well!

We have been asking for the proper help with an actual Attachment certified therapist for a year. The system is broken... they refuse to get him the proper treatment. We have seen numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists, but to no avail.

We took our son to the best hospital in the mid region of PA last week, where 5 different psychiatrists spoke to him. He had threatened suicide numerous times, but they would not admit him to the hospital.

I hate to say this, but my wife and I are at the point of giving up. We have uprooted and completely changed our lives for the last 13 months, and all to no avail. He will be moving out as soon as the agencies find him another home (just so he can charm them, manipulate them, and then "move on" again).

We have made it clear to them that if they can get the proper services for him (Which at least one of the sensible doctors agreed long ago that it would be the best option for him - a residential treatment center like the ones in Colorado), we would continue on. However, it's just not in their funding, so he will get his wish of moving again.

Pray for us that a miracle may happen.

[Dr. Art]

Before and RTC or shipping him off the Colorado, it would be much better to try weekly attachment-based therapy, such as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherpay, which is an evidence-based effective approach. If that did not work, then consider and RTC. I've found that most of the time weekly or bi-weekly treatment works just fine. But you do need the properly trained therapist. If you are going the NACAC annual meeting in Pittsburg, I will be there presenting...maybe I'll see you there.

regards