[mrbeansmom]

Dr. Art, I really need your input! Almost 16 months ago we were placed with three siblings for adoption in a concurrent planning situation. One sib, the oldest, had Down syndrome and has since returned to his father (different father than the other two). The other two are now 15 months and just over 2 years. They are extremely close. The 2 year old had been suspected of having attachment disorder as we were her 7th placement in 8 months. She would not allow any of us to touch or hug her or anything and she is abusive to our pets. Her baby brother is the first person she ever hugged. They share a bedroom and always have. He worships the ground she walks on and she looks out for him like a mother hen. They are extremely close.

Social Services has chosen to send the baby back to his birth parents, who are not together. They share visits for now, but will soon begin unsupervised separate visits. They have 3 months to get him back before the 18 month hearing and his caseworker is more than determined to get him back to them. They have completed their drug rehab, and even though the court terminated parental rights on the 2 year old and sent the 3 year old to his father (along with a few other of this woman's children), they have determined that she can have the baby back. I should add that they have sent him back from supervised visits in severely ill shape and with toys that could choke him or poison him, but the courts simply do not care. They literally were not concerned.

My question for you is how are we ever going to live through this? What on earth is this going to do to this baby boy who believes we are his mama and papa and all of our other children are his siblings? What will he do without his birth sister, whom he's spent his whole life with? What will she do without him when she's used to him being part of her whole day every day? How will we ever explain to her where hewent and how her folks got him back, but not her?

This situation is nothing short of devestating to us all and I don't even know how to begin to heal from it. I am heartbroken beyond words. What is wrong with these courts that they can disrupt children's lives like this?!

[tlc4kidz]

(((((mrbeansmom)))))
I have absolutely nothing to offer but support. Reading your post made me feel sick. Our 2 are 14 months (boy) and just over 2 (girl) and I don't know what they would do without each other either. We were "forced" to take the youngest.....THANK GOD. At the time we had no idea how strong sib bonds could be.

I am praying for a miracle for you......why is our system so broken ?!

[mrbeansmom]

Thnak you so much, Dana. I can tell that you probably have a good idea of what we're going through. I have researched the Internet night and day and it seems to me that, according to federal law, this court is not following the rules. The attorneys tend to dismiss my concerns by saying that the judge holds all the cards, but who holds the judges accountable? Someone got together and made these laws and, most likely, it was for kids like ours. How then, do they get away with not upholding them? I just don't get it. I hold Dr. Art replies someday about my concersn for what these children will go through as it's not looking good right now. I am a BIG believer in prayer and I thank you for yours. This isn't over yet and I choose to have faith that thes two will get to stay together. I'm just praying that our miracle comes through soon as it's taking such a toll on the whole family.

[tlc4kidz]

One thing I did think of....do the kids have a CASA or if not, how involved is the guardian? Can you contact them directly with your concerns? The guardian was a huge advocate for our 2....even stood in front of the judge and requested no visitation for the youngest as they did not believe any sort of bond would be in his best interest. I'm not sure I agreed, as I don't think as sporadic as the visits were at that point they were harmful or confusing to him, but we did notice he seemed much calmer and attached to us once the visits ended.

You'll get through all of this somehow....I know another family in a similar situation to yours, only they finalized on the youngest and were trying to send the 2 year old home. The closer things got to RU, the more things started falling apart. I would never hope for a birthparent to fail, and we supported our kids bps to the end (and still do through prayer), but it sounds like your kids birthmom needs more time to become stable, and with the loss of so many other children it would be tragic to put this baby at risk.

[mrbeansmom]

Actually, the kids do have a CASA and I e-mail the baby's attorney all the time. We speak on the phone now and again too. We also have an attorney of our own as the parents were accusing us of interfering with RU. The baby's attorney and the CASA both filed reports at the 12 month stating that they believed it was in the baby's best interest to stay with his sister and with us as he is so closely bonded to al of us since he's lived here all 16 months of his life. Nothing about it was mentioned in court and the judge apparently didn't think much of it. The baby's attorney is a very nice man, but has no teeth what-so-ever. He basically rolled over and said that the parents had done their drug recovery programs so we really had no legal leg to stand on. Whatever happened to the child's best interest? Why is it only about the parents?

[Dr. Art]

Certainly, if the children are attached to you, then such a change will not be in their interests. You might consider getting your own, independent assessment of the children's attachment to you. (see www.attach.org for a registered clinician near you.). Generally, once a child forms a healthy and secure attachment, it can be transfered to others; although the child will experience the grief associated with that loss. If the birth family has received treatment and is able to appropriately paraent, the children will do fine. If the birth parents are still as they were when the children were removed,then the children will experience further trauma and a deepening of any attachment difficulties they have.