[mjoseph]

Hi all,

I am hoping you will hang with me because this may be a little lengthy but I don't know what else to do to get advice. I know that the adoption boards are full of great resources and wonderful people. A very close friend of mine and her family are going through hell right now. Here is the background.

My friend's family adopted her cousin when she was 3 years old. The little girl, we will call her Amy, had been living with her mother who pretty much lived out of a car, here and there, etc...She was always drunk, very neglectful, etc..There is no telling what this child went through during her 1st three years but she was in very poor care and conditions. Sexual/physical abuse was highly suspected. Her mother abandoned her at her sisters home. They pretty much called my friend's family and said if they didn't take her then they would turn her over to the state. So they came right away and took her (out of state to where they live) and adopted her. They have had her since that time which was 3 years old.

She has exhibited problems but it wasn't until a few years ago that things got really severe, when "Amy" turned 13. She became a habitual liar, kept running away, became extremely manipulative, had no remorse or concern for her behaviors, etc...Her parents have done everything. She has been in and out of treatment facilities. Their insurance only allows 45 days and then they release her. She then runs away and the cycle starts all over again. She has been in therapy, been diagnosed with everything from depression to borderline disorder to bipolar. None of the meds or therapy has helped changed any of the behavior. Her behavior, etc.. seems very much like that of a child with an attachment disorder or even RAD. Out of a questionarre done from an attachment order website here are the things that are common in her behavior.

1. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children. N
2. My child can't keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time. Y
3. My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort. Y
4. My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging. Y
5. My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things. Y
6. My child has a large need to control everything. Y
7. My child is hyper-vigilant. Y
8. My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't really bad or a problem when caught doing something wrong. Y
9. My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt. Y
10. My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other's things. N – can’t really tell if she is completely careless or breaks or ruins things on purpose. When something of this nature happens, her standard response is ‘oh well, I didn’t mean to.’
11. My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong. Y
12. My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do. Y
13. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals. N
14. My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things. Y
15. My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked. Y
16. My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences). Y
17. My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic necessities. Y
18. My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort. Y
19. My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things. Y
20. My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth. Y
21. My child is quite bossy with other children and adults. N
22. My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.) N
23. My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child. Y
24. My child has extended temper tantrums. N
25. My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking. Y
26. My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention). Y
27. My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants. Y
28. My child is overly friendly with strangers. Y
29. My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire. N
30. My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this). Y
31. My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life. Y
32. My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life. N
33. My child was adopted after the age of twelve months. Y

"Amy" ran away from home again in January and my friends family has just now found her about a week ago. She was admitted back into the hospital. She had been living with her "boyfriend" and his grandmother all these months and was angry at being found. Since she was admitted into the hospital she has since accused her brother (my friend's brother) of sexually abusing her and her dad of beating her. These accusations are completely false. She is doing anything she can to push away from the family. The brother has been away in the army and isn't even living at home and her father had only raised his hand to her 1 time in the 13 years he has had her. Her psychiatrist wants her admitted into a long term theraputic facility which insurance doesn't cover and they cannot afford. They don't know what to do. No one wants to see anyone else in the family's life get ruined. They cannot afford the care she needs and have appealed over and over with insurance and have lost numerous times. They love her and want her to get well but so far nothing has helped. I gave them information on attachment disorders and they were shocked at how much what they read sounded just like "Amy" but the therapists she is seeing are not experienced in any of that.

Does anyone have any advice at all? They are all at their wits end and hurting terribly. Anything at all would be most appreciated.

[rindava]

and ask for help...they can request a child in need of services hearing through the courts....some people have had luck working with truant officers, or going through their local mental health community services board, and even some are able to get services through school system...

many locations have run away programs and help parents get help for children....many states run adoption perservation programs...

a good starting point is the police and social services.....running away is against the law.....social services is supposed to also see that children are being cared for....

None of it is too easy.....

also, if her problems are severe enough, she had an IEP at school, etc.... and their income is low enough she may be able to get on SSI (long process...she really has to have mental retardation or a severe mental illness) and they can get medicaid through that which can cover RTC....