[mysterybks]

We are hoping to adopt. We have a 14 year old bio daughter. The girl we are considering to adopt is 12 1/2 almost 13. She has attachment issues. we don't know much about attachment issues.

I know she is controlling and wants to be the center of attention. Uses crying and whining or sleeping.

Can anyone give us any information to help us with our decision.

Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

Talk to her former foster parents to find out what they've observed.

Look at www.radzebra.org www.attachment.org

Has she actually been evaluated by a qualified attachment specialist? They should be able to give you an idea of how werious the issues are.

Attachment issues in a 13 year old are not something I would brush off as minor without some serious investigation. Where was she the first 3 years of life and how was her care? How many moves? What reasons were given for the moves?

These things all affect the level to which she may suffer from attachment problems.

[mysterybks]

Thanks.

Yes, she's been evaluated. She's under the care of an attachment specialist therapist. Unfortunately the county wants a decision from us long before we get to meet or talk to anyone associated with her. We got paperwork to read. That's it. We can ask more questions, too.

She has been in care 7 years. She had a very rough first 5 years.

Thanks for the info.

[Howdy]

If it were me I'd ask how serious the attachment problems are, if she has killed any animals, set any fires, tried to poison anyone, or made false accusations against caregivers in previous homes.

Have you read Can This Child Be Saved? It is a book that is very scary, about kids with attachment disorders, some of whom kill their parents and stuff like that. We've had bad experience with RAD in our family, my cousin had RAD and terrorized his parents and sister until he finally turned 18 and was sent to prison for other crimes. He doesn't seem so bad now that he is in his 30's, but that is a long time to wait for a relationship with a child. Also, my sister was raped and murdered by her brother-in-law's foster son. I don't know what his diagnoses would have been (this happened about 20 years ago), but RAD seems like a likely one. He's in prison now for killing someone else.

If you are not familiar with attachment issues, I hope you have some time to read up on them before you make a decision. A few positive books are Building the Bonds of Attachment, and books/tapes by Nancy Thomas.

Personally I am not willing to take a child with serious attachment problems. I haven't found a child that I get to adopt yet, but I've had two 7 yr old Legal Risk foster daughters, and they both had lots of ability to attach, they were really fun kids (after some less wonderful adjustment periods with tantrums, defiance, etc.), also both were kind and loving to animals.

[mysterybks]

Thanks.

She hasn't set any fires or injured any animals. She has not hurt anyone either. Her biggest issues are manipulation of people and circumstances. She wants attention. We have read 2 years of her therapy treatments (the most recent 2 years). So we know some of what is happening with her.

I really appreciate everyone's input.

[lucyjoy]

RED FLAG-they need a decision before you can talk to anyone? If they have another placement for her ready, let her go. How can you make a life altering decision without any info?

Look in the files for things like multiple moves and look closely at the reasons for removal. Any patterns?

Any notes or phone call records from foster parent concerns or complaints? What were they?

The really big concern with manipulation for attention is the risk of false abuse allegations. Manipulative kids can be very convincing to unknowing people. She likely will act one way with you and another with other people and you end up looking like the bad guy. I would bet this will not be an easy child to raise.
Being prepared is the best way to approach this if it's what you choose to do.

[Dr. Art]

First, I am so sorry that you are being put in this position; wanting a child and being manipulated in such a cruel manner.

Lucyjoy is right...lots of red flags. What the county is doing is UNETHICAL and goes against sound clinical practice. If I knew which county you were speaking of and the worker's name I'd (me) file a grievance with the National Association of Social Workers for a violation of ethics (I'm not suggesting that you do that...I'm just saying what I would do). They should be giving you copies of all her pervious records and evaluations to read and see. You should check with the therapist and talk with that person...you should also see if the therapist is a Registered Clinician with ATTACh to be sure the person is really competant and appropriate.

regards

[mysterybks]

Thank you everyone.

We have decided to say no.

I just want to make sure I didn't mislead you. We are just deciding if we want to be included in the staffing for her. If we had said yes and were selected, they would have given us her whole file. I'm sure if we had any additional concerns at that point, they probably would have let us talk to people. We just aren't that far along in this process.

Dawn

[mysterybks]

Hi,

Talked to our cw today. She didn't like that we wanted to say no. She wants us to talk to the therapist and foster parents as well as a local lady who adopted a similar girl. I'm going to start with the local lady. Then we'll see if we are interested enough to talk to the foster parents, etc. I'll let you know what happens.

Dawn

[Late Bloomer]

... glad to hear you're not rushing into it but doing the homework first. Keep us posted!
L.B.