[xhw1]

Although I am not new to adoptionforums.com, we are new the attachment disorders section of the website.

Greetings everyone!

I am hoping someone out there can help us. We are so lost as new parents. December 10th we arrived home from Guatemala with our one year old son Nic. As far as we know he has been in foster care with the same person for a year. Nothing of what the foster mother has said seems to be true, in fact we are finding that the situation may have been much less than ideal, rather neglectful, etc. Right now we are struggling with what I believe to be attachment issues. Anyone have any insight on these things?

He does not want to be held at all, or fed by us.
His eye contact is very limited with us.
He gets angry quickly.
He doesn't like to be put down to sleep, and will rock and mumble vigorously for about five to ten minutes.
Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night for about two hours just mumbling ma-ma (who he does not know as me), not sure if he is really awake. Happens between 12 and 5am.
He is so exhausted from the lack of sleep at night.
Does not under any circumstances like to be on his back, changing is very difficult.
Will not let us cradle him.

The list goes on. Where can I seek help? My husband and I feel like complete failures at parenting. Where can we learn how to handle our situation? We have contacted local attachment professionals and they tell us things that we are unsure if they are the correct answers to our situation.

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

[Jensboys]

Hi There! Congrats on your new son!

I am Jen, the mom of 4 boys and thought I would take a minute to address some of the things you mention. Take what you want from my message and leave the rest, OK?

Firstly, I am REALLY REALLY Sorry this is your first parenting experience ... I know from reading the Guat Adopt boards here how long and gruesome the wait is for you kids and how excited you must have been to have him home. So my advice to you FIRST, is allow yourself to grieve the loss of your expectations of parenting your son right now. Do it SEPARATE from your son ... so that you dont begin to resent HIM for screwing up your "ideals" but allow yourself to feel that sadness without feeling guilty. Some suggestions ... Write a letter expressing to God or whomever what you dreamed about and how reality right now isnt matching that ... write out your thoughts, hopes and emotions ... then let them go.

Secondly, Face the REALITY of where your son is at. I think that you are doing that by reaching out for help and finding resources. Educate yourself --- realize that he isnt a new baby but is, in reality a toddler. READ "Toddler ADoption - A Weaver's Craft" --- its excellent and worth the time!

Thirdly, understand that children grieve VERY differently than adults. Your son (as did mine) may be expressing symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD may be caused by abuse or neglect as you suspect, or it may be caused by the deep trauma of losing his "mom" (foster mom). He may be so traumatized by events in his past or that loss and he needs you to "unstick" him. Some kids just are more sensitive ... which is a wonderful characteristic, but very sad for him now! How you can do that is RESPOND RESPOND RESPOND ... even when your skin crawls to touch him again (and those emotions are normal as long as you get passed them and dont allow them to control your actions) or you would rather walk away than try to hug him again etc....

If he is upset during the night - sleep with him. Now, trust me, I am not a big family bed person, but for the first weeks that our sons were home, they slept beside us either in bed or on the floor in a sleeping bag. That way you can be THERE for him, without disturbing your sleep too much.

Fourthly, if you can imagine in your head his EMOTIONAL age rather than his practical age ... it might help you to respond appropriately. He is only ONE ... he NEEDS to be fed, he NEEDS to be cuddled, he NEEDS to know who his mommy is ... in the same way you wouldnt NOT respond to a colicky baby (who is again not the IDEAL parenting experience!)

Fifthly - he needs YOU most in the world right now. Even more than Daddy or Grandma or anyone else. DONT LEAVE HIM for a few months while he is awake or may wake up ... you become his source for EVERYTHING. He wants to eat ... he eats on your lap, he wants to be changed, mommy changes him (ok dad can help sometimes) ... he baths, mommy jumps in with him. He wants a toy, mommy gets it and plays too. He wants to be alone in his crib, look ... there is a picture of mommy hanging there. Yes you will feel like your brain is melting but in the end it is WORTH it!!!

[Dr. Art]

Dear xhw1,

I'm glad we had a chance to chat on the phone earlier today. I do think the advice so far you've gotten here is fine. It does appear your child is struggling and you will need to use some more intensive parenting strategies to help him adjust, adapt, and heal. The overall theme is to keep him close and with you alone...not with day-care providers, etc. And, to make his world with you as similiar to that in the foster home as possible (food, smells, clothing, materials, etc).

regards,