[3kidsn3danes]

Ok, this is probably a silly question. We had appointments set up to see a psychologist, and we know we have some RAD problems. In the meantime, we've been trying to read everything we can and implement anything that we think might be a help without being drastic enough to hurt if it turns out we're wrong about the RAD (not a chance there, trust me, but still...). The problem is, the more structured, respectful, and nurturing we expect the environment to be, the more this child goes over the edge.

The question is: We seem to have a child that wants to bond, but she is going into 12hour long rages at the sight of us. We have maintained control basically through restraint and turning that into a hold, but I'm hearing and reading that you should only use a hold I guess when they've "earned it"??? How do you break a destructive, cycle of power gain without implementing some kind of bonding time, especially if a child is big enough to do some real damage? There is nothing else that this child fears or will even effect this child one tiny bit more than the threat of having to spend bonding time with us. She fears it so much that she will be utterly perfect just to avoid a timeout if she thinks we will make her spend it on the couch beside us. But chores, timeouts seperated from us, or hours without toys have no effect whatsoever and only escalate things. So, how do you gain some control back without implementing what they fear in some way. This is the one thing I haven't read anywhere, and for the sake of our sanity, its the major thing I need to know right now.

I hope this isn't one of those FAQ questions or something. I'm new here, and I'm just finding my way around. Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

The bond is scary to them. They fear love and have no trust as they've been so hurt. Bonding time isn't earned. Niether is a hold(and you'll get much flak about whether holding is o'kay or not). The closer you try to get, the more the child will push you away. In their minds, they are saving their lives. If they reliquish control to you, they feel they will die. But, You have to be strong enough parents to let them know that you can love them no matter what(never say that, just do it). You need a therapist trained in attachment disorder.

In the method I use, those children would be with me all the time except maybe sleep time(some advocate sleeping with the child. While it is helpful, I needed a break to keep going). We use high structure, no warnings, natural consequences whenever possible. No lectures just action.

For a child who rages 12 hours, earned time would include outings, picking there own clothes, later choices such as juice or milk. Time with mom is mandatory-that does not me you entertain the child-it's on your terms, not theirs.

www.radzebra.org www.attach.org

[Dr. Art]

What you describe is very concerning. You and your child probably cannot effect healing without professional help and you should get in to see a licensed mental health professional who is fully trained in treating attachment difficulties (see ATTACh for someone in your area).

You need to see a professional because, in addition to RAD, the child MAY have Bipolar I Disorder...but you need a professional to assess that and then recommend treatment in addition to the attachment-based therapy.

It is very likely that your child and family will require attachment-based treatment in additionn to the parenting; which probably won't work without therapy. In addition, extended holds done without supervision expose you and your family to possible interventions by the local DSS for child abuse...not that you are; but accusations can get made and what makes sense to you may not to others...so you need a professional advocate on your side directing treatment.

Furthermore, the therapist will help you not get and stay caught in the power struggle you describe. You'll feel a lot better with the help and support.

best of luck to you.