[SHERRITA]

I'VE HAD MY FOST/ADOPT DAUGHTER (ADOPTION PROCESS NOW)SINCE SHE WAS 8 MONTHS. SHE'S BEEN IN 3 DIFFERENT HOMES SINCE BIRTH, WHICH WASN'T FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. SHE WAS SORT OF PASSED FROM FAMILY TO FAMILY. NOW, THAT SHE WAS PLACED WITH US SHE HAD BEEN VISITING A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY (WHICH VISITS HAVE BEEN STOPPED FOR ABOUT 5 MONTHS). MY QUESTION IS DOES SHE HAVE A ATTACHMENT DISORDER IF SHE GOES TO ANY WOMAN? SHE'S REALLY PRETTY AND I GET ALOT OF COMMENTS AND IF A WOMAN COMES UP OR TAKES INTEREST IN HER SHE HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO BE PICKED UP. THIS HAPPENS ALOT. ONCE SHE TRIED TO PLAY ME AGAINST A LADY. I JUST HAPPENED TO ASK A LADY A QUESTION AND MY DAUGHTER GOES UP TO HER AND THE LADY PICKS HER UP AND MY DAUGHTER (WHICH WAS 1 YEARS OLD) LOOKS AT ME AND LOOKS DOWN, IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE BUT IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS PLAYING ME AGAINST THE WOMAN. (I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO CALL THIS BEHAVIOR) SHE'S 2 YEARS OLD NOW AND WHEN SOMEONE TAKES INTEREST IN HER OR GIVES ME A COMMENT ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS, SHE STILL DOES THIS. I'M CONCERNED BECAUSE I HAVE REALLY BEEN WITH HER A YEAR AND 6 MONTHS. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHOULD I DO. I WANT HER TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A STRANGER AND HER FAMILY. SHE DOES THE SAME THING WHEN SHE'S OUT WITH MY HUSBAND. HELP, PLEASE.

[lucyjoy]

I don't think I'd jump to attachment just yet, but there are a few things I would do. First, don't let anyone outside the immediate family, except grandma's hold her or pick her up. Carry her and hold her on your lap a lot. Get down on the floor and play with her a lot. Rock her to sleep or read and rock her if she doesn't fall asleep well in your arms. Get her use to the idea that all her needs are met by you. People will tell you you're spoiling her, but that kind of spoiling is the kind they need.

[SHERRITA]

THANK YOU, lucyjoy.
IT WAS REALLY BOTHERING ME. I WILL DO THE THINGS YOU ADVISED ME TO DO. GREAT ADVICE. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.

[HappyMomAnna]

We got our son at 1-year old and ten months later he still points to ANY MAN and says. 'DaDa' (It was actually really funny the other day he did this to an aferican american man at the bank, the man looked at him and said, I don't think so little boy--I am a man but, not your dada)

My son will also reach out to other women and refuses to say MaMa....... I know that 'game' you are talking about and it is disturbing and easy to jump to the idea this has to be attachment........but, the other day I was reading my birth childrens babybooks with our adopted 5-year old and ran accross an entry about my daughter at age 2 1/2 where I had wrote----"Every lady seems to be her mommy---sometimes she jumps in their arms like I am no one---I worry she will get kidnapped."

I didn't even remember this these 17 years later.....it must have been a phase for her but clearly I was upset...worried and thought she might run off with any lady who even smiled at her.

I agree that you as the mom must 'demand' all responsiblity of mommyhood. When our son was placed EVERYONE wanted a turn giving him a bottle---EVERYONE actually offered to change his diaper. EVERYONE wanted to take him for the afternoon..... and I had to say NO. I would not allow anyone to do the mommy stuff including daddy for the longest time...... I wanted him to know I was the ONE.

Nine months after placement I had back surgery---(SEPT 18) and thinking enough time had passed we ended up with alot of help in the house. I was only able to pick him up again a few weeks ago..... The caseworkers and everyone felt he would be fine---He has not done well. Our bond was clearly delayed and set back---he was mad at me and withdrew and it has been heartbreaking. I was home all but the two days in the hospital but, having so much help in the house did make him stop coming to me

The past few weeks i have gone back to the "don't touch my baby" attitude and he seems to be responding....

Attachement disorders are so scary---but, I try to remember that not every part of his personality is 'about being adopted' and finding that entry in my bio daughters baby book sure made me feel better.....

[SHERRITA]

Anna,

THANKS FOR TELLING ME YOUR EXPERIENCES BECAUSE I FEEL JUST THE WAY YOU FELT. IT'S SO HARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW TO SEE HOW VULNERABLE SHE IS. SHE'S SO PRETTY, INNOCENT (2 YEARS OLD) AND I REALLY WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW, WHAT I'M FEELING AND MEANING. I'M GOING TO TRY EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO SHOW AND TEACH HER IF SHE NEEDS, WANT, ETC... I'M THE ONE SHE'S GOING TO ASK FIRST. THANK YOU SO MUCH, NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD SOMEONE HAS/ IS GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.