[heartsnsync]

Hello. I know this will be a little long, but I feel I need to give a little detail so I can get the best advice.

I have two bio daughters and twin six year old adopted sons. We have had custody of the twins for seven months and the adoption was finalized mid March. The boys have RAD and ADHD and were drug and alcohol exposed. Since we were up on the signs of RAD we have been actively pursuing therapeutic parenting so they are already showing signs of healing.

We have pieced together over the months, and through accidental conversations with other adoptive parents who have adopted through the foster care system in our county whose children were in the same foster home, that the boys' foster mother has several times been brought up on allegations of abuse. We know from our sons and the other parents from their children, that she routinely withheld food, toys, freedom (locked them in closets), access to bathrooms, etc. as ways of "controlling" them. She beat them with belts and other objects and hand stitched wounds so the authorities would not find out. We noticed these scars and the obvious trauma when we first began to help them dress and bathe. Not a day goes by that the boys do not mention her and things that happened but because of their attachment disorder they do not act as though it was a bad place to be they just state it as a fact. The boys want to call her and see her and we are in a quandry because we feel this is a thing that will not help their healing and would possibly cause harm.

Add to this, we have been getting calls from the adoptive mother of their older twin brothers (yes, two sets of twins! same bio mom, different bio dads) who wants us to get together with them. We have met with them once before, three months ago, and for the whole next month the boys' RAD behavior was almost right back to where it was in the beginning (the rages, the peeing everywhere, the manipulating, lying, absence of true emotion, etc.) It has really taken just until the last three or four weeks to where we see we are taking steps forward again.

My boys were in foster care for four years, three with the one foster mom I mentioned. They lived with their bio brothers until just under two years old but then they were seperated and lived in seperate foster homes. They were removed from bio home because of abuse and neglect. They were witness to their mother's drug use and prostituion. After the first time they saw their bio brothers three months ago, we noticed our sons fondling themselves awake and asleep. The adoptive mother of the older brothers says she knows that the boys were subject to witnessing inappropriate actions between adults but does not know if abuse took place. I know this, something in the way of a post tramatic stress episode is triggered with my boys when they see their brothers.

The county adoption agency is encouraging us to have contact with bio brothers but even they are discouraging visits with the foster mom even though they still have six or seven children placed with her and she is still fostering. We know that not having an ongoing relationship with foster families and bio families can cause harm but so can association with people who have caused or been included at times of abuse. We just don't know what is right to do. The psychiatrist and therapist our sons are seeing say it is one of those things where there is no right answer.

What do you all think?

[Sharon]

Heartsnsync, you posted: "We have pieced together over the months, and through accidental conversations with other adoptive parents who have adopted through the foster care system in our county whose children were in the same foster home, that the boys' foster mother has several times been brought up on allegations of abuse."
If you and other adoptive parents have heard allegations of abuse occurring in a foster home, you must report this to the police immediately! All other concerns are secondary to that at the moment. If what you say is true, this foster mother still has six or seven children in her home and they might be undergoing horrific abuse as we speak. Please, don't wait! Pick up the phone and contact the authorities at once. If your adoptive children have been abused in this foster home, they will need therapy to deal with the abuse, but the authorities also need to be notified so they can take statements from your children, as well as any other children who have witnessed and/ or suffered any abuse in that home. As far as whether visitation with bio-siblings is advisable for your children in the future, I would leave that up to your childrens' therapist. Please, if you are positive this abuse occurred, report this foster mother and DO NOT STOP until you get some action. Children's lives may depend on it. Sincerely, ~Sharon

[heartsnsync]

We have reported this to the adoption agency that we were hearing from the boys that this had happened. They said that how are you sure they are not making it up since they have the attachment disorder? Well, true, the boys do make up things and the foster records do not show when they wounds took place or where (they were in three foster homes in four years, three of those in this home of question) but we know after the months we have had them that we are certain there wis truth to their story.

Another family that was in our adoption classes had a child placed that raged four 4 -5 hours at a time and destroyed everything in their home. Right or wrong, they disrupted placement. He was four years old and he came from this same foster home that our boys came from. Then it was not until we were participating as part of an adoption panel two days ago that we found another adoptive family with a child from there. When I figured out that their son came from the same foster home I asked them what they thought. Out came identical stories to what my boys had been telling us. This family said they had reported it when they were doing their visitations and had legal action taken reprimanding the foster mother, she said she would do better, and her license has not be revoked by the county/state. Their son and our sons were foster brothers. So, at the time when they took their action, our sons were still in that home.

We have been milling this over the past two days about what to do since another family has taken action and that was as far as they got. I am going to call this other family and piece some more facts together and then I think I am going to write a letter to our governor. I am from Florida and you know what pressure the Department of Children and Families is under down here to do the right thing. I only know the foster mother's name and city of location but no other information as it has never been given me even though I have asked repeatedly.

Don't think I haven't been loudly complaining when I just had the boys' word because I have. But since there was no proof, we could not do much. Now, with the information I have from the other family I have to believe the DCF had to know these allegations were quite possibly true and just hoped I would not find out.

Back to the question: how do I help my boys deal with the desire to see this foster mother and do I let them continue contact with their bio brothers? I don't want to endanger their attachment to us but at the same time I do not want to cause damage that they may blame us for later.

This is not even getting into the issue that their "uncle" that they remember seeing with their bio Aunt when they were in foster care was in fact their bio father! We have let the boys call their bio Aunt several times and they have asked to speak to the "uncle". They do not know the "uncle" is their bio father as he was in jail most all their lives. Just the other day the boys' asked us if we knew their birth parents' names. I put them off that we would talk later and they have not brought it up again yet, but they will some day. The minute I tell them their birth father's name they will know he is the "uncle". Then what??

Through all the adoption classes they pounded into us the necessity to keep ties to birth family when possible but everything in me, knowing they are RAD, tells me not to. I am in such a dilemma! We want to do the right thing.

[sweetnoodle]

I think it's a bunch of psycho babble bull that is telling you it will harm your children if they don't have contact with sickos such as the foster mom and emotionally ill children like their brothers. There is a lifetime ahead for reunification if your sons want it later. Right now-- think only of them. They are your responsibility, and so is their healing.

That foster parent needs to be brought to the attention of the news media, and brought to justice so she can get help, if she needs it, or as I said, justice if she's just a plain monster.

Sorry to be so blunt. I'm all for family ties, as I am an adoptee in reunion, but I'm 35 and haven't even worked through all the issues. Your sons are too young to have so much on them. Keep them away!

Sincerely,

[mckenna]

i am all for bio sibs being allowed to have contact with each other, if it is in the best interest of all the children. my friend adopted an older child from foster care and has a fabulous relationship with his foster mom who has been fostering for 20+ years. she gave her a very good piece of advice that i too have taken to heart, that if you are willing to have an open adoption, "when agreeing to bio/foster family visits, always state that you will help facilitate this as long as it remains in the best interest of the child/ren." if you don't feel like at this point in your chilren's adjustment to their new family it is in their best interest to visit with the bio sibs, keep lines of communicaion open with thier new family and when/if you feel your boys have gotten to a point where they can handle visits, introduce them slowly. your boys have to come first.

[patrisha]

If in your heart you feel the stories of abuse by the foster mother even contains an element of truth - go to the police, the press, whoever you have to, and force the issue of an investigation. Even if you cannot get anything beyond her name, the police can. Imagine how you might feel later if a child dies in her care and you're left to wonder if there was more you could have done. Only this week a 7 year child that was punished by being left in a closet and starved for months was discovered here in Arizona. He was 36 lbs. and was loosing his hair & skin. Local CPS had visit the home several times and failed to act even though neighbors pleaded with them that something was very wrong. The police were the ones to get a search and rescue the boy. Of course there will be an investigation of CPS and likely nothing will change.

I think you need to think of your boy's wellbeing ahead of their need to see their brothers. If there wasn't 2 in each place there might be more reason to encourage bonding at this point. They do each have their other twin to relate to. I know this sounds harsh but sometimes you need to just act on your instincts and not professionals that don't live your day to day life.

Good Luck
Trish

[lucyjoy]

First, I'm not sure I'd really believe the stories you heard. If your kids have RAD, making false allegations of abuse is normal. My kids told people there sister threatened to kidnap them on a visit(It was hot and they wanted to go home), I had a child burn himself on purpose and then claim he had no idea what happened. One of my kids likes to tell people I locked him in his room for three months. His room has no lock and he'd love me to leave him in his room. He stays with me a lot because his decisions are often harmful to others. I work with a RAD group and trust me, those are the tame stories, and they are stories.

MY opinion is that they ask to see the foster mom, aunt, and bio dad to bug you. If they're truely RAD, they have no connection to these people. Tell them foster mom was there to look after them until they got you as a mom. Another thing I'd do is look them straight in the eye and ask them, "If she wasn't nice to you, why do you want to see her?" and see what kind a response you get.
If they know it doesn't push your buttons, they'll stop asking.

Bio sibs is a different issue. Very supervised visits for major holidays or events until the kids heal(my opinion). Expect acting upand use it in therapy as an opportunity to heal the past. Later, you may what to include the brothers and their parents in the therapy. It's a conection they'll likely persue as adults. If you keep them away from them, it may interfere with their attachment to you. Just my opinion.

[Just Julie]

As six year-olds, your boys are probably quite articulate. Do they speak of their older brothers and express a desire to see them again? If so, maybe they would be willing and even enjoy writing letters to them or dictating letters that you could mail directly or to a social worker or agency who could deliver. They might also enjoy drawing pictures for their brothers. Before mailing, make copies for your own records, even of their artwork, as it might tell a story as yet undisclosed. This compromise in contact might prepare the way for future visits and reduce the negative behaviors which you previously experienced.

Blessings to you!