[Paul's Mom]

Dr. Art,

I have a 5-year-old boy, adopted from Russia that has been diagnosed with RAD. In the past, we have had bad experiences when we tried to get a night out. Friends that claimed to educate themselves, we found to be very easily manipulated by our son.

We have met a woman and now friend who has been a foster mother to a child with RAD for six months and has been a great source of comfort and would like to help us and watch him when we need time away. I am pretty confident from talking with her many times that she knows the disorder very well and knows how to handle most situations.

My question is, should there be some sort of plan of activities or just what she should do with him while we are gone?

Should I provide snacks, toy, etc?

[Dr. Art]

Paul,

Those are excellent questions. Your baby sitter should know all your rules (regarding things like going outside, what to eat and not eat, snacks, TV, etc). and follow those...but not keep saying, "No, your Mom won't let you..." Limit setting comes from the sitter, first by redirection. So, when your child asks to watch TV and is not allowed to, the person can respond with, "Lets go color" Then, if the child persists, respond with, "What do you think, is that something you are allowd to do?" then, the child can sit quietly and think of the answer if the child refuses to respond, if the child say, "Yes" I'd then respond with, "you are a silly one, that's not true" and then go to the next activity. The sitter is responsible for keeping the frame of the relationship and setting the tone, rhythm, and pace of the relationship. It is important the child not be setting the tone, rhythm and pace of the relationship. It is less important to "win" every power struggle, because you can win all struggles, but still loose because you are fighting with the child and allowing the child to set the tone of the relationship.

All good stuff comes from Mom or Mom and Dad. So, the person can make icecream sunday's and would say, "Your mom thought you'd like this and asked me to do this for you."

I think you get the idea. Let me know if you have any questions.

Also, it really is important that you do get out so you can refuel yourself and your adult relationships. If you are cranky and ovewhelmed, you won't be much good for anyone. And, as you know, this is very demanding work.

Good luck

[Paul's Mom]

I appreciate all the good advice.

Are there any books you recommend for sharing with people that would like to help in this area?

[lucyjoy]

Nancy Thomas has two tapes. One is Circle of Support, the other is strictly a respite care tape, but I don't remember the name. Tapestry books and nancythomasparenting.org both have these items.

[Dr. Art]

You might also take a look at Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray or at Deborah Hage's website.

Regards