[jenkoj]

I had posted a message in another forum about my reunion with my 18 yr old and sought advice from everyone on what I should do. Here is a kind of run down of what has happened. Someone suggested he may have an attachment disorder due to the fact that he was shuffled around in state custody after his a-parents virutally gave up on him and ignored him. He was diagnosed with ADHD which runs in the b-fathers side and I have wondered if he also suffers from bi-polar. What do you all think and any suggestions with my dilemma would help. How can I get him help if he has this disorder?
I found my 18 yr old son I gave up for adoption. Oh the let down. His adoptive parents were failures. They gave up on him and his ADHD problems when he was about 2 yrs old and when they divorced the a-dad put him in a CPS state home, he is very verbally abusive and mean, the a-mom spoiled him rotten and gave into his temper tamtrums because she did not want to "deal" with him. It was just obviously a horrible 18 years for my son. I had a closed adoption so I had no idea what was going on. They even admitted that if I had looked for him earlier they would have gladly gave him back. It has been 5 months since our first meeting and we have remained in close contact. I had a lot of guilt at first but now have dealt through that and realized I made the best decision I could at the time of his birth. Since he is now 18 the state gave up their custody of him and he has lived with his a-dad, aunt, stepsister, a-mom but it never lasts very long because there is always behavorial problems on his part and he ends up getting kicked out of their homes as he did so many state homes and hospitals. He is awaiting trial on assault charges for something that he did, he cannot hold down a job and he blames everyone else for his problems. Which I agree to some extent. I have tried and tried to counsel him and get close to him but his stubborness pushes me back. I am married to the birthfather and he has tried to get close to our son also. I just do not have any maternal feelings for him and so not know how to handle him. I have tried but do not feel like he is my child even though I gave birth to him. I want to help him and I told him so but I did not find him to rescue him or his a-parents and take over raising him. Unfortunatley none of them understand this. They all expect my husband and I to take on the responsiblities of his problems because we are the birthparents. We have another son that is 16 and still at home and is a very jealous child. We believe our main focus should be on him and getting him raised and on his own. I have told our birthson that he cannot live with us because it would not be fair to him or us since we have only just started forming this relationship. He again does not understand this. What should I do? I dont want to abandon him again. But I cannot raise an 18 year old that has the maturity level of a 12 yr old. Just yesterday he hung up on me after I tried to give him some advice on what to do with his future. He is mad because I will not let him stay with me. He has brought up the adoption subject at least 50 times and I try to explain it the best I can. He is very jealous that I went on to have another child with his birthfather after we married. He says crazy things like "why didn't you have an abortion" and terrible things to try and manipulate me. I realize a lot of these outburst are normal with adopted kids who meet the birthparents but he says them out of anger and at the most unappropriate times like when I am trying to have a serious conversation with him about how to control him self and build a future for himself. He actually thinks everyone owes him something because he was mis-treated and abandoned from me and the a-parents. Hmmmm. At my wits end I am telling you. I don't feel like I am up to this challenge. I dealt with the pain of giving him up so many years ago and finally accepted what I did was in his best interest. Now the guilt is returning and I don't like it.

[lucyjoy]

Could be bipolar, but I'd bet on attachment. From what you said, it seems your son knows what he needs to do and how to push your buttons. I think you're making th right decision not to let him move in with you. As heartbreaking as it is, you cannot help someone until they are ready to help themselves.

www.radzebra.org should have a list of attachment disorder symtoms. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of treetment or even research on treeting adults with this disorder.

You are not responsible for this. You made the best decision you could at the time and you had no way to know what would happen with the adoptive parents.

If he's saying nasty things to you, stay calm and tell him you're sorry he feels that way, but do not let him verbally abuse you(that will make him sicker and it won't do you any good either)

I wish I had some more hopeful advice for you.

[jenkoj]

Thanks for the website address I will look at it tonight. I think I will pass this info on also to the a-mom. His aunt who thank God is normal and trying to help me deal with these problems may be able to convince the a-mom to seek counseling and treatment for the attachment disorder. He is still covered on her insurance. Out of all the shrinks and hospitals and state homes he has been to not one of them ever suggested this may be the problem. They all just gave him medication to keep him doped up where he could be controlled.

[Dr. Art]

If you go to my website you will find a checklist for Reactive Attachment Disorder and for Sensory-Integration Disorder. In addition, I have several articles written by parents, children, and a lot of information about RAD, Bipolar Disorder, etc that you may find helpful.

Regards,

[jenkoj]

Yes from what I can tell from the website my son more than likely has this disorderas most of the actions certainly reflect it. I sent the a-mom an email asking if he was ever diagnosed and her only response was that no he did not have a problem. He bonded with her and her husband just fine. I don't think she even cares anymore and the sad part about it is if he is not properly diagnosed he can never get the counseling and professional help he really needs.

[ellasmum]

Basically, I has only been 5 months. That is not a long time to work through a lifetime (for your son) of pain and questions. Hang in there with him. It may take years, but it is a blessing that he's back in your life. He might not be well-behaved or "feel" like your son, but his life hasn't been too good, so be understanding with him. He is still a child - just a big one. Be patient and be loving with him; imagine being in his mind right now. It must be pretty lonely in there. Good luck to your family.

[colin]

Ellasmum

You say it well, "Hang in there with him... he's back in your life... his life hasn't been too good, so be understanding with him... Be patient and be loving with him; imagine being in his mind right now. It must be pretty lonely in there."

I am an adoptee now 36 years old. And still just taming the acid regarding adoption. I was diagnosed with Bi-polar.

Caution: do not tell him how to controll himself - he may alienated you, not listan to a word more.

I respect the courage you had to try. I feel for the confusion and the overwhelming challenges you have to commmunicate. In english we don't even have words to describe the wide range of emotions you both must be experiencing. And the child comes first, the adult of 18. Wow what else can i say but hang in there. Accept what you have and wow keep the courage to try and try.

Respect .
Colin