[EM_Bixler]

Ever since I can remember I have had this obsession with finding out who my birth mother is. When I was 18 I was ready and rearing to go to Alabama, get my records and go find her...unfortunatly at the time they couldn't release the records to me.So I looked in the AL phone book and I found my biological grandparents, and I called them...they were in shock...basically, they told me that my birth mother, Marianne is now living in Tennessee, with her new husband and children and that she hasn't even told her husband about me...OUCH!...(I have put 2 boys up for adoption myself so I can't understand how she could just act like it never happened, especially considering the fact that she was 19 when she placed me for adoption)
About a year ago I did some researching on the INTERNET, since I knew my grandparents last name I decided that I would "google" them...my grandfather, Dr.Oskar Essenwanger is and has been a professor at UAH for years...my grandmother, Kate Essenwanger died in December of 2003. I found her obit in the Huntsville times archives and found that my birth mom's name is Marianne Mitchell, she lives in Taft, TN, with her husband Don, and 4 kids from what i could tell...I found and address and phone number, also.
Here's my dilema...I AM SOOO SCARED TO CALL HER...I wouldn't know what to say or how to react...I was just gonna let it go, but I was reading some of the heart breaking stories on here about ppl who waited to long and now it is too late....
What do I do...I am so scared and confused, and worried that she'll tell me to leave her alone....
I need advice please......No one in my family understands why I need to do this they think I am wasting my time and setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak, and that I should just go on with my life but I can't this aching has been going on for too long......

my email address is hopeful_dreams@excite.com


Thank you for reading this and letting me vent.

~ Liz

[kune]

I never had to search - my son found me - but I can still understand how your conversation with grandparents makes it that much more difficult for you to make the phone call or send the letter.
BUT...if you don't make contact, are you going to be happy wondering what she is like, why you were placed, and if she ever considered finding you yet never really knowing the answers.
I think you just have to make a definite decision - make an attempt to contact or leave it as it is and go on with your own life. The alternative (ie. forever wondering and fearing rejection) is not, I believe, an option.

I would suggest a letter and perhaps followed up by a phone call if you haven't heard anything after say 3 weeks. I know, for myself, if I had received a phone call I probably wouldn't have been able to breathe.....little own speak. A letter is non-invasive, and doesn't shock as easily.

Good luck in whatever path you follow.

Ann