[reneeof3]

We are an interracial couple, my husband is AA, and I'm white. Our daughter is biracial. How do we tell her when she's older that her birthmother couldn't keep her because her family is so racist that they would "disown" her and never speak to her again? She comes from a part of the country where there is few AA, and the racism runs high, unfortunately. I cannot tell my child that her birthmother couldn't bring her home because her family dislikes AA people.

The birthmother loves her baby, and I don't want to go into the details of her relationship. She just went out of town briefly and our child is the product of that trip she took.

Anyway, she loves her like we do, yet she's very far away. My husband being AA, thinks he can talk to our daughter about it but I can't help feel so sad that this precious child is probably going to feel a degree of rejection from being placed for adoption, but also being a person of color.

There is so much love we have for this child, and we want to talk to her about this in the most appropriate way. I want her to be very proud of her race, and if you have any advice, I would appreciate it.

Thank you!
Renee

[lambeausam]

Maybe you could tone down the truth and say, "your parents were unable to accept the responsibility of raising you." It's bad enough that the kids have to face the day-to-day reality of racism, regardless of their background. It's even worse to know that you were rejected by the two people that created you.

[Linny]

I'm of the opinion that honesty is the best policy in most cases. The racism you speak of is, sadly, very real in some parts of the country. Your daughter is going to experience rejection of some type, in some form (as all children do too...regardless of racial make up)...and I'm sure you will deal with that.
The fact that your husband already feels that he can talk to her about this, is such a 'big plus', I think. I wouldn't want to tell her this info until she was old enough to handle it, but I believe it should be told. Just because these birthpersons were related to her 'by blood', does not automatically make them 'good people'. On the other hand, look at it this way.......you are able to tell her that her birthmother DID love her very much, saw how these people were, and knew that to have the best life she could have, she needed to be in a great family. You have that very positive and great element, that you can give her, in my opinion. Sometimes, there isn't even this much of a positive element to tell children..........


Sincerely,

Linny

[reneeof3]

Thank you so much for your kind words and faith that we are doing the right thing. We definitely plan to tell her that her birthmom really loves her and wanted a better life that the environment she came from. It's just so hard for me to think my child will ever feel rejection (pipe dream). I look into her eyes when I give her a bottle and that innocence makes me cry sometimes because of what she has to face down the road. But yes, my husband is very intelligent about how to approach this and I have a lot of faith that we both will do the best we can. Fortunately, we live in an area where there is a lot of cultural diversity and she will go to school with a lot of "mixed" children.

Thank you again for your very sweet message, I really appreciate it!

[Linny]

Thank you, Renee. My husband and I are 'white' but have a very inter-racially mixed family. Our youngest baby is AA, and we have found that birthmom 'isn't a real 'put together person' '. There are now things that we will have to tell our baby that I wish we never knew about. Yet, they will probably affect our child down the road and will emotionally hurt her.
This is why I mentioned that you are fortunate to have the element that birthmom was looking for a better life with you. The reasonings for our baby's birthmom to find a home, were not that 'honorable', I believe.

Sincerely,

Linny