[shay34]

I met this lady through a friend. She wants me to adopt her 6 year old daughter because she is unable to care for her (she has 3 kids, she is giving up the other 2 also). I think this could be too stressfull because she already knows her real mom. How should we go about this to be in the best interest of the child. I want to raise her as my own and gain her love and respect to me as her mother but I dont know if that could ever happen because she will always want to be with her real mom.

[Rainbow mom]

We adopted our son's when they were four. They still kind of remember their Bparents. To me that is a blessing. I would not want someone to come and wipe out my entire memory of my life before my husband. It does not mean I don't love him, but there where others that came before him. Fact of life "we all come with a past". Make new memories of your own don't be jelous of her old ones. If you are asking for a child to give up loving the person they know as their "mom" that is too much you will never replace her in your daughters heart.

Great reading for this subject is: Primal Wound

[AlissaLynne]

I think it would be wonderful that she would know who her bmom is, I would not worry about bonding. She is still young, but I have heard that at first she will not understand and with you there with her, being there for her when she misses her bmom that will bring you closer to her. I would not expect it to be easy but it depends on what you are willing to deal with too. Just my 2 cents.
Alissa

[Julie Randolph]

About adopting an older child: There's a really useful book called "Adopting the Older Child" that you should look at for good information about the issues that are normal for kids adopted at an older age. While it is true that children who know their birthparents when they're adopted will never forget them, it's also true that they come to see their adoptive parents as their parents in every way. If adopting an older child is something you really want to do, you don't need to let worries about a bond between you and your child get in the way.
I have another question, though, about why this mother is thinking about placing, and what sort of support she's getting in making her decision. It would be good for everyone involved -- you, the child, and the mother -- for someone who's familiar with older child adoption to really talk through with the mother why she wants to make an adoption plan, and what she hopes will happen after the adoption is done. Someone who can get to know the mother and her child can help them and a potential adoptive family think through whether post-adoption contact will be important, and if so, what kind. They'll also be able to help everyone figure out what kind of transition between families would be good for the child.
There are a ton of adoptive families out there who can tell you that older child adoption can work beautifully. It's just that the child's age and awareness of what's going on make it important to be careful in planning and making a transition.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

[marysblessings]

Hello. I was adopted at about age 3. Although this is younger than the six year old you are thinking of, I wanted to share some of my thoughts. Even though I was so young, I had memories, but did not know if they were real until I was an adult and met some of the people who took care of me prior to being adopted. My first confirmed memory was when I was about a one year old! This does not mean that the child will not attach. I did not attach to my adoptive parents right away. My mom was not able to spend time helping through the transition because she was having a difficult pregnancy. I was afraid of men and would not let my dad near me, wouldn't even eat at the same table with him. However, I did bond quite quickly to other members of the family (grandma, aunt, sister). Eventually an appropriate relationship was formed with everyone, but it did take a while.
Since you have known the mom, the transition for this girl should be smoother for her. I am a bit surprised that the mom is not trying to find one home for all three of the children. Having her siblings with her would help a lot.

Blessings,
Mary

[shay34]

The mother wants to place them all together but cant find a home that will take all. She has found a home for her older son, asked me to take her middle child and she is keeping the youngest girl for a while because she has asthma (3 years old).

[marysblessings]

it did take me quite a while to adjust and bond. If you have the patience and time, it can happen. I know for me, it did not take as long as it probably would have because Mom brought home my baby sister. Now, genetically we were not related, but we were and still are, as close as sisters can be. Mom used to tease me because when they brought Cathy home, I insisted she was my baby. Later, when we were teens, my dad said to me one day, "Mary, you should have been more strict with her. She is spoiled." LOL. This bond with Cathy helped me to bond with the others in the house. It saddens me now that my parents were not the first, but as soon as I saw that someone could be trusted, it helped me with others. Some children will bond with the mom first or the dad first. Do not be offended by this. It does not mean that the child will not bond just as tightly with you, but it may take longer, that's all.
If you adopt her, I would recommend one or both of the parents spending intensive, quality time with her. If she will let you, cuddle her a lot. Anything that she seems to find comfort in, spend copious amounts of time doing that, such as a favorite book, playing forts, etc.
If you have any questions for me, please feel free to email me at davidandmary4@yahoo.com I know every child is different in what will help them, but some concepts are consistent with everyone. Security and trust are not always gained overnight.

Blessings,
Mary