[Mae314]

Hello,

My husband and I are attempting to adopt and finding this to be a long journey with many disappointments.
We are seeking information on reliable private agencies serving African-Americans. We would welcome any PM of your suggestions.

Part of Our Story:

Since Sept. we have been matched 3 times with the first two failing...

1. At time of delivery a family member decided to keep the baby

2. Second Match, mother thought she was having a girl had a boy and decided to keep the baby.

3. Now we are on our 3rd Match, and it seems to be weakening.... severe pressure from birthmom family for her to keep the baby. She is under so much stress she has lost 12 lbs and the baby weighs 4.5lbs... and this is her 9th month.

I am beginning to wonder if our agency has difficulty screening a proper match. After the 2nd failed match we asked that we were not presented to a birth parent until at least a month prior to delivery. They presented this match 2 months prior to delivery (she is due 3/31).

After many, many years of infertility and infertility treatment, and then finally becoming pregnant, I went into preterm labor at 5 months. Our daughter lived 1 day (March 14 is the 4 yr anniversary of her birth).

With so much loss, and the up and down rollercoaster we are ready to move forward. So, whatever suggestions you have it really would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Freda



May 16, 2007... Agency Choosen

Sept. 12, 2007... Homestudy accepted, our information
able to presented to birth parents.

Set. 21, 2007... Our First Match... baby due 10/31.

Oct. 2007.... Match failed, 1 week before due date

Jan. 4, 2008.... Second Match... baby due 1/13

Jan. 8, 2008.... Second Match failed

Jan. 15, 2008.... Our Third Match

March 3, 2008... Update received... feel match is
weakening.

[nickchris]

Sorry to hear about your daughter. ((hugs))) The general trend seems to be that AA expectant/birthmothers are more likely to parent, due to pressure from the family community. It seems post birth matches work better, since the mom has dealt with a lot of the pressure, and may be more confident about the placement. If you live in an area that has the more traditional, older agencies with AA programs, you may find a better pre-screening process. I pmed you as well.

[teendoc]

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. I had a 16 week loss and still haven't recovered from it.

I live in the Philadelphia area and used the agency Adoptions from the Heart. EDITED TO REMOVE AGENCY COMMENTS/DISCUSSION

Please PM me for more information.

[Sleeplvr]

Sorry for your loss. We asked for baby born matches from our agency. AA emom's often decide to parent after birth so I don't think it's a good idea to match prebirth. As Nick said there is a lot of family pressure to parent.

I'll PM you a few tips for choosing a situation.

[adamslor]

We have just "worked through" our SECOND failed match in two weeks.

The first match - the Birthmother decided to parent on the 2nd day. (We were 5 hours into the drive to meet the baby)

The second match ended today. We matched on Friday, baby born on Saturday (expected on April 3rd). We really got along well with the Birthmother and Birthfather, but got a call early today - Birthfather wants to parent.

Both of these situations were AA mothers/fathers looking for AA couples to adopt their babies. My husband and I don't really know what to do.

I guess we need some names of agencies that will place AFTER the revocation period. We also would like an agency that keeps the cost down. (under 10K)

Any ideas?

Please PM.

[nickchris]

You can always ask for that aspect in a pre -match meeting, that baby stays in cradle care, or with birthparent until. We actually drove 6 plus hours, for the mother to change her mind after delivering, it is not easy.

[adamslor]

That was exactly what we planned for. We just met with the birthparents to "get to know each other". Right when the SW visited the birthparents to discuss the detail of cradle care - the birthfather "freaked out" and changed his mind. I believe that he really didn't like the idea of an unknown family keeping the baby for the 10 day revocation period. I just worry that he will not be able to "parent" the baby.

[nickchris]

Where is the baby now, with the dad? that is tough. Those wanting to meet each other can be real tricky, I went through a grilling by the mothers family.. that i can laugh about now. LOl After that I toughened up, and really got more input on the situations, "to not waste time".. sad to say. A good agency or independant social worker can really help with the go between as well.

[adamslor]

Yes, the baby is with the dad. He has two other children, but they are raised by their mothers. I hope he can manage everything....

We actually really enjoyed meeting them. I got really close with the birthmom. She felt like a little sister. She was probably the most upset about the whole situation. She really wanted us to "have" her son.

[nickchris]

You never know, :-) but I am wondering if your agency cannot provide any post birth match or baby born situations? my local agency was one of the popular agency for the area hospitals to call for the moms who change their minds with their parenting.

[Sleeplvr]

We requested cradle care. We got a call a few days before the revocation period was up and that's when we met DD's bmom for the first and only time. Prebirth matches are too overwhelming for everyone.

I really don't like seeing AA families being tied up in prebirth matches even if it's a short match because they will miss out on situations where the baby is born and needs a home right away.

[adamslor]

Originally Posted by nickchris

You never know, :-) but I am wondering if your agency cannot provide any post birth match or baby born situations? my local agency was one of the popular agency for the area hospitals to call for the moms who change their minds with their parenting.

They did say that "sometimes" a birth mother will bring the baby to the agency a month or so later and ask for the original placement family. I won't count on it though.
I haven't heard anything like what your local agency does. Is the agency you are speaking of anywhere near GA?

[adamslor]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

We requested cradle care. We got a call a few days before the revocation period was up and that's when we met DD's bmom for the first and only time. Prebirth matches are too overwhelming for everyone.

I really don't like seeing AA families being tied up in prebirth matches even if it's a short match because they will miss out on situations where the baby is born and needs a home right away.

Can you reveal which agency you used? (PM)

I agree about the "overwhelming" part. We have travelled over 8 hours in the last 2 weeks to meet with birthparents - only to leave empty-handed...

[momto3]

Please pm me with the agency you used also. We've had a couple matches fail, and I'm not sure I can go through that again. Thanks

[Sleeplvr]

I'll PM the agency information.

My DS came from the foster care system. His mom showed up at the hospital to give birth and told them that she did not want to take him and requested that they call someone to arrange an adoption. We were signed up directly with the county so we were called. He was a healthy baby boy. You would be surprised at how often that happens. Most hospitals have a process in place and send "abandoned" babies to either a private agency or the foster care system.