[nickchris]

Hi all,


Positive self identity which IMO can connect with self esteem, but is a tad different. My 3 children are AA, my bios are of 2 different cultures. Dh and I are of AA/Carribbean combined marriage. DD is as far as I know AA of one culture. We live in a predominently cc area, and my kids are one or one of the few AA. I try to address their positive self identity, not everyday, but frequently, mainly indirectly. I am what you call a parent in progress, lol DH just coined that term this morning.
How do or will you help your children be comfortable with their identity?
Maybe we can learn something new from each other.

[StillaMomma]

Well, my little one is only 6 months old, but I find myself talking to her about what we hear and see. I tell her daily that black is beautiful. I touch her hair and call it lovely. I watch the presidential debates and BBC with her and tell her about what's going on in the world. I watch the local news and when we see predominately African Americans in the news, I talk about the positive things that we have contributed to society. I let other African American friends hold her and talk to her and spend time with her...that's what I plan to do for the rest of our lives together... Teach her about the world through my eyes. Any other suggestions are surely appreciated.

[nickchris]

IMO such a simple gesture, but so important. We have been blessed to have dd with us since June. When I comb her hair, I say; look how pretty, and then dh will say the same. I tell her go to daddy and show him your pretty hair. The boys already think she is the best baby off the bat. lol I do make much when I lotion her skin too.
I think that your watching the debates/world issues in general is awesome, Stilla, I did not do that with my 11 year old at that age, and wil keep that in mind.

[Sleeplvr]

Nick

I do the same as you with grooming time. I comb my kids hair and tell them they are beautiful or handsome and what gorgeous hair they have. DD says "pretty hair" when I finish combing it. Reminds of my mom telling me if I eat carrots it will make my eyes pretty. LOL...
After bathtime when I'm putting their lotion on I tell them what beautiful skin they have. At 2 years old they think they are the most gorgeous kids on this earth. They know how to take a compliment very well.

We control images coming into the house as much as possible. They watch children's programs that have images that resemble them. All their dolls at this point have coloring similar to them. I want them to have a firm identity before I expand on their collection.
They have always attended a daycare that had teachers of color and students of color.

[nickchris]

Thanks Sleep, I agree with addressing the basics first, then building upon that. My 11- year-old since he was about 5 expressed how sensitive he was to our societies issues. Because of him, I could not even rest on my so called laurels of being a same race family:


I came across this under the nacac site: I am using this to check myself, and added my comments in bolded letters.
NACAC | Post-Adoption Support

The minority child's identity affects his or her self-self-esteem, confidence, goals, worth, self-respect, sense of entitlement, and expectations by making him or her feels inferior. This inferiority is not the result of identifying with or being a member of a minority group, but from exposure to discrimination, prejudice, and negative stereotypes about he group. A child from a minority group that is celebrated, held in esteem, or that shares power and control with the dominant group can have identities that are just as positive as a child's from the dominant group.
To counteract a minority child's formation of negative identities, he or she must see and be told:

1. that members of his or her minority group can also make positive achievements if given equal opportunities, (I started doing this with the Footsteps magazine, we review the positive contributions by blacks over time). I found out that big ds did not like the topic of slavery which was discussed during their civil war history lesson at school, I ordered these magazines right away. Counter balancing all the negative input is imperative.
2. that he or she and his or her minority group should also have the same rights and entitlements as members in the dominant group, I discuss this with them, especially if an experience warrants such a discussion. All should be treated equally, despite gender, race, socioeconomical status.
3. that he or she and his or her group are equal to and as good as any other group, This is my creed, lol
4. that stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination are wrong, and
5. that there is proof that prejudices and stereotypes are untrue. The child must be able to see it to believe it. Nunber 3 and 4. Very true, why avoid saying this? it is around us.

   Feeling self-confident about his or her ability to cope with and appropriately respond to discrimination reinforces a child's positive self-image and identity.
   

Because children from minority groups (Asian, Latino, African American, or Native American) who experience prejudice or discrimination are subject to developing negative racial identity, they require monitoring, with attention paid to their perception of racial identity. They should not be expected to develop positive racial identity without support and reinforcement from their families, role models, and the community. Parents can provide support and reinforcement through the following 7 tasks. ..

[nickchris]

Sorry, that I did not elaborate prior: all input is welcomed.

[Kelli]

Nick, I'll come back to this when I have more time but I just wanted to say thank you for starting this topic in this particular forum and giving ALL of us who want to discuss, learn, and share information about topics that are important to some of us Black heritage folks, a thread to do so. I'm going to be honest here and say that other then hair and skin care topics I've often felt like some of our opinions and perspectives as AA people living in a majority White institutionalized America are ignored or met with disdain, fear, or boredom in other areas. I felt this way years ago when I was more active here, and sadly, I believe the same holds true to some extent today.

Thanks again. Busy day but I'll be back.

[nickchris]

No problem Kelli, it is too bad that it is like that at times. Actually,I think that is a part of racism in society that contributes to blacks feeling inadequate, invisble, and frustrated. I call it the: it's all in your head, or no that is not the same anymore, or really I do not feel that way. I cannot imagine how my kids, especially my sons as adults would feel coming up against such subtle messages. However, I have seen how such behavior has broken down a lot of our young people/ men who have not learned how to face such challenges.

[crick]

Kelli and anyone else who feels similarly....

Just a thought, but I think at times, people are really just afraid to be honest with each other and end up kind of walking on eggshells, which doesn't help a discussion at times. Meaning, there's a certain "Oh, my opinion won't count because I'm not black" or a thing of "I can't really share this because white people don't want to hear it." kwim? When really, I think most people participating do want to hear from others and do want to discuss things. I think as with a lot of things in life though, we let our own experiences kind of intefere in a way and need to remember that on here at least people in general don't participate unless they WANT to hear things and share things. (not everyone...I said in general!)

And this isn't pointed at this forum...it's true between any "side" in a way. But we just have to keep talking...

[Kelli]

Crick, I so agree with you and that makes sense to me. I was actually a little tentative myself to express the way I felt because I wasn't sure it was going to be received in the manner in which I hoped. Thank you.

Shutdowns tend to make me more wary then a good discussion ever would. IRL, I'm the kind of person who would rather know upfront what I'm dealing with. Thank you for reminding all of us of this. I think it's important.

Originally Posted by crick

But we just have to keep talking...

[nickchris]

Good point, and observation, thanks Crick!

[crick]

I read your 5 points and also just the other posts of telling your kids positive statements with interest. Funny...I was kind of reminded of my own upbringing. My mom was afraid I'd experience a lot of discrimination due to my disability so she always made a point to "showcase" my talents/traits and even my disability in a way. I was never told "you can't do x because you can't hear". I was able to better deal with the morons telling me "you aren't as good as me" because I knew in my heart who I was. Not to say I didn't feel the jabs etc., but at the core of things, I had a very strong foundation to fall back on, which is what those 5 points reinforce.

Now obviously I'm not comparing skin color to a disability..in the sense that there's something "wrong" with having non white skin/culture. Just saying that I do agree it's really important to turn what OTHERS might see as a negative into a positive, regardless of what the difference is. So the 5 points really do hit home for me, and think it could hit home for so many!

[nickchris]

Very true Crick, I think the points can apply to a lot of situations where the child may be at a risk of feelling inferior or different.

[nickchris]

I have posted an elaborate list of books for diversity and self esteem building under the resource section. Wanted to share, since I am building up my library for my family, I need more bookcases. lol

[vernellinnj]

My fosterchild is a beautiful dark brown little boy. I make a point to tell him as often as I can "look at your skin - it is so beautiful. You are so handsome (and he is), kind and smart. Mommy is so proud of you."

We actually play a little game...

Me: "Who's the best baby?"
Him: "I am!"

Sadly, at the age of 2, he's come across AA parents in daycare who seem to be a little "color struck". There's a very fair AA girl who simply loves my FS but it is VERY clear that her mom does not want her to even remotely be associated with my fs (or me for that matter). I've tried several times to strike up a conversation and the mom is blanketly rude. Honestly, I was somewhat shocked and thought maybe the mom is just stand-off-ish...but nope - saw her chatting it up one day with another AA parent (fair skinned) parent. It's silly that in 2007 I'm even writing something so ignorant...

Hey, maybe it's something other than his (our) complexion. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Nickchris - Great thread...