[mommyonboard]

Originally Posted by teendoc

MommyonBoard: I wonder if those more informal known adoptions seem different from the private adoptions that many of us have had with our children. I mean, perhaps the informal adoption, since it is between family members or known parties is somehow different from an arrangement between two strangers. Perhaps that is what is going on. Thoughts?

I don't think the 'privacy' aspect of adoption today is what sparks the fears we hear and feel when someone mentions open adoption. I do think that the rising increase in termination of parental rights for people of color who live in poverty has resulted in alot of parentless African American children with very few individuals open to taking them in. We are afraid. More so now than ever. Even with the internet and all this world wide connection we seem to have grown further apart. This isn't just in the AA community, it's everywhere. However, its my opinion and I think its sad that we have separated ourselves so much from one another that we have begun to judge each other as harshly as our critcs. We are beginning to believe and uphold many of the stereotypes of the unfeeling, abusive, criminal welfare babymachines. And those of us experiencing infertility seem to hold these stereotypes in such contempt that they taint our choices on how to parent our children who are adopted. We need to let go of these myths and stereotypes. We also need to begin to heal ourselves of our fears of not being 'good enough' to parent and know that a child similar to a mother or father has an expansive love which can include more than one set of parents.

We are not in competition with our children's birth parents. And...

Birthparents should not be viewed as the enemy, no matter the circumstance. They are a part of your child. That doesn't mean you have to invite them over to your Christmas/Kwanzaa Celebration or even to the family fish fry and by no means are you co-parents with them (this isn't a divorce).

But to me it does mean that you demonstrate respect for your child's biological legacy and you open yourself up to the truth that--no matter what out there somewhere is another family who your child also may want to claim or reclaim again one day with you by her/his side. The two are not mutually exclusive but can actually be integrated in such a way that we raise healthy, self aware, fully self actualized humans who see their adoption status as a plus and not a handicap. With some forethought, perhaps we can make this the new African American Adoption Legacy.

[vernellinnj]

Mommyonboard -

Beautifully written!

[mommyonboard]

Thanks very much.

[teendoc]

Originally Posted by mommyonboard

I don't think the 'privacy' aspect of adoption today is what sparks the fears we hear and feel when someone mentions open adoption. I do think that the rising increase in termination of parental rights for people of color who live in poverty has resulted in alot of parentless African American children with very few individuals open to taking them in. We are afraid. More so now than ever. Even with the internet and all this world wide connection we seem to have grown further apart. This isn't just in the AA community, it's everywhere. However, its my opinion and I think its sad that we have separated ourselves so much from one another that we have begun to judge each other as harshly as our critcs. We are beginning to believe and uphold many of the stereotypes of the unfeeling, abusive, criminal welfare babymachines. And those of us experiencing infertility seem to hold these stereotypes in such contempt that they taint our choices on how to parent our children who are adopted. We need to let go of these myths and stereotypes. We also need to begin to heal ourselves of our fears of not being 'good enough' to parent and know that a child similar to a mother or father has an expansive love which can include more than one set of parents.

We are not in competition with our children's birth parents. And...

Wanda,

Forgive my having taken a little bit to get back to your reply. You raise some interesting thoughts. I want to be clear about your assertions. Can you clarify for me what our people may be afraid of in avoiding open adoption? Is it the fear of raising the child of "unfeeling, abusive, criminal welfare babymachines?" (Meaning that we see the birth parent as a negative stereotype). I'm trying to drill down here to the exact nature of this possible fear.

I completely agree with you with your take on birth/first parents, as long as the parents are a healthy influence on the child. As we know, some firstparents may have issues that can prove emotionally harmful to their children. I believe that some others asserted this nicely in this thread.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by mommyonboard

We are not in competition with our children's birth parents. And...

Birthparents should not be viewed as the enemy, no matter the circumstance. They are a part of your child. That doesn't mean you have to invite them over to your Christmas/Kwanzaa Celebration or even to the family fish fry and by no means are you co-parents with them (this isn't a divorce).

But to me it does mean that you demonstrate respect for your child's biological legacy and you open yourself up to the truth that--no matter what out there somewhere is another family who your child also may want to claim or reclaim again one day with you by her/his side. The two are not mutually exclusive but can actually be integrated in such a way that we raise healthy, self aware, fully self actualized humans who see their adoption status as a plus and not a handicap. With some forethought, perhaps we can make this the new African American Adoption Legacy.

From a bparent, THANK YOU!!!

[Synesthesia]

Great points! Without your child's birthparent, your child would not be them...But it's hard for people sometimes not to divide...

[mommyonboard]

Originally Posted by teendoc

Can you clarify for me what our people may be afraid of in avoiding open adoption? Is it the fear of raising the child of "unfeeling, abusive, criminal welfare babymachines?" (Meaning that we see the birth parent as a negative stereotype).

This is only my opinion, it's not scientifically based and I assume nothing. I'm concerned about the lack of available African American Adoptive families. In my community alone which is a predominately African American city everyday I hear and see advertisements requesting African American families for foster and adoption available children.

I believe that African Americans are less likely to open their home to adoption because we have begun to believe the stereotypes and don't want to welcome 'unwanted elements' into our lives. Firstparents struggling with addictions, including the hustling lifestyle, are a part of the 'unwanted element' we feel we'd be exposing ourselves and our families too.

I'm not niave. I've been working with the 'unwanted' for almost two decades now. I know how challenging they can be...I also know that children should not have to suffer the sins of their parents--bio or adoptive. We all err when we assume that every child born into challenging circumstances inheritance are addictive, anti-social, borderline personality bio parents who'll intrude and invade your home and lifestyle. That's the stereotype. It's wrong and unfair.

I also think we believe the four myths of adoption, articulated so much better than I can in Silber & Speedlin's book Dear Birthmother: 1) firstmother doesn't care or she wouldn't have given up her child; 2) first parents will forget about their unwanted child; 3) secrecy in adoption is best to protect the child; 4) adoptive kids who really love their parents won't search for their first parents. These are myths, not facts. Even our television news (which in my opinion stands for nothing educational or worth seeing) toot the horn of open to semi-open adoption. I highly recommend any potential adoptive parent and adoptive parent read Dear Birthmother if you haven't already.

I don't believe that potential African American adoptive parents are more or less prone to believing the myths than other potential adoptive parents. I do however, feel that our community cannot afford belief in any stereotype or myth that places our children at risk for not being parented.

As adoptive African American parents and the adoptive parents of African American children we have to know that in our desire to build our families we've also made a commitment to a community, our community. Our actions may have begun 'selfishly' but in the end we've changed the world. It's a flag we should raise proudly because this action asserts that every child deserves a family who will love and nurture her and accept her no matter what.

[Yash]

Wanda,

I think when you're dealing with children and parents from foster care, it's a whole new ball game than private adoption. From day one, you know that the birthparents have/had such serious issues that the state stepped in and took the children from them. Once you swallow that pill, here comes the SWs, the CWs, lawyers, etc... that you have to deal with. I've spoken to my SW about foster care and fost/adopt not being for everyone because this route is not for the faint of heart; so how then do you contact and reach the people who've thought about it but just haven't made the move towards it? She says they haven't figured that out yet, though it seems word of mouth is still their best advertisement. Seeing a family member or friend fostering seems to help families on the fence take that first step or introduces this world to families who had never even thought about doing foster care.

I tried fostering once. A year ago this month. I picked Willow up from the hospital and she was with me for 2 1/2 months. When she left I said, I'm not doing that again. The drama with the CW, SW, the birthfather, I never knew who was telling me the truth, what was everyone's real agenda, it was too much, particularly when I had a child of my own. If I didn't need the drama I knew my 1 1/2 year-old definitely didn't need it.

The system turns off so many people. Supposedly we're all in it to help a child and in the best cases help put a healing family back together, but sometimes it seems like the only people committed to this idea are the foster parents and sadly they can't do it alone.

I was told by my SW, during my first adoption that blacks adopt at the same rate as whites but not through the system. It was like a poster said earlier back in the old days, you just took in the kids in need well it's still going on. Most of these families don't want to deal with the state, even if it means getting WIC, state insurance, and some monetary assistance for the children in their home, which I can completely understand. This is an issue, they are particularly trying to work on with the grandparents raising their grandchildren.

In my heart of hearts could I honestly encourage someone to become a foster parent or adopt from the state, I'm still pondering that answer.

[nickchris]

I understand where Yash is coming from with the foster care system, and the possibility of protecting the children. We looked into private domestic as well. I would say a lot of the aa biomothers were looking into letters and/or only pictures, no visits. Being aa we are very aware of the improtance of knowing about our "history" and family. Dh and I were/are more so assess as time went on. Open adoption in itself takes two committed parties, and a lot of patience and maturity.

[teendoc]

Originally Posted by mommyonboard

I believe that African Americans are less likely to open their home to adoption because we have begun to believe the stereotypes and don't want to welcome 'unwanted elements' into our lives. Firstparents struggling with addictions, including the hustling lifestyle, are a part of the 'unwanted element' we feel we'd be exposing ourselves and our families too.

I'm not naive. I've been working with the 'unwanted' for almost two decades now. I know how challenging they can be...I also know that children should not have to suffer the sins of their parents--bio or adoptive. We all err when we assume that every child born into challenging circumstances inheritance are addictive, anti-social, borderline personality bio parents who'll intrude and invade your home and lifestyle. That's the stereotype. It's wrong and unfair.

I also think we believe the four myths of adoption, articulated so much better than I can in Silber & Speedlin's book Dear Birthmother: 1) firstmother doesn't care or she wouldn't have given up her child; 2) first parents will forget about their unwanted child; 3) secrecy in adoption is best to protect the child; 4) adoptive kids who really love their parents won't search for their first parents. These are myths, not facts. Even our television news (which in my opinion stands for nothing educational or worth seeing) toot the horn of open to semi-open adoption. I highly recommend any potential adoptive parent and adoptive parent read Dear Birthmother if you haven't already.

I don't believe that potential African American adoptive parents are more or less prone to believing the myths than other potential adoptive parents. I do however, feel that our community cannot afford belief in any stereotype or myth that places our children at risk for not being parented.

As adoptive African American parents and the adoptive parents of African American children we have to know that in our desire to build our families we've also made a commitment to a community, our community. Our actions may have begun 'selfishly' but in the end we've changed the world. It's a flag we should raise proudly because this action asserts that every child deserves a family who will love and nurture her and accept her no matter what.

Wanda,

Thank you so much for clarifying your thoughts. I've sensed that there is some fear that leads to our hesitation with open adoption, but I had not been able to get any clarity about we blacks seemed to have this fear. It seems very nebulous when people are questioned about their hesitation.

Yet your listing of the myths of adoption speaks to what I've felt that our people are indeed fearful of. Perhaps we need to address these myths head on with our community (and yes, I do realize that these myths are not unique to our community) in order to help people give a name/voice to the nebulous concerns that they have.

I might have to steal some of your thoughts here for an entry in my blog! Thank you.

[Vogi2002]

Interesting...my girlfriend and I were talking about this recently...but on the birthmother side. Her two children and my son are AA, and all thier birthparents seem to be active at first, but are all kinda "falling off the face of the earth" if you will (won't answer calls, etc). I have heard of other AA birthmothers and it seems to be more "frequent" than CC birthmothers (although I also know of some who still have wonderful open adoptions...don't mean to generalize).

I am of the suspicion that there is no real AA person or counselor they can go to....not saying that they can't connect with CC counselors, but, at least I know for my son's birthmother especially, she needs someone who is on her level...understands her, and can connect with her. She is of a totally different culture than the counselors available to her. She told me the last visit that she doesn't feel 100% comfortable with them. So she doesn't get the education about open adoption that she needs..she doesn't understand how much Cooper NEEDS her still, and always. How much GOOD she can do.

Sorry to jump in here....I hope this makes sense...it's early and I have had two cups of coffee so my brain is wired (okay so more like 4 cups since my cup is HUGE LOL).