[Brat]

A week ago, my mother-in-law (who is CC) was watching me (I'm AA) put my daughter's (she's AA/CC) thick hair into afro puffs. They were cute and shiny, and her scalp was parted into simple rows. Every time my mother-in-law sees her, she's wearing a different hairstyle. That particular day, I was in a hurry, but trust me, it didn't look raggedy.

As though my daughter's hair is a "problem," my mother-in-law says with this smarmy tone: "Her hair's getting longer and longer. Are you just going to let those puffs get bigger and bigger? So, what's your plan?"

My daughter's hair is a far cry from Angela Davis: maybe, an inch and a half long, sopping wet. But these puffs were cause for concern. They. must. be. stopped.

I was slightly taken aback, and responded that I didn't have a "plan." What the heck does she mean by a plan? She has another granddaughter (CC/A) who is biological and has straight hair. It keeps getting "longer and longer," too, and is often in her face because she refuses to sit still for more than a minute of styling. I've never heard anyone ask what the "plan" was for her hair.

When we adopted our daughter, she was practically bald, and then grew straight, shiny baby hair that took a long time to grow. My mother-in-law said one day, "she's keeping us in suspense with that hair." Clearly, meaning, I wonder if it's going to get all kinky. Then after it curled up, she was asking me if it was "good" hair. Good hair, in this day and age. I was patient. She doesn't know, and why not educate her?

But now she's on my last nerve with the "what's your plan?" stuff. She went on to ask what my hair was like when I was younger and how my mother--who was a hairdresser--must have had lots of ideas for styles. Again, a conversation that bordered on offense, because she's not worried about her other granddaughter's head.

I have half a mind to make *sure* that every time she sees me, my daughter's got the puffs. And if I feel like it, I *will* take out my blow dryer and knock out her curls into a BIG ol' fluffy 'fro and take her over to grandma's.

Maybe I'm just venting, but here it is a week later and I've finally decided I'm officially offended. My daughter's hair is not a spectacle, an issue, or unmanageable. It's just hair. I'll give my mother-in-law this: she's never struck me as a racist and I still don't feel that she is one in the least. But on this particular topic, if she never says another word about my daughter's hair, it will be too soon.

Sorry.

[traceyk]

AWW, sorry you got hurt! If it's any consolation I love doing puffs in Drihan's hair. However, I do not know how to braid to save my life. I also love to just leave her poofy afro. I personally like simple, natural looks because I love to see her curls.

[joskids]

I'm CC, with two biracial daughters with very different hair textures. OK, I don't get this -- what's WRONG with puffs?????? Your daughter is a baby, not a fashion model, for goodness sakes. Clearly your MIL is not being sensitive (or kind, but we won't go there). Hair is such an issue. Geesh. With everything else we've got to worry about, I always feel that because I am CC, I have to try all that much harder to be sure my girls have socially acceptable hair. They're kids!! We do the best we can to be sure they are clean and well kept. We don't need everyone else's 2 cents, particularly when they likely don't even know what they're talking about. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- ALL HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL and why the heck do we have to keep proving ourselves? I fear we will traumatize our kids by making them believe they need to look a certain way to be accepted. I did it with my oldest child, he had to be PERFECTLY clean and well dressed all the time. I wish I would have done it differently.

Josie

[scrapy]

Congratulations! You and your family will be in my prayers!
Scrapy

[spitzlvr]

Tracey,

I just had to pop in to say the second pic of your daughter is priceless! I just want to reach out and scoop her up!!!

[Wisdom]

I guess I'm showing my ignorance, but what is CC? I'm assuming it's caucasion...?

[bromanchik]

I would tell her you're planning on dreds. (I also like the big fro idea.) Personally I like the beaded braids, though it must take a long time to do.
Lordy, doesn't this woman have anything else to think about? I think you are right about it being racist. It sounds like she was hoping for kid version of the AA Barbie doll. CC features, just a little darker. When are people going to see that beauty comes in many forms?

[JosieWales]

TraceyK--Holy cripes, your daughter is PRECIOUS!!! Just thought I'd let you know I'd an admirer!

Becca

[LeighM]

I think you need to ask her what she means by her question or why is she asking. As I read this I don't think she is trying to hurt your feelings. I think she is trying to learn about your child and her hair. Did your MIL have all boys by chance? The girl hair issue could be something new to her.

I also know that someone said to me that my ad who is multi-racial (AA/NA/CC) has good hair. I asked them what that meant. I was told good hair is not corse or kinky.

S is hair is soft and very curly. I wish I was better at doing her hair. Mainly I would love to learn to braid it other than the basic french braid. Her hair is half way down her back right now. And I know I have been asked how long I am going to let her hair get. I told my MIL that once she can sit on it - than it will be long enough. My MIL has all boys so hair is something she never dealt with. And has always gone and had someone do hers once a week.

[Linny]

I can empathize completely! My daughters (both AA) are now pre-schoolers. Believe me, their hair is mostly in those 'little puffs' all the time. We live on a farm, they've had it braided before---they don't like it for long (hurts too much they say); and I've decided that SOME people just think that my kids are supposed to be some sort of 'fashion statement'---as if they were 'here' for anyone else's pleasure?!?!?!?! However, when I've discussed this with other AA women (especially AA college age girls) they tell me that what we're doing is 'good'. They tell me that my girls' hair is well conditioned and THEY wore primarily 'little afro puffs' when THEY were little. Soooo, what's with some people, you know?

Forget it. Your MIL is wrong. I have been a teacher for a few years (SAHM now), and I say this, because it occurred to me that when little CC girls wear their hair in pretty much the same style each day, NO ONE says ANYTHING about THAT, now do they? If CC girls' hair is cut short...does someone come along and say, "Hey, when are you going to do SOMETHING else to your hair?!?!?!"
I don't know what 'their' problem is, but I refuse now to perm, or style my babies' hair for the satisfaction of others. (I like beads too. I think they're gorgeous. But I also know that those girls have to sleep on those beads too; and my girls don't want THAT!)
So, do your own thing; and if MIL says another word about it, you might ask her if she's ever raised children who were anything other than CC? Then ask her how many times she's spoken to others who's daughter's hair was styled pretty much the same way most of the time. Then ask her if she's ever slept on beads, or braids that were tight on her head????

People. Just never know what's gonna come out of their mouths!

Sincerely,

Linny

[JPDakota]

My brother and his wife are always asking if DD's hair is good hair or bad hair. Makes me crazy. We are going to visit (staying in a hotel instead of at their apartment) at Christmas. If they say anything, I'm going to have to get cross with them. (Like how civilized that sounds?) Every now and then they sneak in these little comments. I'm not a sensitive person, but geez. DD is only 18 months old, so we'll see how this Christmas goes. If it doesn't seem to be good for DD, then we're not going back. Mother wanted us to take her, so we agreed, but I won't expose DD to a bunch of negativity. Period.
Now me? I'm CC and I have really bad hair. Trust me on this. I keep it short, but it doesn't really help. (heavy sigh)

[bluelidded]

Mean answer: Yes, it's a pity she doesn't have greasy wads of CC hair like yours.

Nicer answer: Well, I just planned to keep on livin' for the survivors of the curly hair epidemic.

[DebCsMom]

I do our DD's hair in PUFFS all the time. It's cute!!! Today I got brave & tried random twists!!!!

[Pandagirl40]

I just had to give a quick topic. Welcome to the world your child will face. Black people and hair have always been an issue. we have been laughed at, stared at and had our hair touched because it was different. I am sure you mom meant no harm. But all through history white people have been concerned about our hair. As long as it is clean and not all over place and she likes it...move on. Smile and enjoy it while you can until you start pressing or perming it...or you can keep it natural

[musemoon]

Ok I am lame at hair, mine and kiddos. I have to chase her around the room to even get puffs in. And let me tell you, I leavin condition, I mosturize with lotion, I use only Carol's Daughter stuff....but by the end of the day, my toddler's puffs are a fright!

So....I do big crazy afro....put a little hair scarf on and walla....cute hair.

My mom did say...."We didn't expect her hair to be so black" But I know my mom adores her...and loves her hair, so I forgive her...but from everyone elses mom, and your MIL I would woop out a can of woop@ss.

Really just respond....oh??? I'm going to ask (grand daugther 2's) mom what the plan is for her daughter's hair, and then I don't know...probably follow that same plan.