[bajj]

There are babies all over the world that need loving homes, so what does it matter what race their parents are? Why does skin color matter so much to some people? Why does it seem more "acceptable" in society's eyes for whites to adopt non-whites but not vice versa? Family is thicker than blood. God has woven my family together, and none of us are the same "color." I've had positive and negative comments from all the races.

[nickchris]

I would love such a world where color does not matter also, life would be much simpler. guess AA would love to not deal with such almost everyday...cannot hide our head in the sand about it either. (remember the 60's..long time ago, and that was with drug consumption LOL) A person on the transracial thread posted their personal experience that really made a lot of sense, and hit a lot of the issues on the head. Yes children need homes, if you feel led to help *all* children then so be it. But, do not rationalize why you do so, if you pray about it be fully honest on your standing, just make sure your heart include *all* children.

[akcskye]

Amen to this!!!

But, isn't it so sad that we adoptive families come under such scrutiny that at times, especially to new adoptive families, we feel we HAVE to explain ourselves?

Originally Posted by nickchris

Yes children need homes, if you feel led to help *all* children then so be it. But, do not rationalize why you do so, if you pray about it be fully honest on your standing, just make sure your heart include *all* children.

[KarynB]

I think though, as adoptive parents of multiracial kids we are also in the position to teach others (some you may reach, others not) about how the world "should be". We have the opportunity to do that - and the more people who embrace that as adoptive parents - the wider the circle of acceptance goes. Sure, some of mt family was sceptical about us raising a black child - so was the orphange director where he came from. They wanted Zulu kids to stay within the Zulu culture - but I don't think there would be one person now who sees him as he is happy, healthy, well-adjusted etc would still feel that way. And we can all do that within our communities. I think we all agree that the best case scenario for all kids would be to be raised by their healthy biological parents within their own cultures, but that is not reality either.

As adoptive parents we are teachers, whether we want that role or not (in my opinion). Think about it - every time someone says "what was his/her real mother like" and you answer "I am his real mother, did you mean his birthnother?" you taught that person something. Most of the racial remarks we've dealt with so far have been sprung from ignorance, not malice. So many people live their entire lives without giving their existence much thought - they say racial phrases without even realizing they are racially charged. That is our chancee to step in (as enlightened adoptive parents of course!!!) and correct them. Maybe it will stick, maybe not.

I guess I just feel saying things like "our world isn't colour blind" etc - while that's true, we can all take little steps to make it less so for the next generation, and so on. I've spent a lot of time in South Africa, and those feelings of racism, etc have not disappeared, and their legacy of apartheid is in the much more recent past than the US's history of slavery, etc - but most realize it will take time and the releasing of the anger, hatred etc on both sides for SA to be a truly egalitarian society. Blacks and whites realize this.

Whew - i sure tend to go on for along time once I'v estarted, don't I?

[nickchris]

Oh yes, but one thing I have learned is that once you adopt..you take on additional challenges and scrutiny. Even when you match your achild very well (facial features, skin, hair ) it may be easy to try and forget the child's "story" etc; but it will come up over time. It's how we deal with it, so the child does not feel like like an abnormality.

Everyone can do a part with working racial issues out, but quite a few AA learn that survival is how to deal with today and be productive. AA deal with a lot of folks who do not want to acknowledge that there is a problem and it get old trying to change folks mind or outlook. Too many folks are in denial, angry, hurt or do not care. IMO a part of working thru problems/issues is to first acknowledge and be honest that there is a problem.

Originally Posted by akcskye

Amen to this!!!

But, isn't it so sad that we adoptive families come under such scrutiny that at times, especially to new adoptive families, we feel we HAVE to explain ourselves?

[KarynB]

True - but we also have to acknowledge that at times racism can go both ways - tha causal arrow certainly started one way, but I see a lot of two-way arrows in the year 2006.
But now i'm not really talking about adoption anymore, I guess!

I agree, sometimes it feels like things will never change - attitudes (especailly underlying ones) will never change as how can we change what we don't even admit? But, if you look at the source, I am willing to guess it is mainly an older generation that feels this way - at least i hope so. But maybe not - seeing how so many blacks were treated during Katrina - and I even hear stories now about how all the victim money was wasted on trips, poker nights, etc...no stories about the people who are still suffering, or whatever. Goes to show, it is still those with power who get heard, those without are silenced.

[nickchris]

True, yes the thread has totally taken another turn LOL never said there are any innocent people in the societal scheme of things. People reacts even more so when they feel there is no control in their lives. *Everyone has prejudiced thoughts* no perfect person but Jesus huh? Adoption is a good time to hash out our inner selves.

[hotspice58]

Why does skin color Why does skin color matter so much to some people? matter so much some people?

In this country, society is based on color. If it weren't, we would have the inherent problems we have. And it's not just AA/CC. It's AA/Hispanic; CC/Hispanic; AA/Mid-Eastern, etc.

Like KarynB, I think in time, with all the inter-marriage, race won't be as important.

[ananda25]

This thread has been going on for a long time, so I'm "late" to weigh in with my two cents! My husband and I are AA, and we JUST had the TPR go through for our daughter, who has been with us since April 2006. We're on the way to finalization, with an open adoption situation progressing quite nicely. (Can you tell how INCREDIBLY EXCITED I AM?!?)

Anyway, I have had dreams since I was little of adopting a "rainbow" of children from different cultures, races, etc. We are completely open to adopting children of different races, including White children. (Our daugher is AA, and her first adoptive placement was disrupted when the first adoptive family "returned" her because she was "too dark" and "didn't fit in with their family." And, no, it wasn't a White family who rejected her, it was a Black one.)

The issues surrounding our daughter's adoption have made us acutely aware that color consciousness and internalized racism are alive and well in our community--and it's sad. We hope that we can model for our daughter that differences are special and need to be honored, but, ultimately, we are all more alike than we are different.

What we struggle with as parents is not IF we would adopt a child of different race but SHOULD we do it. It's a hard issue to contemplate when you live in this American society that values your race less than other races, and you know that children in your race are (1) disproportionately available for adoption, (2) aren't always valued in the adoption world, and (3) could benefit from you as a role model. It's something that is hard to ignore, no matter how much we want the "rainbow" family ideally. I have absolutely no problem or issues with people of all races, sexual orientations, religions, etc. adopting, and I certainly don't think that Black children are "better off" with Black families. I do wonder, though, that since I am Black, how do I best want to use my racial experience to benefit others. It's not all of who I am, but it does give me a particular perspective in parenting. So, as you can see, I'm COMPLETELY on the fence. All of this was to say that it's not an easy topic for us, and I think it's an important topic to consider.

Oh, and I read in someone's post that interracial marriage and transracial adoptions will ultimately lead to less racism. This might happen, but the pessimist (realist?) in me thinks that the issue will then turn to color (like it did with our daughter--she was the same race, but she wasn't the right color for her first adoptive family). I think we have a lot of work to do to change this country, but I think conversations like this are a great way to get us to work toward it!

Sorry this post is so long, but I had so much to say!!!!

[Lissa]

Originally Posted by lisa in venice

I have not comment on a desire to adopt children from all over the world. If that is your caling, go for it. I DO have a few things to say about international adoption being easier. Having adopted four times domestically with not alot of hassle and for the cost of a single Chinese adoption I wanted to address some of the realities of domestic newborn adoptions of AA children. While there is ALWAYS the risk of birth moms changing their minds and I have heard from both agenices and adopton Attorneys that AA birth moms change their minds more often because family often waits to offer support until after the baby is born, the shear numbers of AA babies that don't have homes waiting for them when they are born means that any of us who are willing an able to adopt an AA child will get one usually very quickly. I have never waited any longer than six months from the time I was approved to having a baby in the house with parental rights terminated. Most of our waits have been closer to three months with the six month wait was because we specified a girl. I get at least 5 emails a year from friends and adoption pros looking to place AA chidlren who have been legally freed for adoption but have no family waiting. If you really fear birth aprents you can only look for post birth matches. The sad truth is the because OUR chidlren are at the bottom of the adoption hierachy it puts adoptive parents in a much less risky position. Secondly while I very much like open adoption ther reality is that AA birth mothers rarely request fully open adoptions. Of all of my IRL friends and cyber friends I only know a handful with fully open adoptions with AA children. For the msot part they have closed or semi-open adoptions with only pictures and letters.

I think it is sad when people buy the hype about how difficult domestic adoptions are but in general it is no big deal to me but when it is people who would generally be the best resource for the population of children who are the most needy in THIS country it does bother me. While I did explore international adoption briefly in our search for kidlet #3 I quickly found that it was cheaper and faster to adopt an AA baby here. Yes foster/adopt is different but straight private adoption is sadly VERY easy because of the numbers of chidlren and the lack of families who want them.

lisa

I've not read ahead, but I have to comment on this. While I am extremely happy for you, the situation you are discussing doesn't always hold true. We discussed domestic adoption. We were open to any race. What we were told was we were bad canidates for domestic adoption and to pursue international. Our friends who were better canidates for domestic adopted an AA boy eventually. We had our daughter from China before they had their son. They had two adoptions fall through and ultimately they paid double what we did. Their son is gorgeous. They wouldn't change a thing and I am so happy for them, but the ease and cost really depends on where you are and when you are adopting.

[rose32542]

Hi! I have not read the entire thread, just the first and last pages. I just wanted to give my perspective. Hubby and I and our bio son are white. We are in the process of adopting biracial triplets (birth mother white, birth father black). They are four months old, all boys (two identical, one fraternal), and we have had them from the day they were born. They are breastfed exclusively, just as my bio son was, and are pure delights.

We chose them after almost two years of searching for the right agency, the right country, the right child. One of biggest concerns when we started our adoption journey was how, in all the world, could we find the child or children meant to be ours? Our prayers for those years were that God would lead us to the children whose mother I was meant to be, whose father my husband was meant to be. I had faith that He would, in the right time and place. Our church has a very good adoption program that is quite inexpensive, and a lot of our friends, knowing that a Staff Seargent in the Air Force and a SAHM aren't wealthy wondered why we didn't just go the affordable route. The answer was that we weren't looking for any child; we were looking for our child.

No matter what options we explored, nothing seemed quite right. Until I got a call from the birth mother, a relative, who was beside herself because she had just found out she was pregnant with triplets, who she could not possibly care for. I knew instantly that these were our babies. My husband felt the same. We didn't know for several weeks that the birth father was black. It didn't matter. It made no difference to our feelings for them or our joy at adoption.

When I look at my four sons together, one with pink skin, blond hair, and amazing blue eyes, and three with rich brown skin, dark hair, and the deepest, warmest brown eyes I've ever seen, I marvel at the beauty of each of them, and the incredible gift God has given us.

We have had one nasty experience with racism; both hubby and I put the horrid, hate-filled man in his place. Our family is a unit that trancends race. The heritage of each of our children is special, and a unique part of their stories, but the group that I hope each family member will associate themselves with the most is our family.

In my opinion, wanting to save someone, or a group of people is not a good enough reason to adopt. It is a wonderful reason to donate time, money, and prayers. To be a mentor, start a program, or find a career dedicated to helping others adopt. But no one should enter their family as a service project.

I do know a black woman who is in the process of adopting a white toddler. She has been his foster mother his whole life and can't imagine losing him. She adores him, just as I adore my angels. I firmly believe that we all enter the world and our families in the time and manner God intends. If I have more children, I have no idea where they will come from, but we will be family, just the same.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by ananda25

This thread has been going on for a long time, so I'm "late" to weigh in with my two cents! My husband and I are AA, and we JUST had the TPR go through for our daughter, who has been with us since April 2006. We're on the way to finalization, with an open adoption situation progressing quite nicely. (Can you tell how INCREDIBLY EXCITED I AM?!?)

Anyway, I have had dreams since I was little of adopting a "rainbow" of children from different cultures, races, etc. We are completely open to adopting children of different races, including White children. (Our daugher is AA, and her first adoptive placement was disrupted when the first adoptive family "returned" her because she was "too dark" and "didn't fit in with their family." And, no, it wasn't a White family who rejected her, it was a Black one.)

The issues surrounding our daughter's adoption have made us acutely aware that color consciousness and internalized racism are alive and well in our community--and it's sad. We hope that we can model for our daughter that differences are special and need to be honored, but, ultimately, we are all more alike than we are different.

What we struggle with as parents is not IF we would adopt a child of different race but SHOULD we do it. It's a hard issue to contemplate when you live in this American society that values your race less than other races, and you know that children in your race are (1) disproportionately available for adoption, (2) aren't always valued in the adoption world, and (3) could benefit from you as a role model. It's something that is hard to ignore, no matter how much we want the "rainbow" family ideally. I have absolutely no problem or issues with people of all races, sexual orientations, religions, etc. adopting, and I certainly don't think that Black children are "better off" with Black families. I do wonder, though, that since I am Black, how do I best want to use my racial experience to benefit others. It's not all of who I am, but it does give me a particular perspective in parenting. So, as you can see, I'm COMPLETELY on the fence. All of this was to say that it's not an easy topic for us, and I think it's an important topic to consider.

Oh, and I read in someone's post that interracial marriage and transracial adoptions will ultimately lead to less racism. This might happen, but the pessimist (realist?) in me thinks that the issue will then turn to color (like it did with our daughter--she was the same race, but she wasn't the right color for her first adoptive family). I think we have a lot of work to do to change this country, but I think conversations like this are a great way to get us to work toward it!

Sorry this post is so long, but I had so much to say!!!!

Thank you for this post! It is a lot to think about, I know. I have adopted transracially twice. I don't regret adopting my kiddos at all.

I truly appreciate your comments.