[traceyk]

Although DH and I are not AA, our baby is. My Mom calls Drihan her "brownsugar baby". I asked her why she calls her that and she says she is as sweet as brownsugar. It doesn't bother me, but I wanted to know if anyone else may find this offensive and would Drihan possibly be offended someday?

[Sleeplvr]

I find it offensive but I don't like being called sugar, honey or even worse one of Georgia's brown peaches. Isn't a brown peach rotten or spoiled? I have to tolerate it because I live in the land of people who regularly use honey and sugar so they don't have to remember your name. I'm probably pre-diabetic because of all the sweetness down here.

The thing about family members using names like that is that they are doing it out of love. So you have to let it go unless it's really bothering you. It will also depend what type of personality your DD has whether she will like it or not down the road. I just don't like excessive flattery and do not take compliments well. My sister eats it up even if it is in reference to her skin color.

Back when I was dating DH, we were out in an automotive store and I was waiting for him near the front of the store. DH was in line waiting to make a purchase and heard the man in front of him call me Honey Gold. Yuck! I didn't like it but DH thought it was cute. The comment was made by an AA man.

This is a particular pet peeve of mine but other people have no problem with it at all. DH doesn't have a problem with it. To be really honest I'm a little more offended when I'm called brown sugar or a brown peach by a CC person. I guess it's because they don't call a CC person white sugar and they are just a regular peach. Why does my color have to be a part of it?

[Linny]

I have to agree that I think it's offensive. Two of my children are Asian; two are AA. I know that early on, I caught myself wanting to say certain phrases that I used to think might have been alright......or, phrases that I never thought could be 'taken' as referring to ethnicity....but upon further thought, I decided they might be misunderstood to mean something I certainly didn't mean them to mean.

I became careful then. While I know I have heard comments and such like this, in referring to CC babies: "My little Miss Sunbeam" (referring to the curly hair, etc.).......I think I have to be especially careful.

It's sometimes sad, when some of these comments are spoken in complete innocence--when the speaker only means to give an endearing comment. (As I think your momma means)......but I sometimes think about how my girls will feel---or how others in public might think of the comment if it is overheard.
Sometimes, it's a hard call.

Sincerely,

Linny

[LisaCA]

yep, I vote for offensive. all it does is call attention to your daughter's color. now if mom, like sleeplvr points out, is calling the other kids "white sugar", it's slightly less offensive.

it's like george bush (the first's) comment about his hispanic granddaughter, calling her "the little brown one" (I think that was the quote). ugh. all it does is point out difference.

imagine calling a child "the tall one" who lives in a family of short folks. gonna feel pretty icky every time that's pointed out. it says "you look like you don't belong in our family".

your mom may mean well, but it's probably not going to be received like she means it. And conversation is about intent and how a phrase/discussion is received. why continue with a phrase that communicates something you didn't mean?

[Sleeplvr]

A name that is used extensively in the adoption community that offends me is China Doll. I have never heard an Asian person use that terminology. That is pure objectification.

[traceyk]

Ok after hearing from everyone I called my Mom and asked her why she said "brown" sugar specifically. She said she was just calling Drihan her sugarbaby, but my other daughters (I have 2 bio teen daughters too) told her that was racist because sugar is white, so my poor mother corrected herself *LOL* I told her that Bretta and Chelsey were just looking out for their sister and that calling her just sugarbaby is fine.

[AwaitingBeloved]

How cute is your mom?! Sounds very sweet.


I wasn't offended by it, but I'm CC. And I can see how it can be offensive. I think of brown sugar as a warm and comforting thing (especially in my favorite goodies!). And it reminded me of a dear friend of ours who is CC married to an AA woman, and when we've gone out with them he's been so cute with her--making a production out of how he likes his women like his coffee, dark and sweet. Which I am sure is offensive to many people (the first time I heard him say that my eyes popped out of my head!) but I got used to it with them and know that it's a special thing for them... so your brown sugarbaby comment reminded me of that.

I think your mom sounds really sweet and sensitive to the obstacles (is that the right word??) that biracial families can endure and she seems to want to do the right thing by you and your kids. That's awesome.

And how sweet that the older sibs tried to protect the baby! Too funny.

[Sleeplvr]

I know this is going to show my age. But do you remember Sugarbabies candy? They were candy coated milk caramels sold at movie theaters and candy stores.
This was a name or endearment for young AA children back in the day.

When you’re AA you hear every candy reference there is in regards to skin color.

[AdrienneG]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

To be really honest I'm a little more offended when I'm called brown sugar or a brown peach by a CC person. I guess it's because they don't call a CC person white sugar and they are just a regular peach. Why does my color have to be a part of it?

I feel the same way and felt that way when I was a teenager being the only AA person in the upper school in private school being called chocolate or brown sugar in a school of mostly CC students. All it is is a reminder that you are seen via your color and that you are the "exotic" one in a sea of White faces.

[AdrienneG]

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

And it reminded me of a dear friend of ours who is CC married to an AA woman, and when we've gone out with them he's been so cute with her--making a production out of how he likes his women like his coffee, dark and sweet. Which I am sure is offensive to many people (the first time I heard him say that my eyes popped out of my head!) but I got used to it with them and know that it's a special thing for them... so your brown sugarbaby comment reminded me of that.

I see it that way too that there is a private reference people might use in private versus in public. His calling his wife that isnt offensive to me because he's using a pet name for her...and he could very well see her darkness as beautiful. What I find offensive is him calling her that in public in front of everyone and kept saying that phrase a lot in public, inviting others into a private realm thats between a husband and wife.

[alwaysus]

Have any of you seen the beautiful book called Brown Sugar Babies? It's photos of AA/Biracial babies and it has some awesome pics.
FYI, I agree, I don't really like the nick name.
BUT also FYI, my son Daniel, fully CC, has dark skin and I always called him my mocha baby....

[AwaitingBeloved]

Yeah, I agree, Adrienne, that it would have been more comfortable even for us as witnesses had we not been witness to it because it was such an intimate petname or nickname.

I do think, that while overemphasizing a person's skin color is unnecessary, that pretending it is not different (i.e. a biracial child or AA child) in a predominantly CC family is not healthy either. I think there needs to be some acknowledgement and celebration of the diversity... without letting the CC kids feel unincluded... but with the kids knowing they should all be proud of their roots. And if a family choses to use sweet nicknames (of course, this is a very personal decision.. a sweet nickname to one may be horrible to another) than it is appropriate in the context of the family.

I can see pros and cons to a nickname like brown sugar baby. It's a very personal decision, and one that can be revisited at any time if it needs to be.

It's great that the OP and her family are so intune with these issues. I am not as aware... getting there.. long way to go!

For me, I've always been an equal opportunity liker. (That sounds WAY wrong!) But I really like everyone... I take issue with some (IL's!)... and until a few years ago, I REALLY thought everyone was like me in that sense. It blew my mind when I got to college and learned it's not the way many people are. And it's unfortunate. So I know I have a lot more to learn about things like this.

[kllee4]

Yeah, I'm in agreement as well. I know your mother means well but I keep thinking about how she would FEEL one day about it, especially in relation to the rest of the family. She may think it is endearing (I doubt it) and may certainly forgive her grandmother for it. I forsee, though, that she may be within earshot and roll her eyes and be irritated by it.

How about being called the cute one or the sweet one ! That's what I was called growing up and I hated it. My sister and I are close in age but we are totally opposite in personality and physical appearance. She is outspoken and not very approachable so I was cute or Pocahontas or sweet pea and she was the mean one, the loud one, the Afrocentric one. How cruel was that! Well, my mother obviously didn't socialize with my dad's side of the family much in which comparisons and competitions were passed around Big time! And I was always forced to defend my sister (she couldn't care less, and it made her even more "mean" and loud! ).

[happygmom]

Bless your Mom for embracing and accepting your child as an individual - for who she is. BUT ... sadly, our culture has a long way to go before the endearing name can be used without judgement and perhaps some harsh criticism from the outside world. One thing that I have learned from experience and diversity training is that words that are used to describe someone in one culture can be very hurtful when used by another culture.

I would respectfully guide your Mom to another name. Goofy grandparents can be very creative with names that will not bring the the judgement of the world crashing down on them but instead just cause a roll of the eyes .

Happy G'Ma

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

I know this is going to show my age. But do you remember Sugarbabies candy? They were candy coated milk caramels sold at movie theaters and candy stores.
This was a name or endearment for young AA children back in the day.

When you’re AA you hear every candy reference there is in regards to skin color.

No you're not showing your age, unless I'm showing mine right along with you when I confess I love sugarbabies and sugardaddy candies (though the fear of lossing dental work keeps me from ever eating another sugardaddy). This is interesting, since I do call my child sugar baby, or sugar. Never really thought about sugar as "white" just sweet, so adding brown does seem to be "calling out" your child's color.

My child is CC, but if my child were AA I wonder, would sugar baby alone be offensive today? If anyone remembers the Crawdad Song... "You get a line I'll get a pole, honey... (ending with)... Honey, sugar baby of mine," this is where I draw babe's nickname from.