[LisaCA]

okay, I've got a question to throw on this board, something I've been thinking about since dd showed up a year ago: we'd like to adopt again but are concerned about a few things, such as whether the next adoption will be as open, etc. One major question I'd like to pose here. Dh and I are rather light-skinned as black folk go ("passing the old paper bag test"). When we filled out our paperwork, we didn't think much about what our child would look like (other than that s/he'd be of african descent), but when she arrived, I was a bit startled that her family's skin tone fit ours exactly (I'll come back to this in a moment). After a year, people think dd is our birthchild, mostly because of the skin tone and the fact that our families resemble one another (all these years I thought black people didn't all look alike, I'm reevaluating this now ). My concern: we assumed that our children would look a bit different from us and were unprepared for the similarity. When we adopt the next child, what if this child is significantly darker in tone? (For most whites, and possibly most blacks, the skin tone is what is noticed immediately in determining whether the child "matches" the family). Mind you, we have no problem with our child's coloring. Both sides of our family are rather light skinned (way more whites in the family tree than we're comfortable acknowledging ), now dd's bfamily looks like our family-what's it like for the next child, who may not look like our family and will really stand out? This is a bit different than a white family adopting a child of color for many reasons which I won't go into here. since color (and hair texture) are sooo "important" to the aa community, what's it like if you don't have your family as your refuge? if everyone points out that you look different (and darker, with all the negatives that may follow?)

my plan isn't to ask if we can get a light skinned child , but to anticipate what some of the issues might be and some experiences dealing with them. I hope i've explained this well-i don't want this to across in an unintended way. I just know how brutal people can be about color, both aa and white, and I'm not sure if having a bunch of folks, who look very diff from you, keep telling you how you look just fine plays well or believably. okay enough babbling, would like to hear your comments and advice.

lisa

[leaabc123]

Hmm, I will try to respond as best as I can, not being AA myself.

Sometimes, within one AA family, skin tones can vary greatly or not at all. How does your family feel about adoption in general? Have you discussed the different possibilities with them?

[Kelli]

Lisa, I’m one who doesn’t necessarily believe that it’s “just a coincidence” that many of our children who came to us through matches, resemble us physically. Particularly, as it pertains to skin color. A part of me honestly believes (and I think our sw at the time hinted to it) that many AA bparents take the “skin color” aspect more into account and try to match up when they are looking for AA families for their AA children. I think they may also look a little harder at our family pictures in our profiles to see what’s going on there. I’ve just seen so many cases of “skin similarities” to not think there may be an element of truth to it. I am also light-skinned, my husband is a warm brown and my dd falls right in the middle. She also has beautiful dimples like my dh, a square jawline that also matches his, and a tall physique which also matches his. The only similarities between us I can claim is like most black folks we both have brown eyes and brown hair. Even still, I’ve had people who don’t know we're an afamily(acquaintances, teachers, etc.) tell me how much she looks like me. I think they’re just being nice though because they also like to say “You did all the work but she looks like her daddy spit her out.” If they only knew, yeah, I actually did "all" the work, but it's not what they're thinking. And I'm the one who wanted to "spit at him" at times to make him hurry on up. Once he got started though, I couldn't slow him down. I don’t think people immediately spot that we’re an afamily and we’ve gotten kind of used to the lack of attention on that front.

With that said, of course there are no guarantees that this will always be the case and if your next child looks a lot different then you three, then my guess is your family would be inclined to be a bit more of a curiosity to others. You would probably be fielding more adoption related questions and where did he/she get that pretty nose, hair, skin, etc., type stuff from adults. IMO, not a bad thing, (other then you might get tired of answering sometimes), but I don’t have much experience on that end. I also think most of the “brutal” stuff, would probably be coming out of the mouth of other children to your children. They can say some of the most horrible stuff sometimes. I’m certainly no expert and hence can’t offer you much advice (curious to hear what others have to say though), but I think it’s never too early to begin building confidence, and an appreciation of self that will aid in weathering any negative garbage that comes their way.

Good question.

Best wishes,

Kelli

[lambeausam]

I am in a similar situation. I am caucasian - medium tone with dark hair. My oldest son is dark complected due to a suspected Latino heritage. Sons #2 and #4 have my skin tone with light brown and medium brown hair, respectively. I have adopted through foster care and always assumed I would adopt children that were minority or multi-racial. Little did I know Son #3 was going to arrive. He is the half-sibling of one of my sons and is a pasty white boy I have gone through more sunscreen this summer than I have in the past three years! Anyway, even though his skin color is much lighter than anyone else in the family, he fits right in because he has facial similarities with his biological brother.

I think you have to make choices that are the best fit for your family. When I was "looking" for waiting children to adopt, I stayed away from the fair-complected children for the same reasons you are conveying.

Good luck!

Sam

[MMC66]

Here's my humble opinion: it's nice when adopted kids look like thir afamilies because then they arent bombarded with questions every day
BuT I have heard that sometimes it's nice to look different, then the adoption is automatically out in the open and you don't have to feel like you have a secret - that though you may look like a bio family, you really aren't. Does that make sense.

I guess it's hard to know exactly how a baby will "turn out" especially when there is multi-ethnic backgrounds. I would look more at the things that make Christiane's adoption so successful - the openness, how wel y'all get along etc etc. I think those things make a child feel more secure and special than any physical similarities or differences.

I worry about Addy being the only brown face in our pasty family. But then I see how much my older kids cherish her. I will do everything in my power to make sure she has lots of AA folks around her and can be really proud of who she is. I suppose deep down as parents we always hope what we give our kids will be enough on all sorts of levels.

Can't wait to follow your progress on baby #2!!!!!

Martha

[rastachris]

My DH is very mixed race. He has the lightest skin of all of his siblings and he is lighter-skinned than both of his parents. But being from a very ethnically diverse country (Trinidad is a mix of European, Hispanic, Black, Chinese, East Indian and Middle-Eastern cultures, among others), I don't think the differences in skin color between siblings and/or parents was an issue. I am white, but my father was dark-haired and olive complected, and my mom is blonde, fair and blue-eyed. My brother and I look very little like our mother in the way of coloring, but I don't think anyone ever questioned that we were her children.

I often think of The Cosby Show how all of their children were so many different colors. I recall hearing about how that was Cosby's intent to show the world just how many shades of black there are.

Besides, who's to say that if you and DH had a bio child together that he/she wouldn't be a few shades lighter or darker than you. I've often wondered that if Chris and I were to have had bio children what their skin color would have been. Genes are a funny thing.

I do understand your question and I don't think it offensive or anything. I hope you find the answer/comment/feedback you're seeking.

And good luck on your next adoption!

[LisaCA]

my family is pretty much like most middle class aa families: we talk a good game about how color doesn't really matter, but we know it does. many family members discuss "good hair" as if it were a fact, regardless of my lectures . I know much of my privilege in the white world stems from my light skin (and other things). I guess i'm concerned that my next child will feel alienated by the idea that his/her sister, also adopted, doesn't "look" adopted. Add to that the darker skin tone (a less valued skin tone) and you have some issues. anything we may say may sound like all your rich relatives telling you, the poor one, that money doesn't matter. Or a white family telling you, a black person, that race doesn't matter. the idea of us telling her/him that all shades of black are beautiful in a world (and in a black world) that values lightness, rings quite hollow.

I do know from my discussions with adoption personnel that many black families don't want a "dark" child, often asking for a "biracial" child. i do know that when we visited bdad and others, the many comments from his family were commenting on her coloring and her hair. This internalized racism is what I think will be problematic. I do agree with kelli that what made bmom pick us included a number of things that were similar between us, and that probably included, consciously or unconsciously, coloring.

and funny about the cosby show. I just saw the coloring issue as a lot of crap, as well as the idea that he was a doc and she was a lawyer, but they did no work and had no nanny, but were the typical middle class family-right.

the caribbean is riddled with issues of race and hierarchy, each island with its own problematic cocktail. I do know about haiti, the domincan republic, puerto rico, the bahamas and antigua, all have hierarchies based on coloring. don't know about trinidad.

anyway, just thinking aloud. I know we've been asked if dd was biracial, I just firmly say "no". We've also wondered what we'd do if the next child isn't viewed as attractive like dd-though less of a problem since I have many unattractive relatives (not dh and I of course ).

[leaabc123]

As a white kid, I had the unique experience of growing up the only white kid in a neighborhood of Latinos and AAs. I would walk into the stores and people would assume I was hispanic and would speak to me in spanish and I didn't understand a word.

My best friend happened to be a girl who was AA but very light skinned. She got teased by the other kids for wanting to be white and I got teased because I was.

I remember the discussions about hair and skin color being very hurtful to my friend, as well as others. Ot is sad that these issues are still alive and well.

Our household currently consists of myself, DP who is samoan and japanese and our 2 AA girls. All except one placement so far have been AA. DP looks more samoan while her sibling looks more japanese. her sibling married an AA man and ther kids do have varying skin tones and hair types.

Even in Hawaii, where there are people of many different races. There can be problems in the local areas for people who are AA or white (I don't mean th touristy areas).

[SavannahGirl]

Prior to dd's placement, similar thoughts crossed my mind. It was one of the reasons that I didn't select biracial when filling out the homestudy paperwork. (The other being that it was my belief that there was already a larger pool of potential aparents waiting for biracial babies than for AA babies.) I too thought about what it would be like for a child who looked significantly different to be constantly bombarded with questions.

DD's complexion and some of her features are very similar to mine. Our match was an agency pick. I don't think dd's bmom saw my profile. My agency matches singles with babies whose bparents do not want to select a family since singles are less likely to be chosen from a profile and are usually on the waiting list the longest. I happened to be the first single on the list with completed paperwork when dd became available to be adopted. So I have to believe there was some divine intervention involved in matching us. I get comments all the time about how much dd looks like me. Even had a family member ask if I was sure one of dd's bparents was not one of our relatives.

I think this issue will be a bit easier for us because I am single. If I adopt another child who looks significantly different, strangers will assume that the child looks like her father. DD has a dimple in her chin. I've already been asked a few times by people who did not know she was adopted, if her father has a dimple. That is usually my lead in to bring up that she is adopted. Which I do gladly now, because the more AA folks that see successful adoptions the better. Hopefully it will encourage those who have thought about it. But I'm not sure if I will be so quick to bring this up when she's older. Of course we will openly discuss adoption within our family. But I want to respect her feelings and her privacy. Hopefully I will instill enough confidence that she will openly discuss it with others as well. I guess this is one more thing to worry about.

Lisa, I have no doubt that you will be able to handle the situation that you describe. It may not be as easy as your current adoption but I'm sure you'll be able to make it work.

[redhedded]

Frankly, Lisa, I think children get the messages that adults send them; we, as parents, are responsible for those messages and who we permit to provide them, at an early age at least. My ex boyfriend and his family (nearly husband, though that is another story ), all from Anguilla, had skin tones as varied as the Cosby family, very dark to very light; raised there and in Great Britian, the differences (even between siblings) were entirely a non issue.

Any family who adopts, regardless of the race of the child, has the potential for one child to resemble the parents while the other does not. I certainly understand your concern, but. . .

This internalized racism is what I think will be problematic

While so many people's confidence and esteem is affected by centuries of racism and white standard, you CAN ensure that your child does not experience this until she goes out into the world independently (at preschool ); by then her self esteem and confidence will be so great that she will be taken aback by such mentality and surely able to explain that "that view" is not what we do. My daughter goes to a very diverse school; while there are not many African Americans, there are many children whose parents are Haitian or from Africa. My daughter is very confident about saying 'so and so has beautiful dark brown skin just like mine and very curly hair just like mine.' She is not yet three and made these observations entirely independently.

Not a single AA friend of ours has ever discussed skin tone (other than within a sociological context) or hair texture in a "better than" or "less than" manner. Each is proud and fully embraces herself, especially natural hair. A woman approached me once (actually it has happened twice); she was AA and proceeded to comment that my dd had 'awful hair' like her own. I quickly and kindly explained that my dd's hair is beautiful, that I wish my own were like it and that in our lives we appreciate everyone's traits for the differences rather than the similarities. (okay I probably showed a wee bit of Irish indignation with her and snarled as I walked away.)

We've also wondered what we'd do if the next child isn't viewed as attractive

Well, I, with the most charming, beautiful and sociable child in the world, was concerned about how a second child might feel in her shadow, skin color completely aside. These things work themselves out, as my son is just as beautiful, and possibly more charming and sociable than my daughter. I was far more worried about how I could EVER love another child as much as the first one. Your heart just opens up and you do; it is inexplicable.

Awareness and conscientious parenting is the key; you have got that! Try not to worry so much

[redhedded]

I forgot one thing; people do not always "see" what you think they might see. My friend, AA, raised in Beverly Hills, asked me about my dd's birth; she was, with all sincerity, completely floored when I explained that dd was adopted. My asthma specialist, whom I have been treated by for many many years, asked me upon my recent visit if both of my children were vaginal births. He is a brilliant board certified Fellow in the American Association of Pulmonologists. My response was, "Dr. ___, are you serious?" He was. While skin tones most certainly vary tremendously, I do not think that I could have given birth to these children.

[LisaCA]

african americans don't usually air our dirty laundry in public, so I doubt any of your friends would bring up skin tone or hair texture in front of you. Now amongst ourselves, these things do come up. And most of these problems truly surface after they leave the parents' protection, usually when they attend school. The message is sent by the time they leave elementary school.

I should add that, while i'm not sure what you look like, if you're red haired and very fair and your partner were say, nigerian or sudanese, yes, these could be your birthchildren.

[redhedded]

Actually, I do not think so. We have friends, one is Sudanese and the other Scottish; their children do NOT look like my children, though I am certainly aware that genes are funny things. Lisa, your's is an interesting view; such discussions, racial, political and religious are very common in our group; no discussion would be "dirty laundry" because we have had hundreds that are far more "controversial" than that. These are friends of much more than a decade, and we hold nothin back. On that note, I will bow out of this discussion.

[LisaCA]

red, I didn't mean to drive you from this discussion (if that's what I've done).

and I can match you: i went to grad school with a woman who was half nigerian, half english, and her skin tone was slightly darker than your daughter in your avatar. I guess it depends upon what's thrown together in the mix. Nigerians and sudanese, examples that I picked, vary tremendously in looks.

I can't speak for your friends-you know them better than I do. I'm glad you have a group of friends that you feel you can have open discussions with. while i discuss many things with my non-black friends, I don't generally discuss things like this. too much educating required to get the discussion off the ground, imho, though I could be wrong.

[lisa in venice]

When Nathan was placed I didn't really think about it and just settled into being a mom. He was fairly light "skin-ded" and passed the "test". We were open to all children with AA heritage but we got one who no one would know was adopted. With #2 we were again matched with a mixed race child, darker than the first but still could easily be a child that dh and I made. It was only in the seach for #4 that I really started thinking about skin color and African features. All of my kids are obviously mixed and would it be fair to bring one kid who would obviously look adopted.

The other issue that was more complex when I was actually faced with it was would I want another dd who was much more African looking to live her life being compared to Rachel. I know how things are in the AA community. I grew up being the light brown girl who had "alot of hair" but not "good hair". Could I protect a little girl from that kind of stuff. I went to meet a young couple who were thinking about placing their six month old baby girl. This little one was as cute as a button but so different from my other kids. I wondered what it would be like for her to grow up in this family? As it turned out the sitauion was not a good one for other reasons and within a week wehad the lead on Miranda. Ironically I worry about her feeling like she is too fair. Life has interesting complications doesn't it?