[Lexie]

I am more than a bit frustrated. We were turned down by an agency that has almost ALL mixed race situations because they said that they did not feel we would meet any of the PBmom's requirements ( it was a form letter). What is worse is that I am AA/Asian and my husband is CA. They have a situation for a baby that is AA/Asia/CA. How often do you see that? But we are not what they are looking for. The PBmom was open to any race so they have other couples that will consider this case. All of the couples that are on their site are CA, except one ( which is matched). On their website and claim they are looking for AA parents or couples with at least one AA parent. It really upsets me. All of the children are mixed and then they won't take us!!!!! ugh...... Another agency told me that whenever a PBmom states that she is open to any race that there is no effort to show her AA or inter-racial couples, that they then take race out of the equation. After all of the disappointments of IF, I thought at last this would be easier.....ugh...sorry to just vent....but its one of those days......ugh

The struggle goes on.....
Lexie

[redhedded]

Lexie, Ugh! I know it does not make you feel better, but I am sorry! I know that during our investigation/research stage of adoption we found that the number one criteria of many agencies/facilitators was religion - Christianity to be specific. While I know that is an area that is very very important to some expectant mothers considering placement, I know that each agency probably had other pbirthmothers who had zero interest in one's religious affiliation. It is unfortunate that you would be the perfect choice for some woman and are not given the chance by agency policy. Keep looking; I promise you that you will find an agency that will be thrilled to work with you.

[Guspiv]

Were you turned down by the agency or the situation particularly? If you were turned down by the agency I would ask why. ASk for specifics, was there something in your backround check, or something. Because to turn you down because of race (or religion) seems wrong to me, I dont know. Did you say you live in California?

[Sleeplvr]

Lexie

I have noticed that there is a trend in some agencies to play matchmaker. They try to direct a pbmom to a particular family or families. Because CC couples wait the longest for placements they are going to try and match them first. It makes their placement numbers look better. I can’t believe that you don’t meet the criteria of any of their pbmom’s. I would call that agency back and ask for a specific reason why. A form letter is unacceptable. They owe you that information because if it is true, it might affect you taking placement from another agency.

[LadyBugz]

You know, we got a form letter the other day from Verizon thanking us for our service and wishing us well with our new carrier. We hadn't switched to anyone or cancelled service! We got a phone call several days later asking us to disregard the form letter that was sent by mistake.

Without knowing what exactly their policy is, you cannot know if you fit it. I would wonder if maybe the form letter got sent by mistake.

I, too, would call and say exactly what you say here: they have mixed race babies, and one specifically that is AA/Asian/CA, which is exactly what your family is. But you were confused by this letter, so you thought surely it must have been a mistake. If they tell you then that it isn't, you can give them a real thrashing!!

[joskimo]

We're a multiracial family (not AA), and went w/a facilitator that specializes in AA and BiR placements. I'd be happy to share w/ you if you are interested in contacting them. We were matched in 7 weeks and our daughter was born 7 weeks later.

[Lexie]

Hi-
well, we sure did try to call. We called and called and called. We got everyone, but someone who could tell us something about why we were turned down. Finally I got so upset, I told my DH he had to call. Funny, they were able to find him someone who could say something about our situation--anyway---He was told that they do not work with non-Americans. He told them that I am American and my husband is French--but that we had contacted several lawyers in the US and they told us that finalizing an adoption in the US was not a problem. Further I am a California resident and the PBmom we are interested in is in Cal. So it would be a very easy state for us to finalize in. So----- they said they would reconsider. Two days later-----you guessed it---another form letter. When we called yet again--the only they would say is that they do not feel that we meet the criteria of the PBmoms they are working with----ugh.

Its sooooooooooo frustrating. I just want that PBmom to know we exist and that we are interested---ugh

Thanks for your support and understanding--
Lexie

[DianeScraps]

Sounds to me more like that agency doesn't know for sure what to do - so they are taking the 'easy' answer and saying no. Unfortunately that seems to happen WAY too much these days.

Hugs

Diane

[Brat]

y'know, i'd be interested to know whether that pbmom is already matched, and they're presenting the situation as available to attract p-aparents. i kept seeing all these biracial situations on the website of a facilitator we were seriously considering. one was a particularly uncommon combination of ethnicities so it stood out to me. come to find out that someone in these forums who i knew was working with that facilitator had matched with that situation. it remained on their site as an available situation. the baby was born and mother decided not to place. that situation remained on their website as available, even as the p-amom was sharing her grief here. the facilitator updated their site almost daily, so the fact that the situation remained was suspicious to me.

meanwhile, i was receiving all this pressure from them to register (read: pay in full, upfront) with them. i sent an email asking a specific question: how many pbmoms are working with you who are carrying biracial children? they could not give me a straight answer. so i asked a different way, and the obtuse non-answer they gave me was nevertheless clear. the answer was: none. yet all these situations were on their website. someone told me later that the website lists "examples" of potential situations. that's a crock because they use language such as "birthmom is looking for..." and you think, "that's me!" and fork over a check to meet *that* pbmom.

i never heard from them anymore once i asked that question. sound slightly familiar?

[Lexie]

It does sound familiar. Sometimes I wonder if any agency/facilitator ( fill in the blank) wants to do this for the right reasons. It feels like such a "scheme" sometimes. The "business" of adoption is really discouraging .....ugh

[Linny]

It feels like such a "scheme" sometimes. The "business" of adoption is really discouraging .....ugh

It IS a scheme....and if you aren't careful, it's quite easy to get caught up in the business and unethical practices of many agencies and facilitators (especially facilitators).

I would guess that there just might be another reason they are not working with you....but certainly they don't want to express this. Are you looking for 'just THIS one mixture of races' for a baby?
I do know of an agency (and I suspect there are others)...who will not allow prospective couples to 'join' when they will take a specific 'mixture' of a certain race----but will not consider or take a full AA baby.

Just wondering. If this isn't the reason, I'd be finding another agency, and forget these people!

Sincerely,

Linny

[Net933]

Lexi,

I can't believe what you guys are going through. It is sooooo unfair. But don't give up. I'm also AA/Asain. I'm single. Of course in my heart I would like a baby that is just like me. I know there are not too many mixed babies with Asian in them out there. In California there may be some. I deceided that I will take either a full African American baby or bi-racial. I think that bi-racial would resemble me more. I leave it in God's hands. I do know that because I'm open to Full African American and bi-racial that agencies want me because there is a shortage for those families.

Did you say that you guys are going through a facilitator or an agency? I personally think agency is better. They cannot descriminate because of your race. If you guys are with a facilitator I wouldn't keep them after what they are putting you guys through. If you are with an agency, I would find another agency.

Lexi, what kind of child are you guys open to. Any agency should accept you guys with any child you are open to. They can let you know that you may wait longer for a certain mix child or full Caucasian child. They will also tell you if you are open to full African American or bi-racial this will lessen your wait time. You guys are a multi racial family. I think that any b mother would chose you guys if she is having a bi-racial or multi racial child.

My heart goes out to you guys, but don't give up. There are sooooo many other agencies that are out there. Ask for their information packet and read it closely. Now with the new MEPA act (multi ethnic placement act) they cannot disrcimate against you because of race.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you. It's nice to know you are also AA/Asian. What a beautiful combination! (smile)

Net

[79nic]

Lexie,

No one has brought up MEPA yet, so I thought I'd throw this out there....

You mentioned that when a pbirthmom is open to any race of aparents, the agency makes no effort to present her with AA (or biracial) aparents, even if her baby is AA/biracial.

Well, legally, that is what the agency HAS to do. Aparents are allowed to consider what race child they'll accept, and bparents are allowed to consider what race family they want to place their child with, but it is AGAINST THE LAW for the agency to consider race when placing a child/looking for a match if the aparents and bparents haven't stated a preference.

Second, pbmoms have all kinds of criteria.... race being low on the list for many of us. If I were you, I'd ask WHAT criteria you don't meet. Are you willing to do an open adoption? Are you planning on working when you have a child? (Maybe all their pbmoms want SAHM's.) Etc.

I really think if you ask what criteria you aren't meeting, that that's going to give you a better idea of some other things you might need to be willing to reconsider.

HTH.

Good luck.

Nicole

[Lexie]

Hi Net--
Nice to meet you. Yes there aren't that many AA/Asians around. Good luck in your adoption quest and thanks for your encouragement.

Nicole ,
thanks for yo ur response as well. As I mentioned, the agency sent a form letter and would not say what doesn't not fit "all" of their PBmoms requirements ( not just the one we inquired about). It was very frustrating. Although racial heritage might not be important to you, I would think that many if not most AA or biracial people would disagree. I would say that as an AA ( and also mixed race) person, heritage is certainly an important factor and to not consider it at all I think is wrong. I think many PBmoms are pushed into stating that they have no preference because many agencies do not have many or any AA or inter-racial couples. I think a P mom would like to know that a family exists with the same background as her baby having such a unique heritage and then she can make the choice. Here the agency will not even show us, and will only respond with a form letter and I think that is wrong.

I appreciate everyone that took the time to share their thoughts with me--
cheers,
Lexie