[kkwgene]

It's shocking to me to be writing this note. After months of waiting to be approved, my dh and I get the great news last Tuesday evening. On Wed afternoon, our agency finds us a birthmom. However, she is having a lot of financial issues which requires a great deal of money from us. She's not due until Feb. I have spent hours on the phone and in person with her. Though she's a decent, wonderful woman she needs a lot of emotional support. I'm actually afraid I don't have the stamina to handle this. Has anyone had an experience like this?

[michellemartin]

its not the first time I've read a post like yours. Your not alone in your feelings. The advice given last time was basically, if it doesnt feel right, dont do it. I would suggest putting a limit on aid you are willing to give a prebirthmom. For one if she changes her mind it is non refundable. For another, it could be seen as coercion if you "help" to much. Financially that is. Never give cash. Any time you pay a bill pay directly to the company it is to go to. If she needs groceries, get a card for her at a grocery store that doesnt sell liquor or cigarettes if at all possible, or go with her. Um, thats all for my advice...

[enerad]

I personally experience this last spring. The expectant mom would call and we would jump. What was orignally presented to us as expense change on a weekly bases. The situation was difficult, and in the process she lost her mom, and she needed a dress for a funeral. How could I say "No"? So off to Mervins I would go, "How much?" We would talk to our professionals and they would say... it's only a few dollars. The more we gave, the more she took, it went from the dress, to paying for her storage unit because she couldn't lose her posessions. The original plan was rent, food stipend until food stamps kicked in, and a small clothing expense for before and after. She never followed through on the food stamps, and there were always excuses.

We being kind, and caring people, keeped question, but I would call my husband, and he would go pick up a gift certificate for extra food.

Then... the day the baby was born. She told the hosptial she wasn't following through with the adoption plan, and we never heard from her again.

On the postive... what worse could we have done, provide some shelter, food, and comfort for a woman in need. But... the whole situation made us not trusting anymore with the system, and in our current situation, we are having our professional doing more of meeting the expectant mothers need prior to us getting involved. Our emotions were too attached to the idea of bring a baby home, and we at the time would do anything. Now... we are being a bit cautious before we begin writing the checks. I realize now... don't allowing anyone to press urgency on you. Take time to think about each thing before you write the check.

Hope that helps!

[kkwgene]

Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate the advice. I have put a firm cap on the amount of money...it's the emotional stuff that's wearing me down. However, the money thing is a huge concern as well. I'm not sure if she is the right birthmom for me. The match meeting is next Wed so I have a week to decide. Again, thanks for all the advice.