[mykidsmom1]

Has anyone read the poem by Antwon Fisher “Who will cry for the little boy”?

Although I am new to this particular thread, I am not new to the forum. I usually post in the Special needs thread. My husband and I are in the matching stage of our adoption process in which we anticipate that we will be matched very soon. Yiiiiiiippppiii!!!! Our entire adoption process from the application to the matching process has only been 3 ½ months. Caseworkers are literally fighting over our home study. What makes all this so very unbelievable? Well we only want to adopt males between the ages of 4-11 and only a sibling group of 2. Why? Because at this age group, number of siblings needing to be placed together, the fact that they are boys and most importantly they are AA, it more than likely these kids will never be adopted and will age out of the system. We cut our adoption process down to 1/3 of what others have to go through to adopt any infant. My question is…
Why aren’t their more AA families willing to adopt older kids with the only special need is being AA?
I have read the majority of post is this thread and everyone seems to be opting for newborns and girls. Don’t get me wrong your preference is your own. We have a beautiful 16 year old bio daughter, I have been through the diapers, daycare terrible two’s first day of kindergarten, and all of the other events that would be missed by not adopting an infant with her and they were wonderful years that I would repeat in an instant so I can understand wanting a newborn. But I just wander is it a matter of wanting to be a parent or a matter of wanting to parent newborn? Just wandering> Who will cry for the little boy?

[Guspiv]

Let me start by saying that I can only speak for myself and not the entire African American community. So expect to get varying answers to your question, because there is no one answer. I can not consider myself a representative of the masses.

You state a question that I have asked myself. I understand that the need for adoptive parents for older African American children (particularly boys) is very great. At the same time AA infants are hard to place also. It is my desire to adopt an infant and would consider adopting an older child in the future.

I guess that it is not particularly and African American issue, because there are a lot of older Caucasian children in foster care also. I believe that PEOPLE in general regardless of race, tend to have the desire to mother or shall I say parent a child from infancy. Just as you have mothered your natural child and experienced terrible two's and potty training, 1st day of school etc. that is my desire. But I have not totally ruled out mothering an older child.

[Kelli]

Like Guspiv, I can only speak for myself and not for the whole AA community, however, I think part of the answer to your question is engrained in your post -

. . . I have been through the diapers, daycare terrible two's first day of kindergarten, and all of the other events that would be missed by not adopting an infant with her and they were wonderful years . . .

These are the same types of events that many of us wish to experience too! I definitely wanted to be a first time parent to a baby or newborn and didn't care at all which sex. If you look back 16 years ago to when you had your daughter (I don't mean to be a smart aleck. I'm hopefully just trying to ask about what may be some similiar feelings), would you have, or were you considering doing an older child adoption? I know there are people who do adopt older children the first go round, but I also know that many women wish to experience all the stages from infancy to adulthood. I also think these feelings are fairly universal amongst all women, not just AA's. Didn't a lot of us play with dolls and love touching and holding real life babies as we were growing up? I think the fascination and conditioning starts pretty early. I can't remember a time when I didn't dream of someday having a baby to love and raise. My 2 1/2 year old daughter already loves looking at babies! The other night I had to pull her out of the restaurant restroom screaming and crying because she wanted to stay in there and stare at a 6 week old infant that was being changed. She shrieks in delight every time she sees a baby on T.V. and her favorite toys right now are her baby dolls and carriage.

Now that we have experienced infancy and toddlerhood, we actually did have a conversation recently about doing an older child adoption (definitely a boy or sibling group) but we would still like to wait some years so our daughter would remain the oldest. I don't think we would have gotten to this point without first having experienced the various stages with our daughter just as you did.

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[mykidsmom1]

Ladies, Please don’t take my post the wrong way. I merely want to get a take on why more AA families ( To be politically correct I should say AA/C families)tend to want newborns as apposed to older children. It was not my intent to be intensive as to whom one chooses to parent. My main concern is the waiting period and heartache that I see so many moms to be go through for a newborn baby and to bring awareness to those that may give up the wait and not know that there are older kids with less of a wait. I asked if it was a matter of being a parent or a matter of parenting a newborn for the purpose of wanting to know what motivates us to want to parent. Is it the nurturing of a newborn? Is it wanting to get up 3,4 and perhaps 5 times a night for the late feedings? Is it wanting to see their first steps etc.? Or would you opt to skip the diapers, skip the colic skip the enormous daycare bills and go for the kid who can fix their own pb&j sandwich? I apologize if I offended anyone.

[Kelli]

. . . and I'm so sorry if my post came off sounding that way. I was merely trying to say that the reasons that you included in your original post and your subsequent one for that matter, are in fact, some of the reasons why I believe many couples choose infant/baby adoptions. I understand what you're saying about the waiting period and heartache, and fortunately we didn't experience any of that because we had our daughter less then a week after completing our homestudy. And to be honest, I very rarely hear about AA families seeking AA babies that have had to wait much more than a year. Usually when I hear about "waiting and heartache" it's from people seeking CC infants.

I don't really have an across the board answer on what makes people want to have children and/or parent, however, it's my personal belief that it is a strong desire that was placed in our hearts during creation. Without it, we would be a world consisting of two.

I think this is a great question and I'd love to see answers from others.

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[toyjsu]

We are requesting a child(ren) age 0-3 years because we have a 4 year old daughter. We want her to be the oldest. We don't think it is fair to change her birth order. Our daughter is also obsessed with babies. She watches Adoption Story. She cries to be near babies we see in public. She asks for "a baby sista peas". If we did not have her, we would consider an older child. We actually considered an older child last summer. Unfortunately his past history was pretty bad. It would have been unsafe to have him in our home with our small child. Hearing his past just broke my heart. He seems to be one of those children who will be doomed to live in the foster system for the rest of his life. I feel in love with him as soon as I saw his picture.

I am with you on this. I wish more AA parents would consider an older child. But, I have had the opportunity to give birth and watch my child grow. Some still need that new beginning stage. I think some of the reasons that more people don't adopt is the sterotype that goes along with older child adoption. People are afraid of not being able to handle an older child, there is the myth that "they will kill you in your sleep " (society has proven that biological kids will do this), they are juvenile delinquents, and you will never bond. These are just some of the comments I heard from other AA when I talked to them about our desire to adopt. I have seen some older child adoptions work out. I think once we get past some of these stereotypes the sooner these kids will find good homes. I wish the AA coummunity was better educated about adoption. Now I don't want to take away from the reality of an older child adoption. People can't expect these children to just fall in to their arms and be greatful to have a home. They have been let down by adults in their lives who were suppose to love them. I understand it can be a slow and trying process. Some of them do have disorders such as RAD. It is a scary disorder. This disorder goes across racial lines. It is very important to get as much info as possible.

Good luck to you all who can adopt an older child, I wish I could. I look longly at some of the photolistings of older children and wish I could bring them all home to live with us. My husband thinks I'm crazy.


Toy

[Linny]

Please excuse me.......because we're not AA. I hope, even so, that I might be able to give some personal insight into your question.
Our two youngest babies are AA....one having been adopted 'right from the hospital'....the other having been an older baby adoption (just less than one year)....and our two oldest children (adopted as infants--now grown) are Korean and Japanese. One was adopted at 7.5 months, while the other was adopted at 'just under one month'.

In between the two oldest and the two youngest, are three 'older child adoptions'. Two are CC, the other is multi-racial, it would seem. All three are boys. One was adopted as a single child. The other two were part of a sib group. The 'single child'...now lives in residential and will age out there due to dangerous and unpredictable behaviors to himself and others. He had just turned seven when he came to us. His story is much more involved than this, but I won't write it here.
The sib group came to us, having 'just turned three years and not long having been six years old'.
I can say, that from our experience, we chose to 'go back to private, infant adoption'.......when realizing that regardless of the age, it seems that children from the foster/adopt system have issues that remain. We were taught in our classes, that there are no children classified as special needs, based on race alone.
I would also say that we were one such family who felt that 'older child adoptions' were the way to go. Our opinion has changed greatly; having realized that the issues---even with the three year old, who was removed from his home at the age of nine days---continues to have issues, as does his brother.

We kept thinking---as we were told---that with 'love and patience and permanence'......these children would abandon many of their issues and 'even out'. After six years with the sib group, I can state that this is not the case. We love them dearly, but the issues have a way of surfacing again, just when you think 'they' have become resolved.
As far as the seven year old......he lived in our home for four years, before being admitted into residential (RTC). It was a horrible time for our entire family.
I honestly think that the reason families shy away from older child adoptions, is because they realize it is much more than parenting a child. For us, it has become a sort of 'counseling/parenting mode'.....which often leaves us feeling like we can't completely bond with them--and this doesn't come from our lack of trying. It seems sometimes, that they will never fully 'adopt us'.......or fully attach.
We are well versed in attachment disorders. All of the older child adoptions have gone to counseling...and the door for counseling is always open to attend whenever we/they feel it necessary.
But, adopting older kids has its own set of 'concerns', if you will. It definately takes a totally different frame of mind, in my opinion. This isn't to say that it's 'less than'..........but certainly much more involved than infant adoptions, as far as our experience has shown us.

Again, I hope I haven't offended anyone, having replied when you were asking for AA families. But, we are a blended family, having come from the 'different ages of children when adopted, and different ethnicities'.
Sincerely,

Linny

[mykidsmom1]

We chose to adopt an older sib group that would otherwise not be adopted or remain together…for that purpose only. My father was adopted at an early age and never got over the fact that he was separated from his siblings who remained together. These were feelings that he took to his grave. We are being considered for a sib group of 1 and 2 years old. We toyed with the idea for just a minute and figured that their chances of being adopted together and soon would be greater than that of older sibs.

It seems that each of us, no matter what age range we choose to adopt, all have the same thing in common… that is to be a parent. whether it comes from natural birth, adoption of an infant or an older child. In whichever situation we choose, we all endure the happy times, the sad times, the I just want to give up times, the I must be crazy times and all the other times good or bad. I think the kinship between us is one… What we ultimately want is to parent.

Linny, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I should have included all families in this discussion. A parent is a parent.

We are all truly blessed.

[Tae]

I felt that I should respond to your question even though I think I'll probably get some negative response. I am one of those AA parents who will only consider adopting a healthy newborn AA baby (from hospital or only a few days). My reasons are very selfish. Since my child will not be spending it's first 9 months of creation with me, I feel that it is very important that our child be placed with us as soon as possible. I simply don't want a child who has been through foster care. While I know there are many wonderful caring foster parents, I am also smart enough to know that there are some that are not so wonderful. I feel real stupid for making this next statement, but I just don't want a child who may have been exposed to some things that I wouldn't have wanted my child exposed to. This just isn't coming out just right so I'd better stop there.

Also, remember that many (not all) people are adopting because of infertility. So, many of us have spent at least 2 years yearning for pregnancy and the whole bit. That's 2 years of watching our friends get pregnant, have showers, give birth, and rejoice over their child. So, I think that we're due to at least not be called on the fact that we want newborns.

Just to lighten the mood, I have an aunt who couldn't have children due to cancer. She's cured now and she and her husband are living swell. When I told her that I was considering adopting a newborn, she was thrilled and shared with me that she had often considered adopted an older child. She also went on to mention that she admired the fact that I was actually doing it instead of sitting on it the way she had. Then she jokes that when we adopt our newborn child, she's going to adopt a 14 year old to babysit. I couldn't help but smile and laugh about that possibility.

Okay guys, please go easy on me. I truly am just getting through the mourning phase of infertility.

[Linny]

Tae:
Don't be so hard on yourself. What you have written seemed to come right from the heart......and you have brought up some very valid points!
We didn't have an issue with infertility; but I can respect those that do and have felt that it was something they had to deeply contend with.

I hope that you receive your little one very soon.....as I hope anyone else who is hoping and praying 'gets their call' very, very soon. I know, from experience, that the waiting is agonizing....no matter what age of child we are waiting for.
Here's to a quicker path to all those diaper changes!!!!

Most sincerely,

Linny

[redhedded]

I don't think anyone will judge your choice or path and frankly, I admire your honesty. I hope that your wait is a short one.

My kidsmom1: I think Kelli and Guspiv said it well. Just like you experienced, we wanted to get up every hour during the night for feedings, we wanted to change diapers, snuggle, read and send our child off to kindergarten. We are young (okay, well not so young) first time parents and wanted to parent a baby, to be placed as soon as possible. Our peanut came home from the hospital with us 19 months ago. Yes, there is a great need for homes for children of all races in the system. I have tremendous respect and admiration for those who take that path. Adoption through the state is often a very lengthy and difficult process, so different from voluntary infant placement. Many states require the willingness to be foster parents first, something that we felt strongly we were unable to do at this time. There is often years of supervision by state workers, something that certainly would not be intimidating for most of us but is glaringly different from the traditional family experience.

I have worked as a social worker for 10 years and believe that a child is rarely, if ever, categorized as special needs solely because of his race. Certainly age is a factor because it becomes less likely that permanent placement will occur. Regardless of whether a child is developmentally or physically disabled, being removed combined with years of transitioning, placement in new and unfamiliar circumstances, periods of time without significant unconditional love and support begins to take its toll on a child's emotional stamina and spirit. Can it be healed? Of course, it can; there are dozens of parents on this forum to testify to that. The results came as no accident; I think many (certainly not everyone has the experience to which I refer) would tell you that they read, took classes, used trial and error. The creation of strong familial mutually trusting relationships took strength, time, energy, communication and a tremendous commitment, which of course, are elements of parenting all children, combined with a sense of conviction of spirit that this was the path intended for them, just as ours was for us.

So yes, we wanted so to be parents. We did not struggle with infertility and chose adoption as our first path but wanted a newborn.

[toyjsu]

Tae

I don't think you have said anything that anyone should attack you over. I have felt some of the same things you have mentioned. We are foster parents. We don't currently have any placements. We have had the opportunity to have a biological child. We have recently developed fertility problems. Yes, I would love to adopt a baby. But at this point, I just want another child in this house. Right now we are doing a homestudy with an agency. We are going to try to adopt through the state until we can save up the $4000 to do a newborn adoption. If we adopt through the state I am going to be quite cautious. As a foster parent I have seen the damage that can be done in the system. But, after reading some of the post in this website I have learned that there are no guarantees. Good luck, I hope you get placed very soon. I don't mind the bottles and midnight wake ups. I have, however, grown accustomed to a potty trained preschooler.

Toya

[Aneni]

"Why aren’t their more AA families willing to adopt older kids with the only special need is being AA?"

The unintended implication in the question may be that there *are* a sufficient number of CC families who *are* willing to adopt older CC kids. Or that AA families have a "responsibility to their 'people''' to "save" 'their' older kids in foster care. [Please know that I don't say this in a confrontational way.] We know there aren't enough CC families willing to adopt older kids. And AA families who wish to adopt are no different than CC families who wish to adopt - most want to adopt healthy infants. Most had a dream of bearing an infant themselves, and when they found they couldn't do so, they sought the adoption of an infant.

Also, according to anecdotaL information I received from a caseworker in my state is that when kids are removed from a home, the relatives of the AA kids are more likely to step in than their CC counterparts. Again, this is anecdotal information only and I cannot back it up with statistics.

Respectfully,

[Guspiv]

Trully it takes honesty to speak from your heart like that. Aneni girl you truly hit the nail on the head.

[crysmith]

My husband and I are both AA and will be adopting a newborn AA child. We don't have a gender preference. My reason is quite simple....

This is my first child and I want to experience ALL that comes with being a parent. The good, bad, and the ugly. I want to experience this from the beginning (a newborn).

The second or third adoption may be an older child but as my DH tells me so often, "lets see how this one goes." :-)

I too would like to see more AA families adopt AA children PERIOD. I really don't care about the age....I just want to see more families making this decision. You'd be surprised (then again maybe you wouldn't) by the number of people who say to me "that's an honorable thing your doing...I just couldn't raise other folks children." It amazes me because the idea of "raising other folks children" is so much a part of our history and our heritage....

I'm enjoying decorating the nursery, buying baby clothes, trying to figure out if I will be a stay-at-home mom or not, looking into daycare, etc.... This is a rode that biological mothers must travel and it's an experience I am truly enjoying as a soon to be adoptive parent. Sure the wait is NO FUN AT ALL, but as my grandpa always said "anything worth having is worth waiting for...."