[Nuallain]

Sorry for cross-posting however some others thought it might be a good idea to post to this forum also to see what experiences other have had.

My wife and I are beginning the adoption process. We have just submitted our paperwork but we have not settled on the type of child that we would like to adopt. We know that we are looking for a child with few disabilities but race seems to be a problem that we are struggling with. We live in upstate NY where there are few if any African American families and even fewer families of mixed race. My wife is concerned about alot of the repercussions that might ensue such as the new child being picked on, my current son being picked on, fights, general meanness from people that see a white family with a black child.

What experiences have you had and what advice can you offer us?

Thank you very much,
Pat

[Aida]

Hi! I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but

Why is the *skin color* so important?? It shouldn't matter if your child is AA, CC, Hispanic, Native American or or or ....

We all should feel more than blessed to have the opportunity to adopt children!!! Children are GIFTS!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Aida

[Rainbow mom]

Aida,

In a perfect world skin color would not be an issue. However, children and adults can be very cruel and to have a child that stands out due to the color of his skin would be an invitation to mark him as different. Right or wrong that's how it is.

If you plan to adopt children of other races I think you should live in a multicultural environment. I think moving to a neighborhood where there is a good racial mix is healthier and alot more fun for multiracial families. You can be a leader in teaching your child about ethnicity.

[Nuallain]

Aida,

I couldn't agree more. Skin color shouldn't matter but it does to some people. I continue to hear from people snide remarks about people of different races even after I have told them that I don't agree with their points of view and would appreciate it if they stop. Unfortunately I work with them so I continue to bump into them.

I don't want my kids to have to put up with that garbage. I think that it is an inevitibility though. You are always going to find someone that refuses to join the 21st century.

Pat

[Michelle 053002]

My daughter is only 13 months old so please keep that in mind. We live in a conservative part of Pa with very few to no black families in our neighborhood. Our daughter has been accepted in the neighborhood and in both the churches we attend. If my husband is not along I don't even get questions or stares about her being adopted. I have a darker completion but stick straight hair. When Hubby is along we get questions about where is was adopted from and are told how cute she is, We have not run into any problems and beleive me we know how lucky we are with that. Go with what you feel comfortable with and what your heart tells you is right. Our socail worker always says" You get the child you are meant to have" Good luck to you.

[vlbritooliv]

Hello Nuallain, I understand ? U R saying!
I'm AA With dark complexion, My husband is Cuban with very light complexion. My Husband don't get the stares that I get.
We adopted our son 4 years ago (I would not change it for the world) we meet him a day before his 4 birthday!(biracial aa/cc) with very fair complexion, hazel eyes and brown hair. One day we were in a department store, the cashier was using what they call"small talk". she scanned my sons hand for "his price", they she wanted to see how much "grandma cost" (Me, Mom), they she went on to say "If U cut his hair off, U would never know he is Black" I was sooooooo surprised and shocked I did know what to say. I spoke with 2 of my friends who are cc with Biracial children. They told me "u can't just let that go!!" and I Did Not !!! And I will never shop there again!!!!
Nuallain, Do What U feel is right for your Family!! Just remember there R a lot of children of color who need loving Homes!! Regardless Of What our politically incorrect society says!!
keep me posted
P.S. We R in our 2nd. placement and It's not working @ all!! 2 olders children 5 and 7 But that's another story.
Good Luck,
V. Dale

[Linny]

My feeling is that if you are struggling with the issue of color now.......you should not adopt a child of color at all.

I don't think deciding 'what color' and 'reasons to or not' is something you should struggle over and try to talk yourself in or out of.

We have adopted children of many races. Some are now grown, some are still very little. Our immediate area is not very multi-racial; but the larger city nearby is. Regardless of whether your area is or is not, your child will have to feel accepted without hesitation within their own family. I'm not saying that you 'couldn't handle it'.......but if it is a big concern for you.........I feel this is telling you something already.

In our own case, we will not adopt Caucasian babies. Our feeling is that there are many, many families who feel this is the only direction they are comfortable with. Let them be the ones to adopt those babies. We are most comfortable with muti-racial babies. It was never a question of 'will we or won't we'........we knew from the very beginning that this was the route for us.


Please don't take offense. I mean none. Adoption is a big enough hassle anyway. It's a rough and rocky road...and much more 'labor intensive' than pregnancy (I believe). Try to simplify it for yourselves as much as possible.

Sincerely,

Linny

[bellazmama]

Hi!

I, for one, think it's admirable to get as much information as possible before pursuing transracial adoption. It isn't that she sounds like she's unsure about whether to do it because of HER feelings, it sounds to me like she's worried about the CHILD's feelings. That, to me, is the way to go. Not everyone arrives at the decision to adopt transracially the same way. I always wanted to, but my husband wan't sure. It wasn't until he lived it for a few days (curtesy a friend's need for a babysitter for a few days) that he realized he really didn't care WHAT color his child was. If that makes him shallow, then you may want to think about it. I daresay no one who's ever seen him with our daughter would ever even DREAM he was once unsure.

Sarah

[Tinka]

I think that is exactly the way it should be. I couldn't have said it better.

My husband and I went through the same thing. Actually he was the one who made me think of all the possible issues... I just wanted to march ahead. And after researching and talking with AA adoptees of C parents, only then did we feel completely comfortable being open to any race.

We love our brand new son to bits and I wouldn't change a thing. He's the most precious little human there is. Now we just need to move out of this white, white and more white neighborhood.... not because people don't accept us but because we think it's important to grow up in a diverse environment.

[Svnup2003]

We are a caucasion family that has 3 birth children and 4 adopted. 1 is white, 2 black and a pakistani. We too live in NY and have very few AA people in our community. We have not had ONE single problem with people being rude or ignorant to us about our kids. Two of them have special needs but they are still told how beautiful they are. I see babies that need parents not a skin color and you may run into ignorant people and your other child might also be "harrassed" but honestly if that happens he just might surprise you with how fast he can put them in their place. Good luck on your journey.

Faith

[merts1234]

HI we are a CC family. We are in the process of being matched with a AA mom. The child will be biracial(AA/CC). At first we struggled with these same issues due to where we live but I believe that God made us all, no matter what color and I also think he will help us through what ever problems we may face in the future. This baby needs a home and we need a child, so I see a perfect fit. Follow your heart. Don't let others make you feel bad for your decision. You have to do what is right for your family. Good Luck in your adoption. Merts

[solonely1974]

Hi, I am an AA adoptee in a C family. I actually did a thread the other day on this topic. I was wondering why I felt like I didn't belong in either race, but I learned that I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere.. which seems to be normal with adoptees.

But it was difficult in a way growing up. Especially when I started dating boys and it was time to introduce them to my parents. I sorta forwarned them before they came over... actually before we went anywhere in the relationship. Just because I didn't want it to be something they couldn't handle later on. When I would tell them "um, my parents are white"... the looks of confusion.

But I love my family, wouldn't trade them for nothing.
Only thing I can suggest... don't EVER pin point them being of a different race. If you get stares, so what, put your arm around them and give that person a smile. Make your child feel special. We sometimes need that extra boost of reassurance.

And if people want to stare, point, talk... you know what, I feel like they are the "ignorant" ones.

Look at your child as someone who has a special place in your heart. Look at your child as "your child".

I hope you don't have 2nd thoughts about adopting an AA child. Every child up for adoption wants a healthy and happy home.

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

[Michelle 053002]

I for one love to hear what adoptees feel and appreciate any advice they can give. I love my daughter will all my heart and wouldn't trade her for anyone or anything. I want to do the best by her and for her. Thank you for letting us know how you felt. I want to send a big hug through my computer to you.

[solonely1974]

I got it (and trust me... I needed that hug today)

[bellazmama]

Thank you Michelle! It is so wonderful to hear from adoptees on the subject of transracial adoption!!!

((((Michelle)))))))

Sarah