[Aida]

Dear Forum Members:

I would like to share an experience with you I had yesterday with a lady from an Agency: She asked me and my husband if we were interested in an situation where the gender of the baby is unknown (she knows that we would love to adopt a baby girl). We asked her if it's possible to get an ultrasound - we would pay for it. From that moment on her Emails were really rough and unfriendly.

Now I feel really bad because I told her that we want to adopt a girl. She makes me feel like we don't deserve a child because we are making this little difference.

Please let me know if you all see it the same way.

Btw - on their homepage is a situation where a birthmom is expecting a baby girl. I asked her about this situation - she didn't respond yet

Thank you for taking the time to read my lines!

Best wishes
Aida

[FamilyBound]

Aida, if you have your heart set to be a mommy to a girl, then you hold your ground. Your agency should not look down on you for your decision, as they are there to help YOU realize your dream to be a parent, not to "pass off" available children. Our agency told us that even if we declined matches in the past, they would still show us until the 'right match' was made.

You have to feel in your heart that it is right, don't settle for anything that you aren't comfortable with.

[Aida]

Thank you soooo much for your reply!!! I feel much better now!!!!

Thank you - Thank you - Thank you

[FamilyBound]

I'm glad -- just remember, this is YOUR life and your future. The child you decide to accept is going to be your daughter for the rest of your life, and for generations even after you and I. It's not something to just accept on awhim

[talk2danielle]

Dont let them get you down. My husband and I have requested a baby Boy, we have our own daughter but can no longer have our own.
I think reward for us not being able to have our own is that we can shoose the gender of our adopted babies.Of course we will love them no matter what but if it is in your heart to ask for a girl stick with it.Girls are beautiful!!!! best of luck Danielle

[Lisa0512]

Aida,

Yes, I agree with everyone else. Do not allow this woman to make you feel bad because you know what you want. Remember it is her job to place children so she is looking out for her best interest. You have to make sure that you look out for your best interest.

[Aida]

Thank you all very much for your support! I really thought that we made a mistake but after reading your postings I feel *saved*! Thank you again - and have a great weekend! Thanks to you I hopefully will have one

[Sharon]

I don't think you're out of line at all. I'm not an adoptive parent, I'm the mother of two boys, one of which I placed for adoption long ago (but that's another story). From reading posts on this forum from adoptive parents, I've really come to appreciate how much trouble and heartache some have to go through in order to adopt. Adoptive parents have to jump through all sorts of bureaucratic hoops that a biological parent would never even have to consider. I would think that one possible benefit to going through all this in order to become a parent would be that you should have some say...at least, as to the sex of the child you wish to adopt. I don't blame you a bit for wanting a girl. I love my son (both my sons, the one I'm raising and the one I placed for adoption) but I've always longed for a daughter. I think most women do, and I don't think your request is unreasonable at all. Please stand your ground and don't let anyone bully you! Sincerely, Sharon

[sweetgolly]

But what if you find the perfect bmom and turns out she is not having what you *want*? I think in life you cannot decide what you have...we don't find out we are expecting and then demand the doctors make it a *boy* or a *girl* because that is what feels "right" to us.

My friend had the greatest couple picked out...they wanted a girl...the woman found out she was having a boy....so long aparents...until a few months later and told her that they still wanted the boy....um...thanks...but the damage was done.

[Linny]

Aida:
We too, have requested a 'girl' this time. We have never done this before (requested a gender).......but due to the family dynamics in our family now........it's best to have another girl.
And yes, I know what you mean about people acting this way when they know you are making a gender request. I have gone through the part about 'feeling badly about it'.........but, as others have said, if your heart is set on having a little girl.....then stand by this decision.

As long as you realize (as we do too)....that the wait may be longer, or the situation may warrant that the child is already born...........why would any agency or other get upset over this???? Better to be honest about what's in your heart....than to stay silent about it and go through the adoption 'wishing for something that didn't happen'.

You've got my support!

Sincerely,

Linny

[Aida]

Dear Gloria: I am sorry that your friend experienced that - it's very hurtful! We wouldn't do that if this would happen to us. It's just that when we have the opportunity to say what we think we shouldn't be punished for it ... And I felt that way yesterday.

[ellia3]

Hi Aida, I had to respond. I read the other responses and really there is no wrong advice but I wanted to share my story with you. When we first started pursuing adoption I really wanted a boy. Before we were matched, I bought all boy clothes, all blue blankets, a Noah the Ark comforter set that was primarily for boys. I really believed we would be blessed with a boy. Our agency had a policy that did not allow adoptive parents to request gender. Earlier this year on Feb 24, when we got the call that we had been chosen by a birthmom who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I instantly fell in love with my daughter. God gave me peace and he confirmed that this was the child he had for me. I wanted a boy and had prepared for a boy, but God had a girl for me. I really thank God because if I had followed my wants, instead of God's plan, I wouldn't be able to love this little angel he sent from heaven to live here on earth with me. So Aida my advice is trust God, and let him lead you to the child he has for you. When matched with a situation don't turn them down without first seeking the Kingdom of God for his divine directions and instructions. May God Bless you and your family.

[Sharon]

I see your point. If Aida had already connected independently with a birthmom who met all the other criteria, I would say, No Way. Don't ditch the arangement just because of the sex of the child. But since she's going through an agency, I think the situation is different (at least in my eyes...). The agency presumably has both girls and boys available for adoption, I don't see why it should make any difference to them which gender she adopts. As I said before, biological parents don't get to make that choice...but in an adoptive situation, the choice IS available, and I think Aida should hold out for whichever gender of child she feels best able to parent, or that she would most enjoy being a parent to. I'm very sorry about what happened to your friend though. That's yucky. I wish people would take the feelings of others into account. Sincerely, Sharon

[Aida]

Hi!

I would like to thank you all for your postings and sharing your thoughts with me!

For the future I will try not to be so sensitive - maybe that's one of my problems ...

I wish everyone of you just the best - take care and god bless you all!!!

Aida

[ellia3]

In response to your question regarding the agency policy : adoptive parents unable to request a specific gender. Our social worker indicated that this policy was instituted due to birthmoms concern and frustration that adoptive parents if having their own child could not choose the sex of their child and the birthmoms indicated they did not feel that adoptive parents should be able to choose the sex of their child. Actually, I did not have a problem with that because God is in control of adoption, therefore I wanted the child that God had for me. Just as God determines the sex of the child when a couple conceives and not that couple, I allowed God to reign in our home and do the same for us, he determined the sex of the child that would complete our family. Although , I wanted a boy and had prepared for a boy, God had another plan for our life. Our footsteps are ordered by God and he sent a beautiful little girl from heaven to live here on earth with us and I thank him everyday. I am really adjusting well to motherhood. I am still in the over joyed early stages, so right now because all the excitement, I'm not missing the sleep right now. The past 9 weeks have soooo beautiful.