[jenlars3]

Hello. My husband and I are in the process of adopting from Liberia. I am getting increasingly aggrivated with my mother. My mother has always been the kind of person whose glass is "half empty." She has many concerns about the adoption, such as HIV, the child(ren) taking time and attention away from our biological child, adjustment issues, et cetra. I don't think her issues are racially motivated because she already has two bi-racial grandchildren from my sister. The biggest problem is that my mother does not bring these concerns to my husband and I, but to everyone else (usually my in-laws, but sometimes other family members as well) asking them to talk to my husband and I because she is concerned that we have "only thought about the good things." Most recently, she asked my adult niece to talk to us because she was concerned aboutus adopting children with HIV who will then transmit it to our biological son. Ultimately, I think that she would prefer that we don't adopt internationally period and this is her way of trying to convince us as to her way of thinking. The other half of the issue concerns her favoritism to our biological son, though she would be having concerns about him getting enough attention and all the "things" that he needs whether we were adopting in the US, or having more biological children.

My husband and I have researched adoption thoroughly and have tried educating her on African adoption issues and to me, she'll say that she understands, but will go to other relatives and say otherwise.

Fortunately, my mother does not live close to us, but I am going to visit her in a few days. I'm going to bring along many of the articles I've found on African adoptions, but I am at a loss whether to confront her or not. Obviously, she doesn't think that my husband and I have listened to her concerns, but I don't know if opening a dialogue will alleviate that. She probably won't think we are listening to her if we still continue to adopt from Liberia. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas/suggestions/additional resources that might help.

I think that once the adoption has taken place, she will be a very loving and nurturing grandparent. I'm just concerned that between now and then, she will aggrivate me to the point of going nuts!

Thanks! (Sorry this post was so long)

[ALI143]

I can relate! Two years ago when I told my mom our happy news that we've decided to adopt through our state's foster care system she had all the same concerns as you. She even said something about if we didn't have more kids then we could afford to send our kids to private schools. ??That really confused me because first of all- no we couldn't, second of all- we just wouldn't and third of all we never went to private school she never mentioned it before so why is she using it as a reason not have more kids now?? She acted fine but then would tell everyone but us about how foster kids could hurt ours and of course it got back to us. I was really angry but know that approach doesn't work with her, neither does the trying to educate her so instead I told her, "Mom I know you have concerns about us adopting. I assure you we would never put our family in harms way. It means so much to me that even though you have concerns you trust us to do what is right for our family. I'm glad you love our sons enough to worry about them so much and even with all your concerns you support us anyway." She didn't support us, but that made her think to and now she is so anxious for us to get our new little one! I hope your mom comes around too but at first it's going to take a lot of ignoring. Good Luck.