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  #1  
Old 10-31-2006, 08:09 PM
Ferney Ferney is offline
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I am an adult who was raised in an open adoption!!!

I am an adult who was raised in an open adoption. I would like to discuss this with everyone. I would like to read all of the postings on this site regarding open adoption.

I would like to understand how you all feel. I have very definite feelings on this subject.
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  #2  
Old 11-01-2006, 02:47 AM
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Poleczech Poleczech is offline
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Hello! I am a new amom in an open adoption, and am very interested in hearing your thoughts and feelings about being raised in an open adoption. Was it a healthy relationship? Was it confusing for you (I've had this question asked of me for my son, and having never been through one, I have no way of knowing). Are there things I should do/not do to help my son in his understanding of adoption and who all the people are in his life? Do you have any words of wisdom for me and others like me?
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  #3  
Old 11-01-2006, 06:23 AM
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Welome to the forum Ferney - I too am an adult raised in open adoption, I look forward to reading more about your story.
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  #4  
Old 11-05-2006, 01:03 PM
mumofmany2 mumofmany2 is offline
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I am the natural mom of a 15 year old daughter whom I lost to open adoption. I would love to hear how you felt growing up. How open was your adoption? Do you have natural siblings?
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  #5  
Old 11-05-2006, 01:11 PM
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I am an amom to two beautiful boys with open and semi-open adoptions. I'd love to hear your story!
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  #6  
Old 11-05-2006, 01:17 PM
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I have some questions but ofcourse they just slipped my mind.
Would love to hear about your story.
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  #7  
Old 11-05-2006, 01:21 PM
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Great!

I am a FirstMom in reunion with my daughter who was raised in a semi-open adoption. Please share your story!
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  #8  
Old 11-05-2006, 03:44 PM
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Leigh131313 Leigh131313 is offline
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just hoping you come back
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  #9  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:08 AM
Ferney Ferney is offline
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re:raised in open adoption.

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I have been really occupied.

I am having a lot of emotional turmoil lately surrounding my open adoption. I have an Aunt in my biological family that is giving me grief about my view of family. This is the story.

I tell her that I feel the woman who raised me deserves (and is going to get) the title of Mother. She feels the biological connection is everything. I don't!!! There is so much that is going on here. . . it's incredible.

Maybe open adoption works for other people but I feel cursed by god that I am an adult adoptee who was raised in one. I'm going to try and start my story from the beginning. It pains me to tell it but if it helps someone, it's worth it.

I was told that I was given to my adoptive mother at the age of one month. My adoptive mother said she met my biological mother through a mutual acquaintance. The mutual acquaintance took my mother to meet my biological mother and I was turned over to my new home during this meeting. No social workers, home studies etc. They met and I was in a new environment.

I have/had 4 brothers and 1 sister. I phrase it this way because 2 of those brothers are dead. One from substance abuse and the other was murdered. I have one living brother who is a drug addict and the other does not hold legal employment. My sister has a legal job. In short, my immediate biological family is dysfunctional. Actually, as a 48 year old adult, I can see that all of these people were crazy. I'm surprised I'm as sane as I am.

I had to go visit these biological people all of my life. My adoptive mother (called this for clarity) told me she was not legally allowed to adopt me at first because she was not married. In our state, single people were not allowed to adopt until around the late 60's-70's.

In my opinion, this is a wild story. I am leaving out many details because it (1) pains me to tell it and (2) there are so many details! But I will say what bothers me:

1. From the biological family, THERE IS NO RESPECT FOR MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER. They want to pretend that she does not exist. Because of all that happened, she should be embraced into their family.

2. The biological members of my adoptive mother's family do not and have never considered me a member of their family. They have always been cold and distant with me. When my adoptive mother died, they wanted to refer to me as "Adopted child" in the obituary.

3. I have been constantly told what I should feel about this situation. I insist on feeling what I honestly feel about it. AFTER ALL IT HAPPENED TO ME!

4. I find that most of the people I am so called "related" to are less than enjoyable. God help a person who can not get away from their relatives.

I could write pages and pages explaining and telling this tale. I do not like the fact that I am an adult adoptee who was raised in an open adoption. I do, however, passionately believe in open records!!! I want my own adoption records opened. I've heard the argument that it's none of your business. Bill Pearce of the National Council of Adoption told me that to my face at a conference.

I have to continue to write more at a later date. Please ask me questions if you like. There are so many details to this story. I want to be kind to all of you involved in open adoption. I want to be fair to all of you involved.
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  #10  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:13 AM
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BrandyHagz BrandyHagz is offline
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I'm sorry you had a bad experience - I had a totally different experience.

Again, proof that one size fits all doesn't apply to adoption
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  #11  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:22 AM
Ferney Ferney is offline
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I think it is very confusing in an open adoption. If there are other siblings around, they don't understand why you are being raised in another household. All my life, I've had the problem of "who is my mother?" and "what is my name?" The biological people wanted the biological mother called mother. The adoptive mother wanted to be called mother. I think you have to keep this all really simple. Discuss how these issues should be handled. What I think people don't see is how stigmatizing it can be to be adopted. You really have to listen to the things people say about adoption. They are often not kind or nice. Many people, if they can't have children, would rather spend thousand's of dollars to have one instead of adopting!!! If you talk to them, some they tell you they would never consider adopting. A particular pet peeve of mine is when you tell someone you are adopted, they ask if you know who your "real" mother is. Like the people who raised you is a fake mother. I'm hope I'm being helpful here. I feel like I'm rambling. You just have to love those children and be sensitive to them and the world around them. People are sometimes less than thoughtful.
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  #12  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:32 AM
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Quote:
If there are other siblings around, they don't understand why you are being raised in another household.

Again, I'm sorry you had that experience, I haven't had that experience, nor, to my knowledge, has my son...who has a very open and involved relationship with her sister, who was placed in open adoption.

I think, once again, a lot depends on the people involved...there is no right or wrong, only what works for those involved.

I never felt confused and I never had the feeling of wonder regarding who my mother was or what my name was...I also never had to deal with a struggle of power between my two families.

My daughter, whom I placed, has also never had to deal with this...of course, I can see where this could be an issue, if relationships and boundaries aren't respected, which is what it sounds like in your circumstance.
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  #13  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:34 AM
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Just a reminder, also, you've made a lot of really offensive generalizations in your posts about several sides of the triad.

While we do value members sharing their experiences and talking about how their adoption has impacted them - we don't like to see sweeping generalizations made about the motivations of others.

Some of your comments about adoptive parents and birthparents are pretty offensive and only feed into the stereotype surrounding adoption.
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  #14  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:59 AM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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Ferney, I'm so sorry your experience has been so negative. If your read other threads, you will find a variety of different experiences. I am a birth mother from a closed adoption, so I can't begin to compare my experience to yours other than to say that since we've been in reunion, I believe, there's been a lot of respect for all sides. I don't expect D to call me mom. S, the woman who raised him is his mom. None of us is trying to force D to choose between us. That doesn't mean he hasn't had negative feeling about adoption or about me. Again, I do not presume to speak for him. It might be interesting to hear from people raised in closed adoptions.

It sounds to me like you are "as sane as you are" because you were not raised with your siblings. You mother may have forced you to visit your biological family, but she apparently provided you with a stability that your other siblings didn't have. Whatever anyone (in either family - a or b) says, she is your mother.

Your story is indeed a sad one. How do you think the person you are today has been strengthened by what you have been through? We can't change the past but it can inform our futures. (Notice I didn't say the past has to control our futures!) I hope that you will find support in these forums.
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2006, 11:50 AM
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Hi, Ferney.

When I adopted my niece's toddler, I became part of an open adoption by circumstance if not by choice. I hope that I have taken steps to ensure that my daughter does not suffer the confusion or isolation that seems to have been your lot in life.

We see my niece, who I love very much, but not often. When we do talk with her, she is ALWAYS called by her name not a title she formerly held. I am and always will be Mom without any asterisk for my adoptive status. In our family, we all agree* that my niece stopped being Her Sweetness' mother on the day she was TPR'd. Although she is legally my daughter's cousin now, my niece acts more like a favorite aunt or family friend who has a special affection for my child. She does NOT, however, get to take my daughter away from our home for any reason.

My niece comes from a branch of my family tree that is as riddled with dysfunction as the biofamily that you describe. I once thought that she had managed to grow up healthy despite the handicaps of her birthfamily, but I was wrong. She is infected with the same personality disorders and addictions as her parents. It is out of the question that we would ever allow her or biogranny to care for our daughter.

We all know and acknowledge my daughter's origins -- and some day she will want to know the whole story -- but I hope that knowing her biofamily will help her understand that she was blessed to get a second chance ... and so was biomom! For this, we are all eternally grateful.

DeeCee

*Okay. Almost all of us agree. My sister, the biogranny is still full of rage over the injustice she feels was done to her and her daughter. She used to say things like, "Take this to your Mommy," meaning my niece; but Her Sweetness would smile and comply by taking it to me. My niece and I would just roll our eyes and wonder if her mother was ever going to get it. But we don't have the problem now because my sister was banned from our home after one particularly vitriolic tirade about my complicity in the crime of child-stealing that ended with a death threat. None of us miss her very much.
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