[Psalm40]

We are ALL fallen because of the sin of Adam, it has NOTHING to do with anyone's particular sins. I am a fallen women because of sins of omission and comission (sins commited by me on purpose and sins commited by me not on purpose). That is what that means. As far as you know, I could have had a child young as well. That is not what my statement meant or means. It aligns with my theology that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23, it is not a personal dig. I hope you read this and then realize what I was saying, whether you believe in the bible or not.

With love,

[Psalm40]

Ok, onto the next question which isn't nearly as concerning (I'm horrified that someone would think I would judge another person for something like an unplanned pregnancy...hope you all read my response and realize I was talking about the overall fallen state of mankind)---

Biology is based on how God designed us, so to me, that is enough evidence that 2 parents are sufficient to raise a child. My whole belief system is based on the bible though, and so it goes deeper than that. I believe in marriage as being one man and one woman and in the principles in scripture about the responsibility of parents to raise their children in the nurture of the Lord and children to obey parents, which all is on the foundation of a mother and a father. God speaks to wives and husbands about our roles/duties/responsibilities and so I'm comfortable drawing from all of that my position.

All that said, the biggest issue is Christ and His sacrifice on the cross. I would not want to hinder anyone from coming to His love and forgiveness over matters that are less important, and splitting hairs over whether OA is biblically derived or not falls into the area of "hair splitting" to me, and I really do not desire to debate it because I think it is not necessary. We all have to make decisions that we believe are right before a holy and loving and just God, and I am not qualified to be a judge or jury on the matter. I simply hold a position that OA is confusing and to me it goes against the order I believe God has intended. I might be wrong on the latter, and I'm okay with that, but it's what I presently hold to. I'm not to proud to have my mind changed on that opinion, I'm just looking for solid evidence that my view might be wrong, and some of that evidence will be adult women who have been in an OA and are blessed by it, and the other will be birth mothers involved in OA and blessed by it (b/c even if a child is blessed by it I'd have a VERY hard time entering into something like an OA knowing the birthmom was dying on the inside).

[Psalm40]

Ok, one more quickie before school starts (we homeschool), Kathy, I will be praying for you this week. It breaks my heart to realize that birth week would still be hard on you. Just goes to reveal some of the issues I am still trying to work through concerning my adoption.

God bless,
Psalm40

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Psalm40

(I'm horrified that someone would think I would judge another person for something like an unplanned pregnancy...hope you all read my response and realize I was talking about the overall fallen state of mankind)---

Honestly I had a hard time getting the point of that from your post, but that's beside the point. I think in the future you need to reevaluate the language you use in your posts. While you meant to not be judgemental, the language you used was judgemental.

[Psalm40]

I'm sorry that the language was offensive. Please realize we are all from different geographical areas and may have very different backgrounds. The vernacular I used is very common in the world I live in and it never would have occurred to me that it would have been taken how you took it. That said, I will try to be very careful to realize what I just said is true of everyone on here. God knows, I am the last person who would judge someone else on their decisions; I've got enough in my own life to deal with before God.

On another note, I'm definitely seeing that the way an OA plays out has a lot to do with the birth mother. Mine has caused me a lot of pain and she has just been someone who has struggled with 'finding her way'. Her other children do not have good relationships with her either, sadly. I can't help but wonder if she took the position of many of you seem to have taken, things would have been very different. I've never felt she loved me more than herself, and the inconsistency she showed toward me really hurt. I couldn't wait to find my birth father when I was 19. I just wanted to see what he looked like. He was also very inconsistent and made promises he didn't keep, but it was ok by then. I had waited to find him until I reached a point of being able to handle rejection directly. It amazes me how much it still bothers me to not have a good relationship with my birth mother now that my mom has died. I'll eventually tell my children about my being adopted and all that, and I'd hoped to have a decent relationship with my birthmom so they would know her. But alas, there is not a good relationship. Just an fyi, I was adopted by my biological grandmother, but she did not raise the daughter that birthed me, that was also an in family adoption. So, my birthmom asked my mom to adopt me, thinking it was her sister she was asking. In time all the truth came out. My mom was 14 when she had my birthmom and my birthmom was 16 when she had me. My mom died 10.5 years ago and she held all of this together. It is amazing how much I still miss her. I was adopted at 4 days old.

[Dave-co]

would sombody please tell me what open adult adoption is?? Sorry to soud ignorint, but I would like to know. I was adopted at birth and I am 46 years old now, we have 3 kids all boys and are thinking about adopting a girl, non infint maybee 8to16 years of age. Knowing me I am on the wrong forum, but I had to ask---Dave

[taramayrn]

This forum is for those who are now adults, but who were raised in an open adoption.

[hildar]

I guess you could say that I wish in a way I had never known I was adopted. My birth mother was a drunk and a lady that took beer and cigts from men for $eX . So I probally wont ever know who my real dad is figuring she would go to the fishing camps with up to 10 men to a time. I actually saw her drop my half sister off one day at my adoptive parents home so they would watch her. There were 4 men in the car at that point and according to everyone she was doing more then kissing with them.

I guess knowing that out of 12 children she only kept 1 child bothers me the most. So yeah i guess having an open adoption has been a problem for me. I would have to say that I have heard more lies from her then anyone else. According to her my dad was Richardson, whom died 5 years before I was born so that just was the biggest lie she could ever tell me. But I suppose if she got hard up enough she could have dug him up done some diddling and buried him again.

Hilda

[con10t]

Interesting scenario. I have met children of families with multiple wives. Not the big happy family at all. Lots of jealousy and "I am a child from the first family", etc.

[memememe13]

Hi,

I'm new here, and while it's very interesting to read the debates on here I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I shared my story as a adoptee of an open adoption.

I was the last child of three born to my birthmother, and the only child to be given away. My Adoptive parents were always upfront and honest with me about my adoption, which I was always thankful for. I had all of the illustrated kid books, "why was I adopted?" etc. and although I was raised as an only child, by my adoptive parents, it was always interesting to know that I was really--not alone in my journey.
Growing up I had no contact with my biological family besides the pictures and letters my birthmother would send to us on every holiday and on my birthday.
I guess at about 10 or so I hit puberty (early, I know) and it was at this point that I became really angry about my adoption. I began to feel chaotic about my inside feeling about the whole thing. It was tiring to explain to people about being an adopted child--about having sibilings, but not knowing them. About not knowing what my ethnicity was, or where my birthfamily was from--just really only knowing that these letters came every few months--and there were pictures of happy kids that looked just like me --taking vacations and enjoying new cars and having great fun with one another. I couldn't add up the details of what or why, really I was given away

When I was 15 my adoptive mother and my birthmother decided that since we lived so close, and were in the internet age where really, acessibility to one another was literally a mouse click away--that it was time for us to just meet and get all of this formality over with.
Now--I cannot stress this point enough
15 is a terrible age for pretty much every kid, and being at that terribly awkward stage in my life and meeting my birthfamily was really--really--probably not the easiest way to do it. But, there it went.
I happen to have a gigantic biological family--and everyone was curious to meet me, tell me who I looked like, who I sounded like, where my talent came from etc. Which at the time--was all very exciting for me--because, naturally a kid wonders where or what her or she came from always. Now older looking back, I understand their excitment and tendancy to want to "reclaim" their lost family member--however, I really don't appreciate or welcome it with open arms.
I am at the beginning of my adult and I am now beginning to find all of this family stuff terribly confusing and uncomfortable--now more than ever.
I struggle to maintain or understand connections between families, what that means, how it works--I do not regret being adopted--however at some of my lowest points--I wish things were very simple and different.

I guess my main bones of contention--or rather my questions for anyone who is a child of open adoption--older than me--is things I fear in my future.
How do you explain your extended family and experience to your children? Do you have or maintain a relationship with your biological families? I've really only noticed 1 user who seems to feel like they've had a truly positive experience as an adopted child--I'm just wondering--why? How do you stay positive and continue to feel that way? And for the female adoptees--do you feel that you are able to have true romantic relationships with people--without keeping your guard up? Or subconciously fearing abandonment?
I feel like ultimatly, i've been dealt a pretty good hand--it's just that i'm having a hard time understanding how to grow into my adoption--as well, a grown up. I'm tired of feeling angry, upset, sad, jealous of people who don't have to deal with these feelings, or jealous of people who can make their feelings neat and concise...Really, i'm just looking for a little support which, for the first time ever, can come from people who were kids not just like, but at least kind of like me.

Thank you for your eyes and ears

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by memememe13

I'm new here, and while it's very interesting to read the debates on here I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I shared my story as a adoptee of an open adoption.

While you certainly had "openness" in your adoption, it was not really an "open adoption." If it was there would have been visits from the very beginning, you would have been able to develop relationships with everyone in your birthfamily from the start. You would have always "known" your heritage, your place, the roles of everyone in your life. That's not to say there would not have been some confusion, but you would have been able to ask questions and get answers right away.

Studies have shown that kids in semi-open adoptions want more. More information, more contact. Sometimes I think it creates more questions than it answers.

[Renda]

Ferney,

I have just read your post about open adoption, although it was posted two years ago now.

I't a shame that you had to grow up with all that, I don't believe in open adoption for exactly some of the things you described.

I still think that an open adoption is more about the birthmother than the child.

For the child's sake if you want it to have a new life, then let it go and keep records open for when it is older.

This way it only has one set family to deal with and that is usually enough when growing up. Any curiosity can be dealt with when the child is grown up it is then their choice to trace parents and being an adult they may find it easier to deal with. They hopefully will have the bedrock of the real family (adopted family) behind them.

Hope things are better in your adult life,


Renda

[RobinKay]

Wow--just finished reading all 5 pages of posts. What powerful stories--I hope all of you are still around and watching this site.

May I draw on your experiences for advice? We are in a relative adoption--open because--well, read on below. Our wish was for our lil guy not to grow up wondering why no one in his family wanted him. We did not want our whole family to lose him. Most important, we love this lil guy. It is our dearest wish and hope that he grow up into a happy healthy adult able to have fulfilling relationships and make good choices for his own life. We have raised two great sons already--ages 29 and 26. Yes, sometimes I am mistaken for grandma!!

My husband and I adopted our son about 1 1/2 yrs ago. Lil guy was 6 1/2 when adopted. He was our nephew prior to adoption--my husband's brother's child. Birth parents were not married, but have been together many years. The story is an old one-drug and alchohol abuse and neglect. Lil guy was removed from home just before his 5th birthday. At first bparents worked on plan and visited--the visits became less and less productive, bparents went to jail, lil guy was moved to another foster home--we finally saw the situation was not going to resolve itself and asked for child to come to us. We are in another state, so it was a long process to get approved, etc. At age 6 1/2 he came to us and was adopted one month later. The relationship between the bparents and us was somewhat distant due to a difference in lifestyles (hello, no interest in drug/alcohol abuse, thank you very much) and geographic barriers. My husband is a retired Marine and we've been stationed everywhere but in the state where our families live.

So, lil guy has lots and lots of memories--knows exactly where he came from, knows the foster families were foster families--temporary places (that is another thread on another forum, and I appreciate those who listened to me vent on that topic).

My question for your all--contact with birth mother? Yes, no, how much? (We have visited twice since the adoption and saw bparents both times for a couple hours at a park.)

She is inconsistent--IMO wants contact because it makes her feel better--wants to shower gifts and money and then nothing for months. I have tried to keep up with phone calls, letters, pictures--it has been exhausting and unrewarding.

Lil guy is sad now if she calls--wonders what is going on. Does not want to talk to her but likes knowing she calls and checks on him. He told me he thought I had told her not to call--was very surprised I to find out I had been calling regularly and not getting return calls. Fortunately he trusts me and my husband and believes me that we are trying to stay in touch. (BTW-birthdad is in jail-again).

Would it be better to just cut off bmom? We are in close contact with birthsister who is 20 now and in college-all on her own, she is so wonderful!!! Also in occasional contact with birth maternal grandfather.

I am hurt angry and frustrated on lil guy's behalf and for myself. Don't want to make a bad decision due to my anger--

Looking forward to your thoughts--

[kakuehl]

I'm probably not the one you want to hear from since I'm a bmom -- whose lifestyle is more like yours, no drugs, etc. here. (I'm also the grandmother of a child being raised by his mother's mother. S's mom is much like your bson's bmom.)

For me the important point in your post is this:
Lil guy is sad now if she calls--wonders what is going on. Does not want to talk to her but likes knowing she calls and checks on him. He told me he thought I had told her not to call--was very surprised I to find out I had been calling regularly and not getting return calls. Fortunately he trusts me and my husband and believes me that we are trying to stay in touch.

It sounds to me that some contact is important for him. I would suggest that you set boundaries, but keep the door open. My mother's brother is a recovering alcoholic; she always kept some contact with him, always managing to keep track of him. She corresponded - sending notes and letters, usually letting him know she disapproved of his lifestyle but letting him know she still loved him. When he was ready to return to the family, he started with her because she had proved that while she disapproved, she loved him. I know that adoption wasn't part of that stituation, but I think it's one way to set boundaries with love.

I do understand your anger. It's hard to watch a child being hurt by their bmom. I can always tell when my ex-DIL is back in her son's life and when she leaves because of his behavior.

You are in my prayers

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I'm probably not the one you want to hear from since I'm a bmom -- whose lifestyle is more like yours, no drugs, etc. here. (I'm also the grandmother of a child being raised by his mother's mother. S's mom is much like your bson's bmom.)

For me the important point in your post is this:
Lil guy is sad now if she calls--wonders what is going on. Does not want to talk to her but likes knowing she calls and checks on him. He told me he thought I had told her not to call--was very surprised I to find out I had been calling regularly and not getting return calls. Fortunately he trusts me and my husband and believes me that we are trying to stay in touch.

It sounds to me that some contact is important for him. I would suggest that you set boundaries, but keep the door open.

I do understand your anger. It's hard to watch a child being hurt by their bmom. I can always tell when my ex-DIL is back in her son's life and when she leaves because of his behavior.

You are in my prayers

Thank you so much--yes your point of view is certainly valued. I think I knew that was what I was going to have to do--I know she is not going to go away--we have to come to a common understanding for lil guy's sake.

I am trying--so frustrating when she will not pick up her phone because she is in a snit. The most recent contact was her calling at 9:30 at night on his birthday. Of course he was asleep! She went on about all the stuff she had bought him--and I told her no. Only 1 small gift. She had not contacted us/returned my calls for about 2 months prior to this, BTW. She argued and I backed down-said OK send two things. She has not talked to me since--I wanted to set up regular times to talk to her but can't get a return call.

Thank you so much--I need prayers!