[MechaAlice]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

MechaAlice, it sounds like you had open warfare not open adoption! How said that both sides couldn't manage it without the nastiness that was so painful to you!

It was ugly, and it was mostly done in a passive aggressive way. I think that a lot of inter family adoptions end up that way, and I hate to admit this, but it's one family dumping their child (or children, I have a brother and sister that are twins that were also adopted out) onto a relative that feels responsible, in my case it was an uncle that was close to his sister.
It's just my opinion, and one that is biased, but we all learn from these things, I suppose.

[dastanis1]

full-of-hope,

I was adopted by my birth mother's brother and his wife when I was 2. I have always known that I was adopted, but I didn't find out who my biological mother is until I was 18 (my adopted parents volunteered the information). My adopted parents adopted me with a condition that my biological mother not try to take me back at any time. This is one of the reasons they didn't tell me that she was not really my aunt, that she was actually my biological mother. I was not in a true open adoption, but I did have some contact with my biological mother - as my aunt until I learned the truth. Looking back, I am definitely happy that my biological mother had some role in my life and was not completely absent. It made it a little easier when I found out that she wasn't really my aunt. While not everything with me and the adoption went picture perfect, I think that having my biological mother in my life (even though it was in a role as "small" as being my aunt) gave her a little peace of mind because she could interact with me and watch me grow and develop. And I think I benefited from it later on in my life, when it was time to confront the past.

It is definitely possible to have a happy/healthy open adoption. However, in my opinion, both sets of parents have to understand and agree that the adoptive parents are the full-time parents and the biological mother cannot try to take back her child. Trying to take back your daughter would only cause more problems for everyone, even if your sister were "straightened out" and ready to raise a child. Especially since she has already began to identify you and your husband as her parents. I think the rules would have to be very explicit and agreed upon by everyone involved (including any relatives and friends of yours and your sisters that are in the know). This rigidness is only to protect your daughter and everyone involved from further pain and possible development issues.

I think that in the long run, it would probably be better for your child if her biological mother were in the picture in some way (but without any lies). This would provide an opportunity for your sister to be presented in a more positive, compassionate, understandable, loving light to your daughter, since she's already the "one who abandoned me" (even if she can't verbalize the feeling, trust me, on some level, your daughter knows that she was adopted). And hopefully, some of the anger your child might have towards your sister might be processed sooner. In addition, it may also provide some motivation to your sister (if needed) to "straighten up".

What is your husband's view? And what do your parents think (since they are the parents of you, the adoptive mother, and your sister, the biological mother)? While the decision is between the three of you (you, your sister, and your husband - assuming the biological father is out of the picture), maybe others in your life may be able to give some advice. It never hurts to ask other people's opinions, even if they aren't adoption experts.

Good luck, and have confidence that whatever decision you make, it will be the right one because you only have your daughter's best interests at heart.

dastanis1

[kune]

dastanis
Question for you? In your early years, what sort of fantasies did you have about your birthmother? Princess? Movei Star? etc etc. And how hard was it coming to terms with the news that your Aunt was in fact your natural mother? Has your relationship changed since you were told?

Ann

[dastanis1]

I don't remember having fantasies about my birth mother. I think my mental state had much to do with that - I wasn't emotionally ready to fantasize about her. And when my parents told me that my birth mother was actually someone I had known as my aunt, I cried a river. But, looking back at it with the insight that I have now, I believe that I reacted so emotionally not just because I found out who my birth mother is, but also because my adoptive parents gave my adoption more attention than they had up to that point. My adoption never seemed to be a "special" thing for my parents, so when they took the time to tell me who my birth mother is, I felt for just a glimmer that my adoption was important to them. For me, my adoption has been more about what it has meant to my adopted family than it has been about what it means to me. I've read lots of stories of other adoptees and their emotions towards their birth mothers (and sometimes birth fathers) from before they found out their identities, and I have a hard time relating because I don't remember having similar emotions and thoughts about my birth mother. But my relationship with my adoptive family is an entire story unto itself, one that I am still unraveling and still living.

My relationship with my birth mother is different than what I have with my adoptive family. I call her by her first name. She shys away from explaining who we are to each other when she introduces me to other people (which has only been a few times). The only person I have ever introduced her to is the woman who became my wife. I brought her back home to meet my family when we were still dating. And, by that time, I had already explained to her my entire family dynamic. So, there was no uncomfortableness when I introduced her to my birth mother.

On the whole, my relationship with my birth mother (since I found out who she really is) has been one of the best in my life. I think she has really changed, grown, matured, grieved, etc. in the time since I was adopted to the time I first talked to her with the knowledge that she wasn't actually my aunt. And since that first conversation, I have felt nothing but acceptance from her. My relationship with her is unlike any that I have with anyone else. There is a connection that I have with her, a connection that I understand better now that I know who she really is to me. I think that connection has allowed me to begin to forgive her. I definitely feel some reverence toward her, almost like I don't want to admit that what she did hurt me more than anything else has ever hurt me. While I am processing some deeply repressed emotions about my adoption, most of my emotions toward her have been positive. After the adoption, my experiences with her (as my aunt and then as a special kind friend that nobody else I know has) have been only positive. I think she, my adoptive parents, and the rest of my family deserve much of the credit for that. I am really happy that she made as much progress emotionally and personally before we resumed our relationship. I recommend that, if given the opportunity, all birth mothers work on their personal issues before resuming the relationship with the child(ren) they gave up for adoption. It has made things much easier for me.

I moved across the country the first chance I got to move out of my parents' house. That has really limited the contact I have with my birth mother and the rest of my family. But I am convinced it was something I needed to do as part of the healing process. Another part of the healing process has been the relationship I have with my birth mother. Having a relationship with her in which she is so very accepting of me and demonstrates a genuine interest in me has definitely helped me to begin to forgive her. While it became hurtful to me early on my life, my relationship with my birth mother is very different now and one that is actually very helpful to me. I am very happy to know her the way that I do now. I hesitate to say that I lover her, not because of what has transpired between us, but more because giving and accepting love is something that I've had so many problems with throughout my life. But I understand it and I'm doing what I can to improve it.

Thank you for asking and I hope that helps to answer your questions.

[kune]

dastanis
From your reply I think I understand very well what your relationship is with your bmother. Very similar to the relationship my bson and I have.

I hesitate to say that I lover her, not because of what has transpired between us, but ......

For me, it was always a given...a known... that I loved the child I placed (and I should think your bmorther feels the same). I definitely loved the young man I found -my emotional attachment from birth to today didn't change...(maybe altered a little from the ethereal dream child to the grown man). I understand the "Love" part being very hard for an adoptee. How do you love someone whose actions have hurt you for too many years?

He calls me Ann and introduces me as his friend. After 5 years he knows I will always be there for him - He tells me I have a place in his heart and in his life and describes the connection as a kinship. That's enough for me - today. It's not a normal mother/son relationship, perhaps because he has a wonderful mother that nurtured him and provided everything he needed in his growing up years.
He said with the kinship there is a feeling of ownership....like it's his alone....a unique family relationship he can create to meet his wants and needs and visa versa. That's what we are working on anyway...irregardless of the titles.

For me, my adoption has been more about what it has meant to my adopted family than it has been about what it means to me

I think that was the mindset of the times. Having an adopted family was a little shameful. Women felt they were not very good wives if they could not provide children, and in your case, I think your amother would have wanted to protect your bmother from any public or family backlash. A family secret was usually hidden.
My bson could remember three times when adoption was actually talked about in his home. It wasn't a subject for discussion and not one he cared to bring up as it appeared to hurt his Mother.

Thanks for the post. Informative and well written.

Regards
Ann

[Psalm40]

I too am an adult raised in what would have been called an open adoption and I am NOT a person who would now enter into one. I can really understand where you are coming from in many areas.

I was legally adopted and when my mom died, my birthmother tried to really step in inappropriately. It was terrible and caused a lot of family troubles. I praise God for being adopted as my birth mother has many issues sadly.

When I was going to give birth to our first dear child I felt it was necessary to send a letter to my birth mother to set some boundaries. It went over like a lead balloon, so our relationship has never been the same.

Bottom line, I felt I didn't fully belong anywhere because I felt like a failure as an "oldest" in one family and different as the youngest in another. There were times I was very happy to know my birth parents (I found my bfather when I was 19), but those came and went along with all the difficult times.

I worry about all the open adoptions and find it very interesting that people think it is for the benefit of the child. This perplexes me as my experience was more of a mess. My belief is that there is a reason God made families with one mother and one father, and to mess with that makes a child feel divided and confused, not extra loved. If we are blessed to adopt, I will want open medical records and how to reach the birth parent/s when my child would be past 18 yrs old b/c it is very natural to want to see who you look like. But a relationship---no way. That is just not how it should work IMO. I don't want to hurt anyone or cause worry, I'm just being straightforward. I'm looking fwd to reading some positive open adoption stories from adults; there must be some.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Psalm40

My belief is that there is a reason God made families with one mother and one father, and to mess with that makes a child feel divided and confused, not extra loved.

But did he? Abraham had many wives. In the old testament polygamy is actually very common. Moses (the "first " adoption story) ended up going back to his birthfamily. Had he been a "good" adoptee he would have remained loyal to his adoptive parents.

I think it is important to look at what the research says. The majority of adopted adolescents want the same or more contact, not less, with their birthparents.. no matter how open the adoption is. The bottom line is that kids are only as confused as the adults around them. If the adults are clear about what their roles are the child will not be confused.

[lonni]

"The bottom line is that kids are only as confused as the adults around them. "

Very profound Brenda and very true about open adoptions.IMO

[Psalm40]

Hi,

Thank you for responding.

I believe I said that God's design was for one father and one mother, not Abraham's (evidenced by the fact it still takes one man and one woman to conceive a child, I don't believe in the "it takes a village" mentality). We live in a fallen world so people have deviated from God's ideal for a long time. Not to sound argumentative, but what is the point of qualifying whether someone is a good adoptee or not? My point was that open adoption, IMO, is confusing (while growing up people in my life were not confused but there were still problems, the end of the decent relationship came when my mother died when I was in my 20's, THEN my birth mother got a little confused---or something, hard to say what was going on in her mind).

Anyway, Moses story is a perfect example of how God worked it (the sin of Pharoah that caused Moses mother to send him away in the first place) all for good as He alone can do, to fulfill His greater purpose. It's a very good example of how knowing both "parents" can work out for good, but I don't know that it makes me want to be the on the adoptive side of an OA...

I'm a huge advocate of adoption, and as I said, I look fwd to hearing of some positive OA stories. The greatest adoption story ever is that God adopts us as His own sons and daughters because of Jesus' sacrifice on our behalf. Joseph was essentially an adoptive father, and of course Jesus knew God (since He was/is God), so yes, biblically I can see that "OA" can work out, but when you are dealing with fallen man and women/girls it is a very difficult situation. I can't imagine that birth mothers who go through with OA aren't tormented by it. I am also very interested to read from some of them because to me that would just be excruciating. It takes a lot of maturity and I have just not witnessed that much maturity in many young women.

I am confident there are some wonderful examples of some very together and mature women who have placed children with other families and can watch and be slightly involved and they go on to live fulfilling happy lives, but it just seems to be the exception and not the rule. Perhaps I will be humbled and surprised, which would be fine with me.

The point is, OA seems to be quite a gamble and I guess we all have to decide how much of bettin' people we are. If it does hinge on how confused people are, well, knowing the mind of another person is then necessary.

Blessings to those who are in OA's. I would like to talk to the poster of this thread though. I wanted to let her know there are those who can understand how she feels, but this is an old thread so maybe she has lost interest in it by now.

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. I appreciate your time.

[bromanchik]

I am really interested in what your theological foundation is for the belief that God intented for children to have only "one mother, one father" besides the biology of it. Just a question.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Psalm40

but when you are dealing with fallen man and women/girls it is a very difficult situation.

Okay, I take great offense in you calling me a fallen woman (and calling other birthparents fallen) because I became pregnant with my son, while in a committed relationship and while using multiple forms of birth control.

[kakuehl]

Tara - I really don't think that's what she's referring to... My impression is that she's talking about how none of us is perfect... (Doctrine of original sin, "the fall", etc.) (Of course I could be wrong...)

[taramayrn]

Kathy - I don't know, I'll wait to hear her explination of it.

But I was coming here to write that I have made my peace with God and with myself. It took a long time for me to forgive myself for the choices I have made and comments from Psalm do not help.

[kakuehl]

I do understand. I've fought the same personal battle myself. (I know God forgave me... it was forgiving myself that was really hard.) This is birthday week so I'm doing my annual battle with pain. Somehow reunion didn't help that!

[taramayrn]

I think it's something we have all had to come to terms with - if we are involved in adoption or not.

I just can't get all my thoughts out today in one post. But I wanted to add that regardless of the intention of Psalm I think her choice of terminology could have been better.



*Off to go help hubby finish laying the new laminate flooring in our living room*