[Familygirlheart]

Wondering what opinions are. Our daughter was in and out of foster care for the first eight years of her life until we adopted her. Nobody in the birth family ever took her into their homes. (they were either unfit or did not wish to) About once a year, social services will forward a gift from a birth Aunt. Last year she included a very chatty letter about what everyone in the birth family was up to. As if it was just an annual Christmas letter. Recently, Social Services forwarded a letter to me from this Aunt in which she told me she is looking forward to her relationship with my daughter growing and looks forward to letting us know how her birth family is doing. She also wants pictures and updates from me about my daughter. This Aunt is happily married, has a nice home and a good job. Yet all those years my daughter was being bounced around in foster care, social services asked her several times if my daughter could be placed with her and she always said no. She sent gifts and visited once or twice from what my daughter remembers. It's odd to me that this woman I don't know seems to think she's entitled to a relationship with my daughter and updates about her life. It's even odder that she wants to let us know how a birth family (who never was there for my daughter) is doing. My daughter doesn't even remember their names or what their relationship is to her. I don't know what to do with this and I don't know how I should respond. I want what is ultimately best for my daughter but I am feeling very uncomfortable. I don't see the point in stirring all of this up. Any thoughts? (I'm all thought out-even my daily walk on the beach with all my dogs and talking with friends didn't help me like it normally does.) Thanks.

[rosepetal2]

Well, being a birthmother and having my daughter put up for adoption and also the fact that I was an adoptee. I think you should do what you need to do. I personally would keep some sort of communication open in case you need her for medical information. I wish the people that adopted my child would have kept in contact with me even if it was a picture as a birthmother never forgets and we should never be left in the dark on how our child is doing. You may need her later for medical information. Always good to keep lines of communication open but you need to do what you feel you should do. I would put limits on what she can and can't know about your child. I don't think a picture would hurt her every once in awhile to ease her own mind but I would also take precations as well. Good luck to you!!

[manni28]

I agree with Rosepetal. Keep the lines open for medical info, and at the same time get to know her, then you can see if you want her in your daughter's life.

I wish you the best,

Manni

[JustPeachy]

She may not have been in a position at the time to take your daughter, but it sounds like she's always wanted to maintain some connection, hence the gifts over the years and now the letter.

I understand your concern, though and personally, this would rub me the wrong way, too:

she told me she is looking forward to her relationship with my daughter growing and looks forward to letting us know how her birth family is doing

She has PRESUMED a lot here. I think if her approach was to ASK you if it would be alright if she could open the lines of communication and have some updates sent back and forth, that would have come across much better than assuming it was already a given. I'm not saying she should tiptoe around you, but I would not have approached you this way if I was a birthfamily member in the same position.

Think it over some more. You don't have to have an answer rightthisminute. But you might consider sending some occasional updates (whatever you are comfortable with) through the agency as an intermediary and keeping things "semi-open." It doesn't even have to be very frequent if you don't want it to be, but it could be helpful to have the connection for your child and also, maybe the birthfamily has made some progress in healing and this aunt wants to share that with you??

[love4]

I sense all your emotions and fears. It is not an easy decision. I understand your concerns. I have been through a reunion. I know the emotional ups and downs.

I sent you a private message if you would like to chat more. Take Care!

[Familygirlheart]

Hi Love4-thanks for the offer to talk. I would appreciate it. I haven't been able to open the pm you sent me. What am I doing wrong? Thanks.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by Familygirlheart

Any thoughts? (I'm all thought out-even my daily walk on the beach with all my dogs and talking with friends didn't help me like it normally does.) Thanks.

Since you can go through DSS, why not just continue to go through them and send updates as well as receive.