[Dixie229]

I need input… (Disclaimer: I am posting this to a couple different forums.)

I am a Birthmother that surrendered a daughter almost 19 years ago. I received a 3rd party email regarding info that she posted on another website and, after reviewing that info, I feel sure she is my daughter. We’ve had one email exchange where she said she wanted information, but wasn’t quite ready to proceed. I totally understand that and replied that I would be available whenever she was ready.
I do not want to let her parents know that we had a brief email encounter (just in case she hasn’t told them she’s curious about me), however, I would like to contact them and thank them for raising her and caring for her.
My question(s): Would it be inappropriate to contact her parents, to thank them, let them know that I am not a threat to them, and would like to talk and/or meet with them to discuss how to relate to “our” daughter? Should I attempt to do this before I have more contact with my daughter? or would it be better to wait until after there is a “relationship” with her?
What do y’all think?

[zxczxcasdasd]

If she were younger, I'd definitely advise it, but at 19, and since you already have had some sort of contact with her, I think that you need to ask her if she'd be comfortable with you contacting her parents before you do. I think just letting her know that you would love the chance to communicate with them and share some things on your heart is a wonderful gesture. I'm all for inclusive reunions and it makes me happy to hear birth mothers want to extend the love to include their child's parents. Hopefully, she'll be okay with it and they'll be as open to you as you are feeling about them.

[JustPeachy]

I say reach out to your daughter again and ask her. I woudn't want to do it if she felt uncomfortable with it, so before I would proceed, I'd want her to know and have her input.

Has it been awhile since you first communicated with your daughter? Perhaps she would be more ready/willing to speak again at this time about this particular issue??

[Jo Ellen]

I am an adoptee that is 46 years old and speaking as one whose adoptive mom is very bitter about me having a relationship with my bmom and bdad I would advise you to let your daughter approach her adoptive mother about you and her communicating. I know some adoptive and birth mothers can have communication and be okay with it I am just basing my suggestion on my situation. As I have told others before every situation is different but I think it should be the adoptees decision about including her adoptive mother in this. Best wishes to you and your daughter as you continue to build your relationship.

[Dixie229]

I appreciate everyone's input. The concensus seems to be to wait and let her decide when or if I should try to communicate with her parents. I was leaning towards waiting, but just needed a few opinions from others to confirm what I was thinking.
Thanks to all!

[Jackiejdajda]

Dixie229

Would it be inappropriate to contact her parents, to thank them,

I would really explore this one.

I have read many times that this thanking can cause trouble.. infer that they had raised your daughter and now you are taking her back.. I know you have not even suggested this and I bet you are not thinking this.

Its just something one needs to think about..

Jackie

[barb_hart]

I would absolutely thank them. My adoptive father says that one of the best compliments from my bio uncle was thank you for raising me and what a great person I turned out to be. We met him when I was 33 and that was 5 years ago. my bio mom is a piece of poo in my opinion and doesn't know I know my uncle but he is a wonderful guy and my adopted father never thought about being thanked... he was just happy to have a daughter. He named me Renee- that means reborn in french because I was reborn to him!

[mrsred]

As an adoptive mom, it is nice to know that the birth parent(s) are not filled with bitterness toward you. But I do agree that you need to discuss this with your b daughter before proceeding. When you talk to your a daughter find out where things stand with her adoptive parents. Has she told them that you have had contact? If not, please encourage her to do so. Again, speaking as an adoptive mom, it would hurt me deeply if I found out one of my children were in contact with their birthmother and felt they could not trust my reactions enough to tell me.

[riverview]

I would love the contact letter myself. As for the meeting, I guess it would depend on how old she is, how comfortable she is in meeting you and how mentally prepared she is for this meeeting. Does she need to talk with someone prior?

I think more appropriate to ask the aparents about the meeting first rather than the achild. IMO. Good luck.

[dpen6]

I would discuss it with her first. To just go ahead and tslk to her aparents without her permission would be like she was not important enough to discuss it. It will help her to feel more power in the situation.

She may be thrilled to have you talk to her parents, then again she may not be. My advice would be to talk to her first.

[katie52]

I see that everyone seemed to agree you should probably wait. As an amom, I completely agree. Let the young woman orchestrate this in the way she feels its best.

Now, I think your desire to make an emotional connection with the parents is wonderful. Here is a suggestion. Write out a nice letter , highlighting what you would like to say, and maybe get feedback from the forums, to help you fine tune it, perfect it.

I say that because in my experience, those first words, and first interactions , set the tone for the next period of time. For example, you said "you want to thank them, and tell them you are not a threat to them, and now you would like to discuss how to go on relating with' our' daughter."
All wonderful, nice sincere sentiments. But if the aparents are nervous or defensive, they may "HEAR" something different, that is misunderstood.

Sometimes, aparents feel that letters such as those are really 'code' for, 'thanks for babysitting my kid for all these years, good job.' [ I am NOT saying that is what you mean- just warning you that some aparents misinterpret it because of their life long fears of you eventually returning and replacing them.]

Saying you 'are not a threat', has to be worded correctly, or it sounds like it is a threatening situation.
Imagine finally meeting your husbands new, young, pretty secretary at the Christmas Party, and you have been worried because you heard she was wonderful, so you are jealous, and she smiles and says, " Don't worry, I am NO threat to you, your husband loves you so much" lol Does that make you stop worrying?

And be especially careful, when approaching the subject, 'what shall we do now about our daughter?"
Your daughter is the one to make those decisions now, about HOW she plans to coordinate her 2 families. If she felt you were conspiring together with them to make those plans, she may feel that she was being discounted in the whole thing. I KNOW YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT GOOD INTENTIONS HERE WITH YOUR
LETTER. I am just preparing you for the difficult raw emotions that lay ahead . It can be kind of a minefield, depending upon how prepared they are for this journey as well.
I may be making you nervous for no reason. They may just open their hearts and their home, and be easy to relate to and you will all spend next Mothers day together. But if not, at least you wont be blindsided by their emotional reactions to your well meaning words.

These feelings are all possible to be worked through. But it takes patience from all sides, and compassion from all sides as well.

[djvj]

speaking from my experience only, i would definately wait until you know for sure your bdaughter has shared with her aparents that she is thinking of reuniting with you and that they support her in this decision. she may be keeping it a secret for now, and you don't want to "out" her, since she is of legal age.

in my case, i had a great relationship with both amom and adad, but when the time came for reunion, amom had some unexpected problems with it. she shared them with both bdaughter and I before reunion, and we were able to talk it out, but i have to say i was very surprised. i have always been very careful to respect their privacy and never never be anything but a distant positive presence, but i've since learned reunion is often very disturbing to aparents no matter how positive the relationship is (in semi or closed adoptions, anyway).

once you know for sure her parents are supporting her decision to make contact, and your daughter feels safe with you writing them, then i would do so, as i think it is a lovely gesture. the advice katie52 wrote earlier about posting the letter on this site for feedback is great -- i did the same when i was writing a letter to my bchild and got WONDERFUL feedback that helped me a lot.

congratulations on beginning the journey towards reunion!!!
and ps - read the reunion socialization post - i was blindsided by grief after mine, and didn't know that it was normal -- better to be prepared in advance!!!

good luck with your reunion!!!!!

[ourdreamcametru]

I say since you have already had some contact with your daughter, possibly, to wait until there is a relationship. If you do it now it might be a threat to her that you are going to overstep bounderies and you sure don't want to start a relationship that way! Besides, you need to be sure this is your daughter first. Good luck.

[CJaneG]

Speaking as an adoptee, I would strongly advise letting your daughter make her own decisions in this regard. Most of us have a need to have a measure of control when it comes to reunions. We had no control when it all happened to us way back when, and we usually have a strong need for control later. Also, your daughter is an equal player in this ... it would be inappropriate to go behind her back as if she were three years old.

The notion of my birth mother and my aparents meeting to discuss how they would all relate to me horrifies and angers me. I suggest you spare your daughter the indignity and frustration of being treated as if she were a tiny child. This is hugely important to her, as, no doubt, it is to you. Please, please, let her do it the way she needs to.

I feel very strongly about this.

Jane

[leoson]

I'm the mother of a grown, adopted, son. I think it would be fine for you to send a simple letter to the parents.

As an adoptive mother, I always knew there was the chance my son would want to search. I'm a grown-up, and I knew that was part of the deal. His birth mother was very troubled and far from "regular", so my concern was that he would be thrown for a loop to discover the can of worms surrounding his birth family.

I can't speak for all mothers of adopted kids, but I know, for me, it was never about me or about feeling threatened at all. My only concern was what he would discover. Also, too, my concern was whether - once the birth family had faces and names - he would feel as if the identity he had seen as his own would be changed to the point of making him feel less grounded.

When he was contacted by a third party agency he wasn't going to respond. I said, "Could you just let her know you're ok." He said he would do that much. There were things I wanted to say to her too, but she didn't speak or read English (and was said to be "of limited capacity"). I was kind of hoping I'd have a chance to touch base at least once - but that didn't happen.

So - I think if you send a simple little letter and leave the possibility of at least one conversation after the letter serves as an introduction, I think it would be nice.