[rbranch]

My 16-year old daughter (C) was just contacted via myspace by her bmother. She wants a meeting and a chance to talk to C. Right now, C doesn't want to meet her. She has accepted a letter from her bmom and wants to write her back.
A little history. . . C is my husbands bdaughter. I have been in the picture since she turned a year old. Her bmom left when she was 5. I adopted her. I have been mom her whole life (even before bmom left). We have not heard a word from her in 11 years and didn't even know where she was. We planned on supporting C in searching for her after she turned 18 and became interested.
I feel totally lost. To be honest, I don't know how to feel. This is my daughter. I am trying to be supportive and not let C know how I feel so she can make her own decisions. Her emotions are all over the board also. I know my feeling are selfish and I'm trying not to be. This is someone I feel I need to protect my family from, yet, she's the one person in the world I cann't. C has 2 1/2 bros from bmom and I worry how this will effect her relationship with her bros here. I am confused and lost and feel alone. Any insight from amoms or bmoms would be helpful.

[love4]

How does your husband feel about this?

[rbranch]

He has a whole different set of issues. He wants them to meet and get it over with so we can all move on. He says I'm being selfish.

[InBlindFaith]

If the bmom's rights were terminated and this is not an open adoption then I think she has to wait until the daughter turns 18.

[Oceans]

I don't think you're being selfish - I think your being a Mom

I'm a bmom and have some experience with 16 year olds. You probably wont "win" this battle without looking like the bad guy to C. Is she mature enough to handle the letters back & forth? I don't think MySpace is appropriate for contact but... I dislike MySpace LOL I would make her page private tho..

This is tough!! As far as support goes, I'm sure she knows who her Mom is. You probably don't have much to worry about there...

Sorry not much help!

[RavenSong]

If I were in your shoes, I would definitely let your 16 y/o daughter write a letter to her bmom. If you prohibit her from doing so, there could be a big chance of her building up a lot of resentment. You say she doesn't want to meet her bmom, just reply to a letter already received. I don't see any harm in that at all.

I also wouldn't worry about your daughter's relationships with her newly found half-brothers hurting her relationships with her other siblings in the home. I come from a family where divorce was rampant. My dad married three times, my mother twice. Each marriage resulted in the birth of one child, so I have three half-siblings, each with different mothers or fathers. And I can tell you that each brother or sister is very dear to me. My love for one sibling has never diminished my love for another one.

I would also go along with your husband's gut feelings about this. He knows his ex-wife better than you do, and he may be right in thinking that it's better to get this over with now, rather than waiting until your daughter is 18 y/o.

[rainmon]

yes I agree, you are near her now and can support her through this....later she will be on her own. its best to get it over now like your husband says, so you can be there for her daily through this.

[rbranch]

I appreciate your comments. My daughter was actually on myspace after we had specifically told her NO! She would like to use myspace to contact her again, but we told her she needs to write so she is spending time thinking about what she's writing rather than just typing as she thinks about it. I was a little relieved when I asked C if she was going to writer her back and she said "I've waited 11 years, she can waite at least a week"