[reiscmi]

I need to vent and I need advice/insight into my situation. My birthmom found me 11 years ago when I was only 23 years old and had just graduated from college and was still living at home. It was not the ideal time in my life, but unfortunately I don't think anytime would have been. When she first made contact she talked to my amom first. My amom told me about the phone call right away and left it up to me to make further contact with her. But I could tell she was DEVESTATED by the fact that she had found me. Her and my dad felt it was a violation of THEIR privacy and wanted to contact catholic charities to see how anything like this could happen. I waited a while and finally decided to make contact. My birthmom sent me a photo album of family pictures and I was amazed at my family resemblence. I shared the pictures with my amom and I could see her jealousy at my joy. I went on to have further contact with amom and also met my adad. We weren't close, but we did see each other periodically. Everytime I would go out or was on the phone my amom got all suspicious ALL the time and said were you with THEM. She was insanely jealous ALL the time. My adad said to me can you see what YOU are doing to your mom. First of all I didn't ask to be found. Second of all don't I have a right to feel joy at the fact of finding out where I came from????? Don't I have a right to a relationship with my birth parents if I choose???? I was not trying to replace my aparents but they just didn't seem to understand. It was a very tough time for me, the most difficult in my life. I felt abandoned by my aparents because of how they acted towards me. I felt like my aparents lack of support was a rejection of me. It was a rejection of where I came from and who I am. I just wish my amom could be more secure in herself and stop needing me to constantly validate her motherhood to me. I would tell her ALL the time that I love her and that she was my MOM, but never seemed enough. through the years I actually have diminished contact with my birth mom and my birthdad has since deceased. and my amom told me that if I had ended up having a close relationship with my bmom it would have killed her. what a selfish thing to say to me in my opinion. Why wouldn't you want your child to get a long with their birth mom. She was happy that my relationship with bmom wasn't that great and to me that is selfish and mean. I have felt very objectified by amom's possessiveness of me. I am not something to own. I am a human being with feelings. a human being who was abandoned and left with no link to who she is. I never asked to be found but I am happy I was because now I finally feel normal. I know where I came from like everyone else and I feel normal. I feel like aparents have taken for granted that they have always lived their lives knowing where they came from. I just feel upset with the my my aparents have handled my reunion and feel very resentful towards them for this reason. We continue to have a strong relationship, but deep down and unspoken I resent them for not respecting my heritage in my opinon and treating me like a possession.

[reiscmi]

I know this might not be the right place to post my thread but I was hoping for some aparent support and advice. All I keep thinking when I read the threads on here is why couldn't my aparents be more like that. It is so frustrating. My amom has always NEEDED my validation of her motherhood. she is sooo insecure even though I feel I have tried to help her with it. She now says she know she is my mom, but I can tell she is not quite telling the truth. by the fact of saying it would kill her if I had a good relationship with bmom I know she is still jealous of that birth bond. but what really hurts is that she is happy for my pain of not having a closer relationship with bmom. she is happy about that. even though if I did have a closer relationship with bmom I would NEVER run away with her or ever abandon my parents. My aparents I think have always been somewhat ashamed of my adoptive status. My amom has said she barely has talked to her friends about it and some of her good friends she has had for years don't even know I am adopted....

[kakuehl]

My dear, I hear what you are saying. I know I'm not the right person to respond, since I am a birth mom, but I wanted you to know that your post had been read!

I have loved getting to know D as an adult; we have none of the baggage that comes from the day to day mother/son relationship. S is his mother (period!). I do not want her place, in fact for me it would defeat the purpose of placing him for adoption (at least in part) since I certainly wanted him to "bond" with his amother. I find it sad for your amom that she can't simply accept the fact that you love her; that having even a "close" relationship with your bmom doesn't mean that you reject her or her parenting role.

I wish you well!

[kelceesmom]

It sounds like maybe even if you were a bio child to your mom she might always need validation. She is insecure and probably also scared.

I would just love your mom the best you can, she is who she is and only she can change herself.

I'm glad you have a relationship with your bmom. My daughter's bparents have chosen not to have contact with us for reasons of their own. If or when my daughter decides to look for them I will support her. I will admit that I will have some fear though. I think it is normal.

[Juliana13]

Your mom's feelings and insecurities are sad, and they are not your problem. However, they ARE normal and valid. Logical or not, she really was experiencing the sheer terror of losing her precious child, you. She just should have worked through them differently, and not made you feel guilty. You are right, it is not fair that she put that on you. They are HER problem, not yours. Knowing myself as I do, I suspect that I will have those issues - to some degree or another when my children develop a personal relationship with their birthparents, which I am sure will happen, given the letters we have received so far. (They really are awesome people, and I love them - and know my kids will, too...) However, it will be MY problem, not theirs. Heck, I already feel some of those things now... But I am working on it, because I want my children to feel free to do what they want (as long as they forever call me "Mom")

You shouldn't have to be constantly validating your mom. But she needs it, so you decide if you are tired of doing it, or want to keep doing it because she needs/wants to hear it. She's not perfect, but who is? My Dad has a temper. It's not my problem. But it does affect me. (Deeply, emotionally - I have issues and lifelong problems because of the temper he had when I was a child.) And I can tell him that it's his problem and he needs to deal with it (which I have, and he agrees) - but I also want to have a loving relationship with him, so to a point I put up with it, remind him when I think he needs it, and Support him in the ways that will move us forward in healthy ways. (He has come so far, is so sorry for how he raised us, and I am amazed at the man he is now. I just wish the man he is now could have been my dad when I was a kid.)

I guess what I am trying to say is, your mom should have been more supportive, your pain and hurt are so valid and understandable. You DO have a right to a relationship with your birthmother - and anyone else you want in your life, for that matter. You are not responsible for your mom's feelings on this one. Sure, you can be sensitive to it, and be aware of her wants/needs, and choose how far you want to go to care for her emotionally, but in the end, you are more responsible for you own happiness and emotional health.

Like the last poster said, love her the best you can, but only she can change herself. And most importantly, make sure you are taking good care of you.

[TxMom65]

I have typed out several replies, only to erase them. I hope that you find peace with this situation.

[Jackiejdajda]

We are all human.. And we all of us make mistakes.

Its easy to stand back and say.. "this is the reason and that is the reason".. when the facts are very clear that adoption and relinquishment and being relinquished.. causes a great deal of pain..

Adoptive parents from the closed era were told to act as if.. and birthparents were told to just forget about it..
It does not work.. that is obvious..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by reiscmi

I know this might not be the right place to post my thread but I was hoping for some aparent support and advice. All I keep thinking when I read the threads on here is why couldn't my aparents be more like that. It is so frustrating. My amom has always NEEDED my validation of her motherhood. she is sooo insecure even though I feel I have tried to help her with it. She now says she know she is my mom, but I can tell she is not quite telling the truth. by the fact of saying it would kill her if I had a good relationship with bmom I know she is still jealous of that birth bond. but what really hurts is that she is happy for my pain of not having a closer relationship with bmom. she is happy about that. even though if I did have a closer relationship with bmom I would NEVER run away with her or ever abandon my parents. My aparents I think have always been somewhat ashamed of my adoptive status. My amom has said she barely has talked to her friends about it and some of her good friends she has had for years don't even know I am adopted....

I just had a thought. How does your (a)mother deal with your relationships with your friends? My mom was very insecure and resented time I would spend with my friends when I was an adult. I ended up either not contacting any friends when I came home for a visit or not telling my mom I was in town, because she would have been hurt that I didn't stop by. (Obviously, I didn't figure out how to deal with it!!!) I do have to say she grew and changed over the years (and used to say to us, "You won't let me change." She was right because we continued to behave as though she hadn't changed.)

Have you tried "I" messages. e.g. "Mom, I love you very much, and I am hurt when you believe that a relationship with my birth mom could change that.."?

[reiscmi]

Thank you everyone for your responses. They have offered me "food" for thought and a different perspective that I need. I don't want to villify my amom. She has many wonderful qualities and she was a loving, caring mom while I was growing up (and still continues to be in many ways), but her lack of support regarding my reunion has been hurtful and has felt rejecting to me. I like the idea of using "I" messages with regard to my feelings. I think my amom deserves and needs to know how I am feeling regarding this issue. I think I have been afraid to really be honest with her because of how she reacted so badly with a lot of jealousy at the beginning of my reunion and that pattern has stayed. But I am older, she is older and we have both had time to soak in the realities of reunion and now I need to start being more open with my feelings. like kakuehl said give her a chance to change. It is so hard at times. I have so many mixed emotions regarding my adoption and reunion. I guess all the members of the triad are going through similar struggles so it helps to know I am not alone. I just hope and pray the next generation of adoptees will have an easier go at it, and have the acknowledgement they need and deserve to forge a solid identity in the world.

[reiscmi]

keuhkel- i do see this "jealous" pattern with my mom in other areas. My husband and I are thinking of moving closer to my mother in law (it would be two hours away from amom instead of 10 minutes right now). and she makes not so joking comments about how she will be loosing me to my mil and how mil will get to see the grandkids more than her. I think my amom tends to be insecure in general.

[kakuehl]

Somehow that doesn't surprise me! You see it in terms of adoption; but it sounds like it's not the only area that it affects her life. I don't know if that will help you deal with it or not, sometimes it helps me to recognize that that's how the other deals with life in general.

[love4]

It is soooo easy to know the right things to do when you are not in the situation.

Adoptive parents are human beings with issues. So is everyone else. WE are not superhuman and we do not have all the right ways of doing things. We get hurt just like everyone else. My daughter was hurt by her feelings of abandonment. Should I hold her to such a high standard as she holds me? Could she not be a little forgiving as I work through my feelings? I certainly have stepped aside so her and her b/mom could heal.
My daughter did not handle everything right in her reunion. She tells us of her regrets now. I cut her some slack. Could she and her b/mom do the same for me?

No one knows how they will respond to a situation until they are in it. Some are strong and some are weak. We do the best we can.

It was very scary for me to have my daughter meet her birthmom and then to have her move in with her and abandon us. How would you feel? How would you handle that situation? Could you really be that supportive? Could you let all your feelings of hurt go? Would you want your child to be frustrated and angry because you hurt?

[love4]

It hurts to have sooooo much expected of me. My daughter expected me not to be angry or hurt. I had to be supportive, patient, and always showing unconditional love as she lashed out at me and happily spent time with her birthmom. I bet if I didn't show any emotions she would have said I didn't care. I was expected to step aside and let her do what she needed to do with no concern for me. All her "I love you and you are my mom and don't worry" words meant very little because her actions proved different.

[kakuehl]

Love4,
Sometimes I believe just being a mother is a no-win situation! I read the same cry from many birth moms as well. As I read the threads I see the cries of pain from many birth moms whose birth children have raked them over the coals in anger and seem to believe that if birth mom really loves him/place her, they'll meekly "take it." For that matter the bioson I raised seems to believe that it's appropriate to rake me over the coals because of my "mistakes" in raising him.

And I think you're right, if you had expressed any emotion over your daughter's actions she would have been upset. As I said, it's a no win situation. I have to admit that all I know to do is love them unconditionally, prayer for them, and wait in hope for them to mature and learn wisdom.

It is sad, as well as painful for you, that your daughter doesn't realize how much she is losing by pulling away from you. As a birthmom, it was my hope that a relationship with D would enrich all our lives. I seem to say this a lot recently, but maybe because it was my own decision and not something I was forced into, I have not had any thought or desire to separate D from his afamily. In fact it would upset me. (The good thing is that D has not wanted that either.) I think his mom was afraid of it for a while; I think (hope) she's more comfortable now after 2 years.

I ache for your pain. I hope you have found this a place where you can find some support.

Wishing you peace.

[love4]

Thanks Kathy,
I just want others to see an adoptive mom's side because there aren't many here who will speak up. I want others to see that I am human and I make mistakes. I struggled to be everything that my daughter wanted me to be and I don't deserve to be criticized for it. Adoptive parents do the best they can with what they know. We should be sensitive to all sides. This is a very sensitive time for all not just for one.
My daugther has come around and we have done some healing so things are not all that bad now. I don't have the pain I did in the past. I want those who have not heard an adoptive mom's side to hear it and understand it.
I agree Kathy with all you said. You are a kind women and I thank you for your understanding and I appreciate your posts. I learn from birthparents and adoptees and they can learn from me.