[Lynn Barry]

reunion has never been about replacing the parents who raised him.

Kathy,

This is exactly what bothers me and causes me to struggle after reunion...when the child you raised does not contact you and you have to initiate all contact and she is nice when you to get in touch it produces insecurities about loyalty and interest and being replaced...I AM GLAD YOU HONOR THE ONES WHO DID THE RAISING...BLESS YOU...YOU GET IT!...HUGS

[kune]

Like Kathy, I call myself a birthmother, but never the parent. In my own heart I consider him mine, but in my head I know someone else has a a claim to that title.

Lynn.... Reunion (to me) is very similar to the relationship with an in-law. I love my daughter-in-law but not in the same way I love my daughter. And the daughter-in-law's needs are more important to my son than my/our needs. Sometimes I find that very difficult to rationalise.

I guess that addage "If you love them, set them free" applies.

From infanthood to young adulthood, I was the centre of my children's world and then, in the blink of an eye, the child was gone and in their place were these very rebellious free-thinking adults.

I only have to remember how "bullet-proof" I was at 17 when I left home to be an independant woman. I believed I had no need for my parents. I had outgrown the family. BUT....At 32 I realised my Mum and Dad were my No 1 supporters; there for me whenever I needed to be nurtured and happy to have me home.

Your girl will find out the same home truths. Independence is important, but home-base offers immeasurable comfort. Those phone calls you make are a timely reminder to her that the love and comfort is there....in waiting.......whenever she needs it.

Ann

[Lynn Barry]

Ann,

I get the independence thing and in part I agree but an adopted child is not just stretching their wings, finding themself is part I think but bonding with birth relatives and dumping the ones who loved, cared, and were there for you is a loyalty issue I think and abandonment issue.

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate your insights very much.

HUGS
PS I didn't let go ...she did and that is what is difficult...replaced is how I feel like someone stole her and I can't find her only no one stole her she just doesn't have time or act interested in a relationship.

[jcm]

I was never adopted, but my step-father was my dad. The man who was my biological father never did any of the heavy lifting of what a parent does. He doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as "parent", but I would have been devastated to not know him.

As a child my mother forced a relationship with bdad. Invited him for holidays, parties, etc. I always hated it. I always felt as if my loyalties were being tested, even though NONE of the parents ever tried to make me feel that way...it was just something that I felt, deeply.

Growing up, my mother would tell you I was a hard teenager to live with...and we are blood. Now, in my late 30's, we are closer, but I still keep my distance in some ways.

I have always been very introspective, and would find it soul crushing not to know my bio family. My husband and I are in the process, waiting to be placed with our first child. I really think long and hard about what life would be like for him/her if they couldn't get to know their bio families. Finding one's place in the world, and knowing oneself are the single hardest things we humans can do, and needing to know where we come from is just innate. Maybe there are people out there that have been adopted and could care less, but in my experience, there are very few.

Lynn, maybe one reason your daughter has such a hard time keeping in contact is because at some level she is deeply ashamed that she has pulled away from you. Maybe her biology dictates this behavior of needing to pull away, and make poor choices. I know one side of my family is like that. Couldn't make a right decision if it slapped them in the head. Your daughter may just be embarrassed, and may feel in some way, guilty for living a privileged life with you, compared to that of her bio family. I feel for you, because your situation is incredibly sad.

Just some thoughts. Family dynamics are so crazy sometimes, whether they be bio or chosen. My dads are both dead now, I only have my mom and one bio sister left. That sister continually makes bad choices, and it's effecting my almost 15 year old nephew. It drives me CRAZY. But I cannot control it. I have worn out that Serenity prayer. My step siblings are terrific, and I feel closer to them...we just "get" each other. I miss my step-father so much (just passed in April)...blood is NOT always thicker than water. I have all of his values, my Mom is agog at how much we are alike. People would say how much I looked like him, and we would both reply "thank-you".

I suffer form depression, and not knowing why I feel the way I do sometimes makes me question who I am. But I know it comes from both sides of my family...so it makes it a little easier to deal with. You know, I can point to self-destructive behaviors, and say "that's it...that's where that comes from!" Seeing it play out in front of me helps reconcile why I feel so different, why despite my step-fathers best efforts, my biology does matter.

I hope you all can find some peace.

[love4]

For me, it is one thing to find out about birthfamily and understand things about yourself, and it is another to walk away from the people who raised you and cared so much for you as in the case of Lynn and I. Can you imagine how it would feel to be an adoptive mom in this situation? I can understand what it would feel like for my daughter needing to find her roots. My heart always ached for her. I was happy for her to finally fill the empty place in her heart. Now I have that empty place. oh well. I had many years to come to a place of peace. I am ok.

[Lynn Barry]

JCM,

Thank you for reaching out to those of us who are hurting. The whole time I was raising my daughter I had no problem with her meeting her bio relatives. I was always all for it. When I would mention it to her she would balk and say she hated them and wasn't interested in meeting them. I was very open minded...completely...and so when she called and asked for help in finding them when she was 21 I was all for it...I really never expected to have her drop out of our lives pretty much altogether though...and you raise an interesting point...one I had not thought of...the embarrassment factor...thank you SO much for contributing here...you have given me much to think about.

HUGS and LOVE and good luck with your plans...

PS I do get what you mean about the step dad...my son is step dad to two and they live with him and not their bio mom OR dad and they could...they choose to live with my son...they said they can count on him and can't count on the others...you are exactly right...all family dynamics have the potential to be complicated...AND genes matter...they make us who we are good or bad...

THANKS AGAIN...