[Lynn Barry]

There is a difference between letting go, which I did, she had been on her own for four years, and not feeling as if the person you raised wants you to be a part of their life...and we didn't have a falling out...it was never like that.

It is like LOVE4 put it...there are in-laws and friends and others in everyone's life, but when it is the blood relative you share DNA with but didn't know while growing up that makes it different...like when Star said she would never call her b-dad "dad" and then I heard her call him "dad" it was weird and I even said call him what you want to call him...so it is blurred...not black and white...complex and that is all I am trying to get at by laying out my pain and experiences here...I can't make light of any of it and yet I am fine now...in a better place...the call did not devastate me...It was what it was...I used to pine away when I got a little crumb of attention from her after she left the area and then feel depressed for a long time wondering why why why and what is going on with her and the kids...etc etc etc...when she was around those three months she was constantly texting and calling and e-mailing people from back there...When she is there she calls here every six months --once a year--that's it! I seldom know how to contact her because her numbers are restricted or she breaks her phone (make that hurls it across the room) and gets a new one or it is disconnected due to not paying the bill etc etc etc...I came here to adoption.com to see if others were struggling and I found some that are...I don't really have to have answers I truly just want understanding, support and people to vent to who might better understand than those who are not involved in the triangle like we all are...thanks for listening everyone. HUGS

[love4]

another one of my thoughts about letting go...............

from what I see............birthmoms who for whatever reason had to place their child for adoption never really let go either. I know they were told to forget and go on with life. That is impossible.

an adoptive mom now is told to let go. Their child is an adult now. Let go so birthmom can have a relationship now. That is impossible. 33 years with my daughter and I am suppose to just let go. How is that possible?

It is unlike any other letting go. And actually we do let go. We have no control over that. So we learn to accept what we cannot change. My daughter did what she needed to do. Her birthmom has taken over. I did what I was suppose to do. I did what her birthmom could not do at the time and now she is back, getting the relationship she always wanted. But it is not the same because I am here too. Two moms. Neither if us can deny the other. I did not take her daughter away but she took mine. My daughter let her.

Maybe this situation is rare. Many may think it is my fault. I must have been a bad mom. It's hard to even post because I know that is what some think. But I love my girls very much and would do anything for them. My daugther will not call her birthmom, mom. I am mom. But birthmom has her and I don't..........not really. I get the crumbs. It doesn't matter much anymore. I have a good life. I am blessed and I wouldn't do anything different if I had the chance. I loved being my daughter's mom.

[kakuehl]

I can only speak from my own situation. I did not meet D (or his parents) until 33 years after he was placed. To my way of thinking, your children are still your children. D is my firstborn, but we will never have the relationship he has with his mom. Frankly, I'd be very upset if he chose to walk out of their lives because I'm now there. It's funny, it doesn't bother me that D calls me Kathy, but it's sort of painful that his children are being taught to call me "Miss Kathy." Since D usually has all of us at his home for birthday parties, etc. I do try to not monopolize the kids. In fact some of my favorite pictures are of D's parents with his children. It's fun to watch.

I'm so sorry that you do not get to experience that. Love4, I do not believe that you are or were a bad mother. None of us can see the future. My hope for you and for Lynn is that you children will return and rebuild their relationships with you.

[Lynn Barry]

Thank you, Kathy!

[Lynn Barry]

Several years ago I found this place on the Internet when I was at one of my lowest moments. Trying to sort out how I felt about raising a child and then not being a part of that person's life, the insecurities.

Well, fast forward and here is my latest. Star called in desperate straights and said she was pregnant again and unhappy...well we talked and my husband called her a few times to make sure she was okay and I wrote her letters and sent pictures...but Ihad to go online to find out she had her baby. FIVE DAYS AGO...I should be used to it...I did think she would at least call and tell us she gave birth.

I am fine...accepting...tried to call her to congratulate her but got a "this phone is temproarily disconnected" message...

I hope she will be okay.

Thanks for listening. I am sharing so that others who might be in this type of disconnection after reunion can see they are not alone...

[Lynn Barry]

A revelation! When I went into the venture of adopting an older child I wanted a challenge, someone hard to love...etc...someone really needy...so I guess the lesson is to be careful what you wish for...this experience has been humbling for me and that is the other lesson...so love...care...and keep an OPEN mind...

[love4]

Never think that it cannot happen to you. Never think that I will love so much that my child will love me and never walk away. I thought that...............I was deceived.

Be prepared to let go of all your expectations, your hopes and your dreams. If it doesn't happen........great!
If it does.......there are others who have walked in your shoes.

I too wanted a challenge. My 3rd daughter was a great challenge and now she is wonderful. Some struggle, some don't. You never know.

Don't be afraid to post............or pm us.

[Moooo]

Hi Love4. I am currently experiencing a lot of what you and others have experienced and I am finding this site very helpful. My 17 year old daughter was reunited with her bmom three weeks ago. The first meeting went well. We drove her to visit her bfamily. Since that time, I have been experiencing such extreme lows. Daughter is spending every waking moment chatting on the phone and picking fights with me (to somehow justify having a relationship with her, in my opinion), and it is very painful. My husband and I were planning to give her all the information regarding her bmom when she turned 18, but for reasons I am not going to go into, we felt she needed this "healing" earlier, so we shared everything now. I am now wondering if I did the right thing.....so many emotions. It has been so difficult for me. I do realize this really is not about me, but I can't help but feel I am being replaced. It surprises me how easily she can discuss anything with her bmom (whom she just met three weeks ago) and then not talk with me about what she is experiencing. We have always been very close and I love her with all me heart. This is just such a troubing time for her my husband and I. We have always told our daughter that we would share everything we knew about her bfamily when she turned 18, and help her search for her. I never knew how much pain this was going to cause my husband and I. I suppose time will heal this agony I am experiencing, but it is such a difficult thing to go through. Thanks, all, for listening and posting your stories. They are the only things helping me through this heartwrenching time.

[Lynn Barry]

Dear Moo,
If you have read through this thread and others on this section you will be acquainted with my situation.
Currently, I am dealing with the fact that my daughter had another baby and I had to learn about it on the INTERNET. Her b-relatives were all aware and a part of the joy of welcoming a new one to the fold...so take heart and take a deep breath...it IS s bumpy ride but you are seeking others to help you through it and that is about all you can do at the moment...I have to go take care of an errand and will be back...feel free to e-mail me...HUGS AND LOVE
Lynn

[kakuehl]

Hi Moo,
I think when my daughter was 17 she hoped she was adopted! (Unfortunately for her, she wasn't.) 17/18 is such a tough age. Many children are pulling away from their parents and trying to prove they are adults; it's hard for most of us at parents to find the right balance between treating them as dependent or independent. One of the courses I had in college talked about the progression from dependence to independence to interdependence.

I know that that's not what you are talking about here, but it is part of what's happening to your daughter. Finding her bfamily is a big deal for her. One reason she can tell her bmom things she won't share with you, is that she thinks she know how you will react. Also, right now is the "honeymoon" phase. The first rush of emotion will pass and they will begin to see each other more clearly. Hang in there. It's hard. Just continue to be her mother and love her!

[love4]

Moo,
I don't agree that this is just about the adopted person. There is the adoption triangle. This is about all of us. Each of us are struggling. We all have needs and fears and empty places. My daugther and her birthmom are still obsessed with each other and it is affecting all family relationships. Lynn and I have been a great support to each other. There are not many adoptive parents in reunion who will come here and share. But we do. We are here for you too. I have felt rejected, replaced, angry, fearful and uncared about. Lynn and I have learned how to get through. Thanks to the support of many. Take Care. Sharon

[Lynn Barry]

You can pass it off as adolescent independence etc but in my case Star was 21 married and had her first child when we helped her find her birth relatives so it wasn't about teenage normal stuff, what I am discovering is that it IS about finding who a person is while everyone else figures out where they fit too. And when anyone is left out it causes hard feelings. The reality is that we all make choices BUT the choices we make affects others and too often I am finding the adoptive relatives' feelings are ignored.
Interesting...after 8 years of dealing with my daughter after reuniting with birth relatives, recently it is her half sister who is helping me with my struggles. She e-mails me via myspace and the other day she said I was a blessing to her because I raised her big sister. It was nice, I never raised my daughter for any kind of tribute or thank you but when you feel rejected and wonder if you were a glorified foster parent instead of a legal parent via adoption it is nice to get a few crumbs to know there was something more than nothing for all the years of love and caring.
Moo,
Jealousy...can't do much about that, but it is hard...Love4 and I know...feelings get hurt we all say things in the heat of the moment when our feelings are hurt...when we feel used, abused, abandoned...and of course the adopted person has felt these things just by being adopted it seems so at times you wonder what is real, imagined, necessary and if you can forge ahead...the good news is that you can...every day is a new opportunity to feel a different way, even if it is because another adoptive parent understands or a half sister cares enough to e-mail you that you are a blessing to her...we are here for you...HUGS and LOVE

[love4]

I love everything you said here Lynn!! Adoptive parents feelings are just as important as adoptive adults and birthparents. We have suffered losses in our lives too. We have empty places.

My daugther was 24 when her birthmom came back into her life. She was already independant and on her own.

Sharon

[Lynn Barry]

I have never written about this before so here goes... some women for a variety of reasons can't give birth to a child while others give birth and for a variety of reasons don't raise the child and these realities can make the triangle all the more intense and emotional and YES explosive...
Everyone needs to be understood and thought about if any of this if it will all work to make all pieces of the puzzle fit...

I just got an e-mail from Star's half sister telling me that Star wrote to me...never give up hope...be realistic but never give up hope, then again I have no clue what is in the letter...but it is on its way..........I will let you know.

HUGS and LOVE...

LOVE4...you ARE AMAZING!

Moo,
How's it going?

[Moooo]

Thanks to everyone here for all of your very informative posts. They have really made me feel less alone in the midst of all these emotionally-charged feelings. It's amazing to me that the less I say about what my daughter is feeling, the better she seems to be emotionally. I am taking the position of being her foundation, her "rock" in a sense. I have decided to only bring the issues up when she wants to talk and I am taking her to a counselor to sort out her feelings. Oh, I am still get jealous when she spends hours talking with her bmom, but I am beginning to realize that I will feel close to the same way when she gets married and has to be shared with in-laws. Just knowing that has helped me feel a little less threatened. I imagine the fact that she is 17 1/2 now, wanting more independence and that she is my only child is also having something to do with all these emotions. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the understanding and reassurances.